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YouWriteOn Top Ten - Feedback from Leading Publishers << Back


The Random House Group is one of the largest general publishing publishing companies in the UK, with bestselling authors such as John Grisham, Bill Bryson and Ian McEwan. 

As part of the Group’s commitment to new writing talent, a Readers’ Group comprising of Random House Group Editors, E-Book Managers and Marketing staff will read the YouWriteOn Top Ten as listed on the first of every month, from April 2008 to March 2009.    

The group will then give their feedback to new writers, drawing on their industry experience and their own enthusiasm for writing. If a story really grabs them, they will let us and the writers know, however the primary aim of the group is to assist and encourage new writers.  

Please see below for their feedback for new Top Ten stories each month. This Top Ten was rated in order by YouWriteOn members.

The latest reviews from Random House are displayed below, we will add other reviews when received. 



March 1st 2009 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten 

Each month, the five highest rated authors with the best opening chapters receive a free critique from our literary professionals, who include editors for leading literary agents and publishers. The Top 5 stories also enter the YouWriteOn Bestsellers Chart, along with stories that have achieved 25 days cumulatively in the Top Ten over 3 complete months


1.
The Chestnut that Grew and the Boy who Knew
by Jo Heys Children's Fiction, General Fiction 12 Feb 2009
 When men move in to fell a 200-year-old chestnut tree to make way for a housing development, the wildlife it shelters – including a forgetful squirrel, a dozy hedgehog, and a fox family, must find new homes in the surrounding gardens.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Chestnut that Grew and the Boy who Knew

This is the start to what I’m sure will be a lovely animal story. The writing is nice and gentle and the author clearly has a love of nature and all animals. There are some great descriptions of place, particularly the opening paragraph which made me really want to read on.  
I did however find the story slightly confusing. I think this was mostly because we see many different perspectives and follow a number of creature’s stories even in these first few chapters. I think it would perhaps be better to introduce different characters and their stories a little more gradually over a greater number of pages – I think this would allow you to establish key characters and their stories more strongly and this would help with clarity. 
That said, I do think this is a promising start. Animal stories are often very popular – I remember Brian Jacques and Colin Dunn’s wonderful animal stories from my youth – their appeal isn’t limited to either boys or girls, which is great because it broadens their potential market.  

Feedback from Clare, Random House
 
2.
You never dream of dying
by Joe 90 Short Story, General Fiction 08 Feb 2009
 Music to die for. If you want the whole experience, cue the Nimrod variation from Elgar's masterpiece and read on.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On You never dream of daying

Ah the twists and turns of fate, I get to review another short piece of writing from Joe!
 

I clearly loved reading ‘He sings because he is’, so expectation levels were high when it came to reading this piece. 

Again, Joe doesn’t disappoint. There is power and beauty behind the words, a fine crafting of images, moments and feelings that inspires and leaves you awe-struck. 

In this piece I very much like the weaving of scenes and characters through the story, the clever placement of information to build a picture of the characters. Indeed, not once did I see the over use of sentimentality that I commented on before. There was also a larger sense of tragedy in the story and a more complex plot with a bigger twist at the end, so I would place this story above ‘He sings because he is’ for those reasons. Though the same poetic heart is still present 

While I have only read two of his pieces now, I was a little surprised at how similar they are in themes. The majesty and beauty of music, the growing expectation of loss, the sustaining of brain injuries, the movement of the story from the bedside to the past etc… All mirrored in both stories. Now that might be deliberate, maybe they are from a series of stories focused around the same theme, and if so then great, however, if it is a case of unconscious repetition then I would caution the writer against using the same theme elements too often. Joe definitely has a style and skill that is compelling and emotive, and I would hope to see that talent used in a wider range of stories to really showcase what he can do. 

To conclude: Another great story, but I hope the next story I get to read of Joe’s will be different so that I can really judge his versatility. 

Congratulations Joe on another top ten hit! 

Feedback from Gary, Random House

 
3.
Lying in Wait (Revised)
by Elizabeth Jasper Crime, Historical, Novel, Thriller 16 Jan 2009
 1974. The decisions made by a naïve young Irishman in Dublin devastate the lives of a womanising Northumbrian dairy farmer and his family. Lying in Wait is complete at 86,500 words.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Lying in Wait

I like the story a lot. The first chapter is really intriguing and pulls you right in to the action. The set up is really strong and very atmospheric. The scene between the father and sons with the horses is also very authentic and the relationships are clear and conveyed really economically. I think where this piece breaks down is in chapters 3 and 4, which are too descriptive and to me seem to represent back story rather than part of the book and I’m not really that bothered about what happens to Mal when he first arrives – I think that has been already explained by the connection between the first section in Dublin and the flash back to life at home. I think this could be cut without damaging the story at all. That would really be my criticism of the writing overall. I think the writer should be more confident in paring down the descriptive sections – she can convey character and action really well without these passages. I also suggest that it would be worth reading some of the dialogue aloud – some of the voices eg. The Conways, don’t sound quite right – too posh. That maybe deliberately so, but at the moment it just feels as though the writer isn’t sure where they come from. It’s such a strong story, I’m really drawn into it, but I think a tighter edit would keep the action moving more easily.
 

Feedback from Sally, Random House
 
4.
Passing Fancies
by Lee Williams Short Story, General Fiction 03 Feb 2009
 Two very different stories about Death, and the ways in which his rules may be circumvented by those lucky enough, or fictional enough, to do so.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Passing Fancies

Dear Lee,
 
Many congratulations for both, achieving the Top Ten in March and entering the bestseller chart – a great achievement you should be proud of! 
When reading your synopsis, I did not quite know what to expect, and was pleasantly surprised by your unusual stories: They are both so different, and yet connected by your overall theme: life and death. 
Your narrative is very strong, in fact one gets the impression as if you, the writer, tells the reader a story personally. I felt as if a granddad was telling his grandchildren a little tale – there was something very familiar and personal the way you tell Restless Apple Jackson and The Unusual Death of Governor Li. 
Further, your writing seems to reveal little fables, a beautiful approach I very much liked and which I think will work well if you continued this collection of short stories. The surreality reminded me a bit of Haruki Murakami’s writing: There is some kind of disillusion in your tale-like stories. Yet I could not figure out the moral of your stories and feel that if you integrated a lesson to be learnt, your stories would become a lot stronger.  
I’m sure readers will enjoy reading further stories of this particular collection and, as mentioned above, I would suggest thinking of the moral of your stories and working it out in more detail. This will make your stories more powerful, more thought-provoking. 
I wish you all the best with your short stories and hope my review was helpul. Well done for your achievements so far! 

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
5.
Footprints
by Susan Howe Short Story, Crime, General Fiction 02 Nov 2008
 Who will protect you when the law is on the wrong side?

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback Footprints

Dear Susan, 

Whoever reads the first paragraph of your story will most certainly read on! It had me captivated from the first sentence and you wonderfully keep the readers tension throughout:

“I’m going to do it tomorrow” 

“Today’s the day.” 

You build up effectively not only the climax, but also the story in general. I sometimes feel a little bit lost in short stories where the reader is taken back and forth to certain events, yet not in your short story. It is very well structured and easy to follow.

Further, your characterisation of Teddy is splendid: His reactions (“Tears run down my cheeks…I wanted to have time to go through them…), thoughts (“Maybe I just haven’t found the right one yet”), his description of other people (Goldie and Red) all summon up a clear image of Teddy: He is immature for his age, a bit slow, a bit helpless. His reaction when interrupted in his neighbours’ house is quite emotional and Teddy’s persona in general is very touching: One feels pity for Teddy who seems to have grown up under unstable circumstances. These you tie in nicely by integrating recollections of his parents.
Your pace accelerates when Teddy observes Sidekick in Goldie’s and Red’s building. I personally felt the scenes here happen a bit too fast for the reader to follow. Maybe you want to consider slowing the pace down a bit. I would also put Arthur more into context. Who exactly is he? A good friend of Teddy’s mother? A relative?

Altogether, I very much enjoyed reading your short story. Your ending in which you reveal Teddy as some kind of hero is particularly pleasing. Congratulations on your success and all best wishes for your writing,

Feedback from Nicole, Random House 
 
6.
After the Eclipse
by Tom Rymour Literary Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy 22 Jan 2009
After the Eclipse won the Sanlam Award (unpublished) in South Africa. It's a politically-incorrect satirical fantasy that takes swipes at sex, race and politics. As an online serial, it was billed as: “Gormenghast meets King Solomon’s Mines”. 117 000 wds.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedbac on After the Eclipse Dear Tom,  

Many congratulations for both, achieving the Top Ten in March and entering the bestseller charts – a great achievement you should be proud of!  

It is not always easy to dive into a science fiction world whenever the reader only has a few pages of a book. The fictive world has to be illustrated in front of the reader’s inner eye, the rules around which society and its main driving forces like politics, religion etc. spin have to be laid out. However, you manage to do all of that so perceptively that the person who reads your first chapters will not struggle to understand the new world.  

When January begins to tell his story (as a story within the book) the clear structure helps to prevent any possible confusion. As I have only read the first chapters of your book, the connection between the opening pages and January’s story are not quite clear to me. First, I expected just a rather short prophecy by the ghost that possesses Maiguru. Then it seems that January tells his whole life’s story and he might be the main character of the book. Also, the fear of “the man who had known January” seems not to be justified since January appears not to be hostile towards the pilgrims when he describes how he has suffered himself during his childhood.  

I some way, January’s world reminds me of the savage’s world in Brave New World. Especially, those paragraphs that parody the world we live in: “He was a black man, a noble – one of the rulers of the world. I was a nothing, a poor White peasant, a country bumpkin from the wilderness.” 

Last, your language is very vivid and hence it is very enjoyable to read After the Eclipse 
 
Feedback from Katrin, Random House 

 
7.
Fly
by Chuck Buckner Short Story, Literary Fiction 15 Feb 2009
The girl turned her head enough so that I saw her face for a second and my mind went blank. No more lost spirits, rattlesnakes or barber shop trips now.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Fly

I had reviewed a story called ‘They don’t pick cotton by hand any more’ in January, I was very impressed with it, but I could not remember the author’s name. The very good news for you as a writer is that I didn’t have to. As soon as I read the ‘shout line’ of ‘Fly’ I recognized the writer’s style and knew it was by the author of ‘Cotton’. I say this is good news, because it demonstrates that you already have the most sought after writer’s attribute; your own distinctive voice, and following on from that, an authentic tone which convinces the reader your world is real. This is the un-teachable quality that will make your work stand out and be noticed.  

‘Fly’ is a fragmented story, with a shimmering micro-mosaic quality, an entrancing glimpse of a mystical union, stronger than death. You use your strengths to give a visual, sensory almost poetic sense of place and a fluid sense of time. You have the ability to pinpoint detail which draws the reader into the world you are creating.  

Some might say your story is ‘all over the place’ some might use it as a criticism, but I think it is a strength, in that you use a finely described single incident  (the girl on the bluff) as a launching off point, from which you take us literally ‘all over the place’: physically – soaring with the twin eagles, emotionally – to the depths of a sibling’s grief, mentally into memories of porch fishing with grandpa and spiritually – to a life and a love beyond death where the lost spirits are found.  

Perhaps you will want to develop, enlarge upon, expand and somewhat tame the structure of your stories in order for them to be commercially viable, but I would urge you not to do any of these if you feel in danger of losing your haunting original voice, which is your unique talent.

Feedback from Mary, Random House 
 
8.
Out of this World*
by L Willocks Action, Fantasy, General Fiction 19 Jan 2009
Portia is just your average, run-of-the-mill, invisible girl leading a normal life in the heart of London. One day she meets a stranger on a train and, before she knows it, finds herself on a weird and wonderful journey down the proverbial rabbit hole... *Working title (suggestions welcome!)

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Out of this Word

Story opens on quite a poignant and brief history of Portia as a woman who all through her life has fallen under the radar and withdrawn into a world where expectations are low. The writing is very evocative and straight away you can imagine this rather grey existence and the woman who lives there. Portia’s life is unremarkable until a chance meeting on the underground with a strange man.
In this paragraph I can imagine why the author has written ‘some young romantic hero’ but I not sure why the reference to a Dr Frankenstein of the 21st century comes into it, which seems quite a leap.
The man continues to appear to Portia and describes an invisible world existing in parallel to her own where only she can help to balance the properties of Fire,Water, Air and Metal. It lays the groundwork for an adventure quite reminiscent of recent fantasy movies and pulls this off well.
I would be interested in reading more

Feedback from Julie, Random House
 
9.
No More Mulberries
by Mary Smith Women's Fiction 25 Jan 2009
Set in Afghanistan, British-born Miriam finds her marriage to her Afghan doctor husband heading towards crisis. She has to journey into her past to understand how unresolved issues are damaging her relationship. It is a story of commitment and divided loyalties, of love and loss, set against a country struggling through transition.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On No More Mulberries

A well written descriptive account of a Scottish women, living, working and bringing up a family in a small village in Afganistan.
The different expectations of her and of how the two cultures will work together.
The narrative allowed me to imagine the feelings of those involved in the story.
I enjoyed reading of this lady gaining respect and friendship from the other villagers.

Feedback from Teana, Random House
 
10.
Dark Shadow (Revised)
by Karen Milner Novel, Thriller 06 Nov 2008
 A dark dream from Lucinda's childhood returns, along with a ghostly vision. The nightmare and the visions refuse to stop until she begins to unravel their terrible secrets. The revelations will change everything, including her feelings for the past and her dreams for the future.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Dark Shadow

Dear Karen,
 
Thanks very much for letting me read Dark Shadow, I enjoyed it very much, and found it gripping and intriguing.
 
The prologue is great - I think your use of very direct language and the mysteries you hint at set up the atmosphere of a thriller novel brilliantly.
 
The real-life setting you depict in chapter one then works as a fantastic contrast to this. You've done a brilliant job of creating two very real characters in Lucinda and Tim that evoke a response from the reader - sympathy for Lucinda, and dislike for Tim - and as I said, in contrasting with the mystery of the prologue their characters are even more effective.
 
I did feel that the wonderful atmosphere you've created faded slightly moving into chapter two. I wondered if there was a little too much about Lucinda and Tim's relationship all in one burst by having this chapter coming directly after. Personally, and I am guessing that readers who pick up something because it is a thriller novel would feel the same, I wanted more thrilling action at this point. I felt that I wanted to return to the mysteries hinted at in the prologue and the slightly spooky feel you have created. I also wanted a break from the emotional intensity of the break down in Lucinda's relationship. I wondered if the current chapter 2 - where Tim returns to the house - might work slightly better after the scary episode in Lucinda's bedroom (chaps 3 and 4). I think that not only would it keep the intrigue slightly more in these crucial early stages, but also might make us understand even more Lucinda's need for comfort in Tim when he returns. Obviously this is only a suggestion based on these early chapters and I'm sure, going forward, you have got the highs and lows of your plot worked out perfectly. 
 
I was intrigued enough to have read on, and I really think all the plot strands you've hinted at in these opening chapters seem fascinating. I also think your language is tight and gripping - perfect for this genre. Congratulations on a very exciting story.
 
All best wishes,
 
Ruth

Feedback from Ruth, Random House 



February 1st 2009 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten 

Each month, the five highest rated authors with the best opening chapters receive a free critique from our literary professionals, who include editors for leading literary agents and publishers. The Top 5 stories also enter the YouWriteOn Bestsellers Chart, along with stories that have achieved 25 days cumulatively in the Top Ten over 3 complete months

1.
Gnome or Mr Nice Guy (2nd revision)
by Rosalind Winter Comedy, Mystery, Fantasy, Teenage Fiction, General Fiction 09 Dec 2008
 Terror stalks the little town of Crowborough and the Rooks Ridge Roman Villa Museum and Vistors Centre. A violent serial killer is on the loose. He strikes in broad daylight, but no-one ever sees him. His target? Garden gnomes ....

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Gnome or Mr Nice Guy

This was an interesting premise for a story. Not having read the preceding text, and therefore unfamiliar with any existing characters, I have reviewed this based purely on this text alone.
 

I notice that recently the author has mentioned that a newer version is available. I am not sure of which version I am reading so apologies if I pick up on any issues that have already been addressed. There have been unavoidable delays in reviewing this so its my fault if I am now on the wrong version! 

This piece is technically well written, almost script like in its presentation. However, the genre is hard to place, with overtones of 'Brittas Empire' mixed with Pratchett-esque touches and a childrens screenplay. The style is also a challenge. Reading prose in the present tense is common for Chick-lit, but slightly more difficult to absorb as a reader in this pseudo fantasy/comedy. 

One area that concerns me is where the author is aiming the target readership. At times it reads like a children’s piece, screaming out for TV adaptation, but at other times there are adult themes like blatent homosexuality that fit an older readership. We need to be careful and sensitive to these areas.  

There is also no strong themes that would drive the reader. Ned has a quest of sorts to hunt for his roots, but it is not strong enough alone to keep me reading. Vera seems nice, the other characters passably interesting, but none of the presenting a story plot that would pull at me to want to read more. 

I struggled with attaching to the other characters. I appreciate that this piece is early in the story and it is attempting to introduce a lot of the cast, and that later on they might develop, but the reader needs to at least gain an interest in one of the characters so that they can be hooked for what follows. Finally, some the dialog seems unnatural, making it hard for me to visualise. For example when Jim, who is just seeing a job applicant for the first time, asks him if he has somewhere to stay. I got to this dialog and froze. Why would he ask that? I can only assume it is to shoe horn a pointer to the reader that he is gay, but there are funnier and/or subtler ways to do this. 

There is definite promise here. It is surreal enough to hook some readers, but lacks the clarity of characterisation and story to be uccessful. My view is that the author needs to focus genre/target readership down a bit either more towards children’s fiction or to teen fiction. My guess is that it would suit better in teen fiction where the present tense format would find a more appreciative audience. Then look to focus the story elements more, stripping down some of the early, rather nebulous dialog that distracts the reader. 

Still, congratulations on getting in the YouWriteOn top ten, apologies again for the delay in the review and good luck refining this piece and getting more of your entries in the top ten in the future.

Feedback from Gary, Random House

 
2.
Incompetent Crew
by Jo Reed Short Story, General Fiction 01 Jan 2009
 When a lone woman in her fifties decides to rekindle her dream to learn to sail a yacht, things don't quite go according to plan.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Incompetent Crew

I think this is a lovely story, gently humorous and engaging. The first paragraph is very strong, pulls you into the story and is very good at hinting at the author's motivation for this adventure and giving indications of her character through little details.
 
It could be tighter. There is the occasional cliche 'the die was cast' which might be satirical but doesn't quite work. I think the writer could focus more on details that inform the story i.e ruthlessly edit details about the grown up sons. Because when she does this eg. the food in the fridge it really works well. I would like the other characters to be fleshed out a bit more, perhaps through conversations with the main character rather than description which makes them seem distant. The final conversation between the skipper and the main character make them seem so much more real than just describing them.
 
I know it's autobiographical, but it could work as fiction if it was more tightly worded. I'd like more build up between the skipper and the main character so that the final reconciliation is more powerful.  I'd also like to know more about how sailing makes her feel - not necessarily more detail, but from the outside it's hard to really understand why you would put yourself through this. Hope this helps.
 
Review from Sally, Random House
 
3.
The Donkey Bomb Summer
by David Pickering Adventure, Literary Fiction, Novel, General Fiction 20 Dec 2008
  It wasn't the donkey's fault things turned out the way they did. Perhaps if he hadn't been so hungry in the first place. He's still hungry. No. It was the revolution, it was the heat, it was that girl, and the boy, whatever his name was. It was just something that happened and shouldn't have. But did. An apple would be nice.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Donkey Bomb Summer

This story started off really strong, the writing really made you helped you imagine this hot and tired donkey left on the road waiting for someone to help it.
Even when you realise what happened with the bomb, the writing of the young solider climbing over the rocks while the two old brothers argue nearby over whether he is a target or not, is amusing and has real warmth to it.

Once the soldier arrives at the village the disregard that the old soldier has for orders again is entertaining and almost like a farce, but from there I have no sense of where this story is going to unravel and what type of book ie genre that it will be. This would make it more difficult to establish with booksellers where the story would sell.

The genre the book is listed under is adventure but you don’t really get that sense from this sample.
I think the author has a good sense of style and I enjoyed their writing but it would be good to see an outline of where the story is going.

Feedback from Julie, Random House
 
4.
They Don’t Pick Cotton by Hand Any More
by Chuck Buckner Short Story, Literary Fiction 02 Oct 2008
 Something about memories, picking and chopping cotton, going to school when it rained or when it was too cold. Something about stick figures and hunchbacks, burned lunches and fights over a piece of pork, getting shot at, black soil, white cotton, green and yellow spiders and a red sun.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On They Don't Pick Cotton by Hand Any More

I really enjoyed reading this and did rather wish there was a little bit more on the sample chapters section of the website. The first few pages were great and I imagine really set the tone of the rest of the piece, it would be nice to see more though as it’s difficult to comment on character and plot on such a short sample.  
That said I liked the first person narrative and felt intrigued – I wanted to know more about the main character and his story. I think you write well, with some lovely phraseology. You create atmosphere and your writing is very visual – I can imagine the colour of the soil, the cotton fields, the blistering sun.  
I think this is a good start and I’m sure the rest of the manuscript is an interesting read. 

Review from Clare, Random House
 
5.
A Curious Insertion
by Avery Mathers Crime, Historical, Mystery 26 Nov 2008
  In August 1860, Charles Dickens accepts an invitation to tour a private asylum. The melodramatic feel and formal presentation evoke the subject-matter and style of a late Victorian novel. In keeping with that style, the novel is in no hurry. This opening completes the set-up but no one can guess where it's going after that - not even Dickens.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On A Curious Insertion

Well done on making the Youwriteon top ten. You have a very good idea for a novel here and after reading these sample chapters I can see many interesting ways that the story could develop.  
I thought the opening was very well done. The description of Bill Sykes’ murder of Nancy was cleverly overlaid onto Dickens the author and performer, so that in the reader’s mind there is planted the idea that perhaps they are one and the same, in a Jekyll and Hyde, split personality sort of way. This is of course exactly how the real Dickens created. In a sense he did become his characters, acting out their stories alone in his study as he composed his novels and one of the ways I could see the novel developing is in this psychological confusion of the creator and fictional character.  
You keep the story moving by whisking us away from the high drama of the reading into the other side of Dickens’ life, his social reforming activities. You do this very skilfully. Dr. Stapleton is a convincing character and so is his establishment, so that Dickens’ agreeing to visit the asylum is a believable development. I think you’ve got the period feel about right, with a light formality in the speech, but nothing too heavy handed or faux ‘Victorian’, and you’ve obviously done your Dickens research so that the real facts of his life are lightly dropped in.  
I do think you will need to pare back the amount of detail you give us about the asylum. The topography and architectural details will no doubt play an important role in the story, however, I think these details are for you the writer, to know inside out and for us, the reader to become aware of almost by osmosis, only in terms of when and how they need to occur in the story. At the moment, you risk overwhelming us with minutiae in the beginning of this story and I do think that at some point you will have to go back and make cuts to these passages. My advice would be to carry on writing the story at your own pace, allowing it to ‘take its time’. Then when you get to the end, go back and cut at least half of the detail. Keep those cut details firmly in your mind as you write, but don’t necessarily include them all in the story. As an exercise it might be interesting to compare how Umberto Eco gives all the very necessary information about the Abbey layout in ‘The Name of the Rose’, or how Sarah Waters in ‘Affinity’, reveals the layout of the Millbank Prison in the course of her story.  
I would really like to know what is the tale behind Dr Stapleton’s establishment, what role will his dead wife and his son play in the story and what is behind the incarceration of Dickens…or is it really Dickens? Could it be that the person locked away in the last cell is actually Dr Jones, insanely imagining himself to be the famous author? Or could it be that Dickens has been sent ‘over the edge’ by his violent imaginings and has actually become his murderous alter ego, Bill Sykes? Lots to ponder and keep a reader interested! Congratulations on a very promising beginning, I think this has the makings of an enthralling mystery story. 
 
Feedback from Mary, Random House
 
6.
THe Bridge at Little Taper
by T. Saull-Hunt Short Story, General Fiction 17 Dec 2008
A little tale about life and death. Only 2500 words, so even if you think it's garbage, it won't waste your time.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Bridge at Little Taper

Dear Trevor,
 

Many congratulations for achieving February’s Top Ten with your surprising short story. 

Right from the beginning your content and narrative set a fast pace: 

“Somewhere in the shadows of sleep he’d made a decision. It didn’t seem there was another option. Life was no longer worth living, and his sub-conscious mind had planned it all down to the last detail.” 

This leaves the readers anticipative and compells them to read on. You continue this string by telling your readers the reason for Brian’s thoughts and feelings which you further elaborate on. I very much like the comparison you use to describe his feelings when he looks at himself in the mirror; it is evident that Brian no longer enjoys life now his wife has left him: 

“The young lad with fire in his heart and a wicked gleam in his eyes had been replaced by an old man, devoid of hope: a ghostly reminder of years past.” 

The ironie when Brian meets Danielle, who herself wishes to end her life, breaks the tention; in fact their conversation has a comic element: Two strangers who intend to commit suicide at the bridge at Little Taper and talk to each other as if meeting at a bar. The reader is starting to expect a happy ending, but your story would not be so powerful if you took this direction. 

Instead, your ending is shocking and suspensful. Your story takes a very unexpected turn which leaves the reader thinking well beyond the end – and feeling sorry for your main character. 

I would probably consider taking Brian’s perception of his neighbours out and replacing it by even more thoughts and feelings of his. The neighbours do not contribute a lot to your overall story in my opinion. Going into further detail what Brian thinks and feels instead would support your pace more effectively. 

You ought to be very proud of your achievement of writing a successful story characterised by a good balance of ironie, comedy and drama. I wish you all the best with The Bridge at Little Taper and future short stories. Maybe we’ll see more surprising short stories by you here soon?! 

Feedback from Nicole, Random House

 
7.
65 Roses v2
by Andy Cox Crime, Thriller 06 Dec 2008
Adam Moore is a writer with a problem. His last book featured a murderer with a distinctive calling card. What he didn't know was that the police had a body with the same markings. The police hadn't considered it was a murder until Moore was published. Published and damned.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On 65 Roses


Dear Andy,
 
Congratulations on a really suspenseful and gripping piece of work, I enjoyed reading 65 Roses very much. You've created a great action-packed opening, which I think throws the reader straight into the book, intriguing them but not revealing too much too quickly.
 
I thought the prologue was really well handled, the setting and the atmospheric way you introduce us to the three characters but don't allow us to know too much works really well. I did feel that in contrast to this, at times, the sections of dialogue between your characters was possibly a little stilted and could be made a little more emotive should you want to take another look at it.
 
I thought the detail you used throughout worked brilliantly and adds a real-life feel to the book that readers will love, and most often demand from their thrillers. The detail when Wragge finds the body in chapter one and later at the inquest for example are especially gripping and interesting. In contrast, I wondered if , very occasionally, we lose a little of the atmosphere and detail in the distant, over-complicated writing. I do like the distance you've put between the reader and your characters, but, for example, when Wragge does break into the house in chap one and "she presses the crook of her elbow across her nose and mouth, the lingering scent of the industrial chemicals . . . " etc, I felt that the impact this stench and disgusting scene could have had on the reader was diluted a little because we don't get enough of Wragge's own disgusted reaction.
 
I think you've created a great character in Adam, who at times I liked and at times I didn't, and I love the way you casually slip into the narrative the fact that he is still married to Lynn. I know he is going to be the main protagonist, but I did wonder if the police officers should be a little more detailed and rounded as characters too. As they introduce us to the murder scene it would be good to have more detail about them and also more of their thoughts and feelings as they are presumably the ones who are going to work on solving the case for us.
 
As I said, I very much enjoyed reading this sample, and was definitely intrigued enough to have continued reading. Many thanks for letting me read this and the very best of luck.
 
Feedback from Ruth, Random House
 
8.
Imogen, Invisible
by Cameron Deco Short Story, Gay/Lesbian Fiction, Literary Fiction 30 Dec 2008
A short story of loss, guilt and alienation. After the death of her lover, Imogen feels the people around her are unaware of her. Their indifference contrasts with the weight of her loss, and the part she played in it.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On 65 Roses

Dear Cameron,
 
I really enjoyed this. I loved the twist at the end, and the beginning descriptions of grief are touchingly poignant. I like the way that Imogen seems to feel like a bystander in her own life, and the distance from which she watches everyone. I don’t think the middle scenes work as well – the scene with the chavvy girl shouting at the Feely-Jones doesn’t seem to serve much purpose other than to set Imogen up as a flawed character and I feel that if it’s social commentary it could be done in a better way. I think the most interesting parts of the story are the exploration of her 46-year-old invisibility, her feeling of powerlessness – perhaps even childishness? – and it would be great to develop this in the middle so that this section is as strong as the beginning and the end.
 
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read this and best of luck with it,
 
Feedback from Sarah, Random House
 
 
9.
Arrivals and Argh, Rivals!
by JRJ Children's Fiction, Novel, Fantasy 20 Dec 2008
ASA LAMANDA is half human, half hobgoblin, and a half wit. Expelled from the Academy of Mayhem and Malevolence because his evil streak is only pencilled in, Asa plans to settle amongst the humans. However, when you’re always in half a mind to cause trouble, settling usually relates to scores.

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10.
Ropeholes
by Tony Foster Short Story, Horror, Fantasy 21 Dec 2008
A man with a relative suffering from a debilitating illness is led into a seedy underworld, where gladiatorial conflicts subsidise a lack of social care.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Ropeholes

The first paragraph caught my attention and just held it.
What an amusing, yet moving narrative of friendship and family, and how illness can effect that.
I enjoyed how the narrator told the truth of selfishness and shying away from the responsibility of being around for a family member who is unwell, and of how other people and circumstances play an influence in your opinions and how that can then change things. 
A very well written story that grabbed me immediately and kept me interested until the end.

Feedback from Teana, Random House



January 1st 2009 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten


Each month, the five highest rated authors with the best opening chapters receive a free critique from our literary professionals, who include editors for leading literary agents and publishers. The Top 5 stories also enter the YouWriteOn Bestsellers Chart, along with stories that have achieved 25 days cumulatively in the Top Ten over 3 complete months.

1.
And Stones Shall Dance
by David Pickering Literary Fiction, Novel, General Fiction 11 Dec 2008
  It is the last evening of the twentieth century. Elk is going back to find someone he has somehow forgotten in the smoke-blackened, witch-haunted ruins of his past. After all, if the earth is to be moved, you have to find a place to stand.

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2.
Diminuendo
by Joe 90 Short Story, General Fiction 13 Nov 2008
 Music is good for the soul

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Diminuendo

I think this is a good story, with potential to be really fantastic. The idea is original and interesting and the narrative voice is strong and convincing. Some of the language is really beautifully pitched eg. 'her needle-sharp pencil stabbling the life from a wandering crochet' and it has tangible atmosphere.
 
I think there's more of a story here than is told though. I'd like to know more about his relationship with his parents - why is piano so important to them and why does it make them so angry. If you don't know this the violence and arguments seem over stated. I'm not that interested in Nick actually. He's interesting as a fellow pupil but the comparison between the adult men isn't handled nearly as well and the motorway service setting seems random and distracting. Why are they meeting there? Why not in the pub? Something more about the piano teacher's illness and if possible some more idea of her motivation for paying for the lessons - did she fail to make the grade herself, is she paying his parents back for something. It doesn't seem clear. And without more explanation the ending seems rushed and although I love the idea that a child could think that they could kill someone just be playing badly, it doesn't ring quite true for this child.
 
As I have said some of the language is lovely, but some could be a bit less extravagent. Where you use adult and quite complicated words like 'disquieting solemnity' it doesn't sound like a child, or like the man he's become of no particular ambition. I think cutting some of the adjectives would give the story more power.
 
Could you try starting with. 'No music room should be this still?' I think the introductory paragraphs are distracting. At first I thought there was a group music lesson in progress, which seemed strange. I love the description of the shared experience of the children of Mrs Crabbe and would like to see what would happen if you worked up the difference between how they perceive their teacher and how adults do.
 
There's so much here to comment on and a lot of it really good it just needs some work on the back story and then a really ruthless edit of the flowery language . You can write really well without it!


Feedback from Sally, Random House 

 
3.
Echoes of the Sword's Song (V4)
by C. L. Frontera Action, Adventure, Fantasy 01 Dec 2008
 Anna wants nothing more than to live in the present. Her daughter, Terin, wants to unravel the past and the mystery surrounding her father. When their kingdom is invaded both women will find themselves thrust into the center of the coming battle. Contemporary tale, medieval-type setting—no dragons, elves, magic.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Echoes of the Sword's Song (V4) 

I really enjoyed this, description is very vivid especially in the first chapter. The struggle between Anna and Terin is well written and you are able to see both sides of the mother daughter struggle.

I did guess that Anna was in fact the The Swordmistress but that didn’t affect my enjoyment of the story. The question over who is Terin father remains although I think there are clues.

I would be interested in reading more about how Anna and Terin reunite, and whether Terin ever finds out who her mother really is.

Feedback from Julie, Random House 

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4.
A Child of the Blood
by Jo Reed Novel, Fantasy 09 Oct 2008
 When a psychopath with inhuman power steps out of the past to forge a twisted empire in the present, one man is prepared to sacrifice his life, and anyone else's, to stop him - but will he be too late?

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On A Child of the Blood

I really enjoyed the opening few chapters of this book, the story seems well paced and Jo clearly knows her storyline and characters very well.  The interlinking between David’s past and present was nicely done and it meant that it was easier to follow the story when it shifts between time and place.  Despite the fact that it is a fantasy novel, which can lead to over indulgence in that aspect, the characters are well described and it is in the detail where many things about Malim, in particular, are learnt.  Like all good villains Malim’s actions are meant to disgust but at the same time I was finding myself wanting to know more about his personality, his background and the Family to which he belongs.  The introduction of his father brought home the fact that Malim is essentially a human just, as Jo puts it, outside his time and place.  His reactions to passing back through the crossing also highlight this.  I liked this grounding of the character as it may be easy to distance yourself from a villain, especially one that has powers that seem non human.

I hope the novel explores David’s childhood as it progresses because I would like to learn about his relationship with his father and the impact this has on his subsequent relationship with Alex who seems to playing the role of substitute.  

The sense of mystery and intrigue is definitely palpable in the opening scenes of this novel.  If the rest of the book continues in this vein I’m sure Jo will have a great novel here. I was certainly wanting to read on

Feedback from Victoria, Random House

 
5.
Tied
by JW Hicks Short Story, Literary Fiction 17 Sep 2008
 If you wait long enough an answer will come.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Tied

Your submissions seem to continuously make it to the Top Ten – you should be very proud of your achievements! 
I was very touched by your story. Your characterisations and your writing style effectively support the overall story: A little girl torn between different family members, not being able to settle down in a homely environment. I personally liked your use of language and sentence structure especially at the beginning. I felt it read like a poem introducing your short story about poor June. 
Moments of happiness and hope nicely break your rather sad story up: You make Grampa a very loving character – one can sense June’s longing for him amidst being torn between mother and sister. Further, Sean shines some light into June’s life. His reaction (“It’s time your sister looked after he own kid…It’s not like you’ve adopted her…”) comes sudden and unanticipated though – maybe a bit too sudden. 
Your ending was shocking and sad. You kept it open and I’m probably not the only reader who wants to find out what exactly happened to poor June.  
I thought the setting you reveal in the end is a bit confusing. There are a few turns in your story the reader needs to take in. I feel it would work to your advantage if you clarified your setting earlier. The end would flow more smoothly and the readers’ main focus would be on the tragic event itself rather than on the timeline. 
Overall, Tied is a suspenseful story. Well done – and keep up your great work!

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
6.
Ready to Fall
by Sheila Bugler Crime 25 Aug 2008
 A damaged young woman is framed for murder. In a desperate attempt to clear her name, she uncovers a world she never knew existed - a world of black market baby sales, abductions and sudden death. A world where nothing - not even her own past - is what it seems . . . WARNING: Contains some violence and bad language

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Ready to Fall

Dear Sheila,
 

I really enjoyed reading the first chapters of your story “Ready to Fall” and would love to read on.

The prologue is very well handled, as it immediately caught my attention and pulled me directly in the middle of the action. From the first sentence on the pace is set up very fast:  

“She is running but not fast enough. He’s closing in. She races across the wide hallway and reaches the front door, pulling it open and throwing herself out into the night.” 

The prologue almost reads like a screenplay and leaves you no time to breath. A young woman followed and threatened by man, who almost kills her. The prologue left me with many open questions, so that I definitely wanted to read on.  

After this exciting and suspenseful prologue, the first chapter begins a little bit slower, but you definitely manage to rebuild the tension. The narrative, in which the protagonist and first-person narrator, Clodagh Reilly, is framed for murder, is very well structured. At the end of every chapter there is a reveal or a twist that made me heading forward to the next chapter. I really don’t want to reveal too much of the plot right here, as I’d like that the following readers will be as surprised as I was. 

What I liked the most about “Ready to Fall” is how you manage to build up the tension regarding the criminal investigations on the one hand and how intensively and sensitively you develop the character of Clodagh, by revealing more and more about her past as the story progresses. There are great passages were Clodagh reflects her current situation. 

“‘My birthday,’ I said, thinking the whole night had been more an exercise in forgetting than any sort of celebration. Thirty-two years old and my life was a mess.” 

Altogether, your writing is thoroughly  professional, your characterisations (Clodagh, Rosie, Stone) are splendid and the pacing is just perfect. 

So, it was a great read. 

Feedback from Phillip, Random House

 
7.
They Don’t Pick Cotton by Hand Any More
by Chuck Buckner Short Story, Literary Fiction 02 Oct 2008
Something about memories, picking and chopping cotton, going to school when it rained or when it was too cold. Something about stick figures and hunchbacks, burned lunches and fights over a piece of pork, getting shot at, black soil, white cotton, green and yellow spiders and a red sun.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On They Don't Pick Cotton by Hand Any More

I immediately loved your short story which has the concise quality of a poem but gives us a novel’s worth of knowledge about your central character. You give a rich, highly detailed sense of place and character by pin-pointing precise details in a super-zoom, slow motion mode that is very effective. I love the way everything you describe in a scene has a colour, or a shape or a texture, so the reader feels he has first hand knowledge of all that you describe.  
You handle language so adeptly and confidently, with the precise and deliberate pairing of words to suggest a number of meanings. I liked the way you use a particular detail to catapult the story into another time and place in Allen’s life. You manage to avoid chronological confusion by weaving a thread of images through each scene, the green fire of Johnson’s grass, the flowered shirts at the end of the cotton process that the young Allen wears to school, and you cleverly let them re-surface during the different memories of the old man Allen has become.  
As a very short, short story it works very well. However I felt the last scene was less successful. I found it difficult to understand who the two characters were and what they were discussing. The structure of your story relies on flash back and a fluid time line and for the most part it is a strength, it’s a method that evokes that ‘butterfly’ quality of memory you write about. However in the last scene I wanted to know who Mr Bagley and Miss Maggie were. The point of view is suddenly moved from Allen’s first person reminiscence to a third person scene in a shop. There are other little snippets of third person view points  in your story, but they could all come within the knowledge and memory of Allen, however this final scene does not, and I think that’s why it doesn’t work so well. You could perhaps hook Allen into it, by actually acknowledging that this is something he couldn’t possibly remember. You could have him talk about the circumstances of his birth and how he learned what his father said to the mid-wife about his fate as just another field hand.  
You have given a very moving story of a hard life, a life which has seen war and the birth of children and a valued old age. Congratulations on a tremendous achievement: a life in a handful of jewelled words.

Feedback from Mary, Random House
 
8.
The Hoagystone v2a
by Edward Alport Children's Fiction, Comedy, Mystery, Fantasy 23 Jul 2008
 Someone has put up a stone circle at the gates of The Scream Park and the way has been opened up to all sorts of unwanted visitors. The second book of The Spokeley Chronicles and sequel to The Scream Park.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Hoagystone

I enjoyed reading the sample of The Hoagystone very much. There's much to like - quirky style, some humour and tension - and I agree that it works as a stand-alone novel despite being a sequel.
 
The only thing I would say about it being a sequel is that I felt at times I wanted to know more about the characters. I wanted more physical details about Charlie, wanted to know how old he was, hear more internal thoughts maybe, and I wondered if these were absent because they'd been covered in the first book. I really felt that Charlie, as the human hero, should be as vivid as possible for the readers so they have somebody to identify with.
 
I liked Seamus as a character and thought he had a great, strong voice. He works well as a contrast to the stereotypically spooky house of lots of children's fiction. Having said that, I did wonder if it might be good to set up Spokeley Hall with a little more tension and atmosphere and a bit more detail as it's such a fantastic setting.
 
As I said earlier, I think your quirky style works well here, but at times it did mean that certain parts of the action that could possibly be made more of - made more exciting for the reader - were dealt with very quickly. In your pottentially very exciting chapter five for example, I wanted more made of Charlie's fear, and more detail which could make the chase scene more real without making it any less fast-paced.
 
Congratulations on what seems to me to be a really good story. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Feedback from Ruth, Random House
 
9.
The Toy Collector
by Julian Green Crime, Historical, Mystery 24 Sep 2008
Sam and Patricia are from opposite ends of the social scale in London of 1895. However, their lives are about to collide when Sam steals a watch and Patricia investigates a possible murder.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Toy Collector

I enjoyed this and am very tempted to take a look at the next few chapters which I think you mention are available on your page. I think the characters and setting are nicely drawn – the reader really feels plunged into nineteenth century London – the sights, smells and people are very real and evocative. 
I rather liked the pick-pocket gang, but didn’t really take to Patricia. I found her age rather hard to judge and was surprised to read that she was almost eighteen – I thought from her behaviour that she was likely to be much younger. In fact, I’ve suggested below that this might work as a young adult book, so it might be worth considering making Patricia younger.  
I liked the almost constant action and the intrigue of the second storyline. I’m sure that the two sets of characters will come into contact at some point in the story and was eager to read on to see quite how the two strand come together.  
There seemed to be a number of quite young characters and I wondered whether you’d thought about the possibility that this might work as a YA story? I’m not sure how the story progresses, so it might well be that this wouldn’t work given what happens further into the story, but it might be something to think about, especially if the younger characters are the main focus and if things don’t get much more gruesome. 
Overall an interesting read and a great start. 

Feedback from Clare, Random House

 
10.
He sings because he is
by Joe 90 Short Story, Romance 27 Aug 2008
 Rewrite of "Soliloquy for Two" incorporating many of the helpful suggestions supplied by my critics.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on He sings because he is

After reading this short story it was clear that at the heart of Joe’s writing is poetry, pure and unashamed.
 

It is a travesty that his short stories have somehow been missed from the Random House reviews every month, and for that I apologies on behalf of all of us, because they are a joy to read. Indeed, after reading ‘He sings because he is’ I went straight on to reading another of his pieces that one of my colleagues is reviewing. 

This short piece is exactly what a short story needs to be. It engages you, drives you, affects you, and then at its end leaves you changed, its work completed… 

The style is colourful and poetic, without being pretentious. It uses phrasings and sentence structures that are succinct and effective, yet it also tells a story. One that is appealing and clear to follow. Some writers that use heavily symbolic prose can fall foul to convoluted and ill formed stories, a trap that the author has skilfully avoided. 

I was concerned that my review of this story was distorted because of the themes proximity to my own life (Being a performing musician and also with a mother who has just undergone having a brain tumour removed!) However, I decided that that fact could go both ways… If it was badly written I would have felt insulted, affronted by its poor handling or the stories theme. Luckily it is well written, and commendably done with a delicacy and respect for the issue with which it focuses. 

If I was to make any observation that would be of help to the author it would be around the dialog in the scenes with Miriam on the train and on stage towards the pieces climax. In both scenes the dialog is rich in sentimentality, and for me it get a little too rich at times. Partly I put that down to being Steven’s emotionally tainted recollection, which in turns leads me to wonder if the author wants to reader to see that it is such. But another part of me thinks that the story would read better, and therefore have wider appeal, if it was toned down a bit. Still if it was the author’s intention to make it overly sentimental as it is from Steven’s perspective, then that is fine. 

I Wish the author much luck in the publication of his works and congratulate him on reaching the top ten on more than one occasion for different stories – a sign that his writing has consistent appeal. My hope is that his poetic skill and subtlety translates well to novels, and that soon we will be seeing novel extracts in the top ten.

Feedback from Gary, Random House




December 1st 2008 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten

1.
Kimi's Secret
by J A Hudspith (JohnnyVee) Horror, Fantasy, Teenage Fiction 10 Oct 2008
  "Kimi Nichols gets a vist from a talking crow, and what should be a happy day spent birthday shopping, turns into a nightmare race against time."

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Kimi's Secret

Dear J A Hudspith,
 
Congratulations on Kimi's Secret, I found it a gripping and interesting read and I would have definitely carried on reading if I had the rest of the manuscript.
 
I thought the sample I read was very well paced and in some ways I liked the contrast between the very spooky, atmospheric opening and the more commercial scenes with Kimi and her parents. I did wonder, however, whether there needed to be a slightly more consistent style and tone. The opening, the scenes with Kimi and the scenes with Bentley etc were, in places, so different from each other that they could almost have been three separate stories. Perhaps just a little more of your distinctive style throughout would unite the chapters and make the book gel together as a whole really well.
 
I think the world you've created is fascinating and I was intrigued about Kimi's parents. It would be wonderful to see a bit more of them and their relationship with Kimi so that we feel their loss as strongly as she does, and understand more clearly the effect of them dying has on their role as Balancers too.
 
Like her parents,  Kimi is a potentially great character, but again I wanted a bit more detail on her, more of an insight into her thoughts and character. Initially the events of the opening chapters seem to be a big shock to her, but if she's used to having the fantastical, magical Bentley in her life, wouldn't she be at least a little bit cooler?  Kimi also switches from feeling almost hysterical to being quite  calm, and almost flippant, relatively quickly  - is this because she feels at ease with Bentley? They are both such great characters, could we make their relationship a bit clearer and more detailed too?
 
Congratulations again on this piece of work - I very much enjoyed it.
 
Merry Christmas,
 
Ruth

 
2.
Murder and the African Queen (v2)
by William McCormick Mystery, Novel 19 Oct 2008
 A sleazy actor just might have bumped off Bogie and stolen his career only to find Fate has cruel plans for him in the role. An alt-history noir/mystery with just a touch of comedy starring Demius Seitaridis, John Huston and Katharine Hepburn (yes, that Katharine Hepburn....) Note: This work contains some mild profanity.

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Random House Feedback on Murder and the African Queen

Murder and the African Queen,
by William McCormick, is, in McCormick’s own words, an ‘alt-history noir/mystery with just a touch of comedy’, giving a significant twist to the familiar stories of golden age Hollywood.  The plot is an undeniably creative one, and cannot fail to amuse anyone who has seen the classic film The African Queen. That said, interest is likely to be restricted to those who are familiar with both the film and the big names in the business when it was made.

      Although I enjoyed reading this extract, particularly the nicely-constructed conversations, I felt that it wasn’t until the end of the third chapter that McCormick settled into his writing. The first two and a half chapters, which gave readers a basic understanding of the background as well as laying the foundations for the following events, were just a little too ‘jumpy’, moving from one scene to the next without allowing for sufficient character construction. The same can be said of Katherine Hepburn’s presence in this story. Although the first mention of Hepburn is set in a ‘Los Angeles Weekly Exclusive’, and the writing is thus kept in line with the nature of this segment, her entrance to the novel as a whole doesn’t sufficiently reflect the power and presence that she had on screen. In other words, I like McCormick’s writing and would just like to see more of it! 

Feedback from Samantha, Random House

 
3.
Cloudless (Revised Version)
by Gee Askew Children's Fiction, Teenage Fiction 28 Jan 2008
  Britain 2000 BC. Cob attends his first Greenfire Feast and is so enthralled by the rites that he fails to notice the disappearance of his special friend, Cloud. Devastated, he sets out to find her – not realising how much it will costs him to bring her back. (Older children/early teens.)

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Cloudless

This piece is really atmospheric with a strong sense of place and the narrator really pulls you into the story. The landscape is evoked really strongly and the domestic lives of the characters are revealed very efficiently without a lot of descriptive language. The relationship between the children is really compelling and you can feel the narrator's sense of loss for his friend. The peripheral characters hint at danger to come, but the author doesn't give too much away.
 
I think the language could sometimes could be tighter though. The tone of the newspaper article doesn't contrast enough with the main voice - I don't think a local newspaper would use the word 'dubbed' for example. And, in places, toward the beginning of the piece the narrator seems to use language that is contemporary eg. 'day-to-day basis' which rather jars against the wonderfully rich vocabularly he uses elsewhere. Very occasionally he/the author seems to step out of the story and comment in a way that distances you from the power of the central narrative e.g. 'indulgent view of childhood'. It works best when the narrator is fully immersed in the action, which he is most of the time.
 
One final thing, if these are opening chapters I want to hear about Cloud - not about Win - I found that irritating. The writer is setting him up for future action, but having been promised the story of Cloud in such an intriguing way at the beginning that's what I wanted straight away. It's a great story and these are pretty minor criticisms.

Feedback from Sally, Random House
 
4.
A Sea of Straw
by Primrose Hill Literary Fiction, Novel, General Fiction 20 Mar 2008
  Love is revolution for Jody and Ze; personal and political threads weave a period piece of the late 1960s, set amidst the light and romance of modern Portugal and the darkness of Salazar's ailing dictatorship.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On A Sea of Straw 

Overall I enjoyed these first few chapters and was intrigued and wanted to read on. I think you’ve chosen an interesting place and period in history which I haven’t seen very much fiction about recently. I like the way you write – some of your phraseology is lovely and your descriptions are very evocative. 

I think you draw characters well, but I didn’t particularly warm to either Ze or Jody as individuals. I was surprised by how willing Jody was to talk to Ze on their first meeting – he’s a total unknown, she has a young child with her and is in a country she doesn’t know – and yet she seems incredibly open to talking and walking with this stranger. I was also slightly surprised by how quickly their relationship seemed to develop. 

I found it a little difficult to follow Ze and Jody’s back stories at the start – more is revealed as you read on, but I found some of the passing references at the beginning particularly to things like the PIDE confusing. I wonder whether you should perhaps reveal a little more at the beginning – I think this would make it a slightly easier read – as it stands I found myself having to re-read paragraphs. 

These are minor queries though, overall I think this is a good start and I’m sure it’s an interesting read.  

Feedback from Clare, Random House

 
5.
The Rusty Coracle v3
by jj marsh Adventure, Literary Fiction, Mystery, Novel, General Fiction 02 Nov 2008
  ‘The truth is, I’ve hidden something. And I’m laying clues for someone to find it.’ A death. A discovery. The hunt is on.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Rusty Coracle v3

Congratulations on getting your opening chapters into the Top Ten and also the Best Seller Chart! I really enjoyed embarking upon the treasure hunt set up by Rose. First let me praise your prose, which is smooth, classic and accomplished. I felt I was in the hands of a first class story teller and was ready to follow the delightful Rose through her adventures and discover her story. 
 
However, as a reader, by the end of Chapter One I have to say I was feeling robbed! Why did we have to say goodbye to Rose so soon? You did a wonderful job of creating a sympathetic character, who, to quote Ives was ‘a lovely woman. Intelligent, interesting, kind.’ She is also our point of view character; the story begins unfolding through her eyes, so why have you decided to do away with her? For me, at that point, the story feels a little cut adrift, as though the stone boat had sailed and we, the readers, were not allowed in it…
 
I’m not sure if this is an insurmountable barrier for the reader or not. It depends on whether Rose is really dead…is she? I’ve become attached you see, already. I think this demonstrates how careful you must be, as a writer, with the characters you introduce your readers to, and when!
 
I think it says an awful lot about your writing talent, that given my disappointment at losing Rose, I am still ready to invest in a new viewpoint character at the start of Chapter 2, Ives. His genuine sadness at Rose’s death, make him someone I’m willing to follow into the mystery that Rose has set in train. And the discovery of the leather bound book of ancient poetry inside Rose’s pocket is well timed, in that our attention has now moved to solving mysteries.
 
The scenes in the dining room were well played out, and Rose’s conversation with Laura was effective in revealing more of both their characters. Andrew’s oafishness put us firmly on Laura’s side and her indifference to Yves looks set to launch us into a romantic thread of the story.
 
You have made an excellent start to your story, and I am eager to discover where the rusty coracle will fetch up next!
 
Feedback from Mary, Random House
 
6.
Footprints
by Susan Howe Short Story, Crime, Literary Fiction, General Fiction 02 Nov 2008
Who will protect you when the law is on the wrong side?

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Footprints

For me the use of descriptives was well done.

I built up a great mental picture of the narrator, of his life and the people around him.

I was quite surprised at the end with his quick thinking and deliberate actions that the baddie got what he deserved.

Well written, good to read, thanks!

Feedback from Teana, Random House

 
7.
Tied
by JW Hicks Short Story, Literary Fiction 17 Sep 2008
If you wait long enough an answer will come.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Tied

I enjoyed reading this – I think in the most part you’ve used the short sharp sections to good effective, they really feel like broken memories. I like the way the reader sees events mostly from June’s perspective, but not solely so and I really wanted to read on and find out quite what had happened to June – whether Cherry had killed her and why if it took place on the farm, hadn’t Grampa stopped her. 

You cleverly create questions and foster doubt in the reader’s mind about circumstance and character – I assume Cherry is June’s mother, but we aren’t sure. June could be her sister’s child as Cherry claims. I think your characterisation is good – the reader instantly feels a certain sympathy towards poor Juney. I also love

Gramps – he’s a great character and a nice balance to June’s horrible (I assume) mother, Cherry.  

The only queries I have are: you mention at the end that June disappeared in 1966 and I wondered whether this is when the majority of the story is set or whether it’s part of a flashback and the rest of the book is set now? I think it often helps if the setting of most of the novel of this sort is quiet contemporary.  

I’m not totally convinced by having so many staccato sentences at the beginning – I like having a few of these, but I did feel that perhaps there were one or two too many. I wanted to get into the story. There was also a line near the end, which I wasn’t sure of: ’Ms Scott. It’s Ms. Shit’. If this is deliberate I afraid I don’t understand it. These are both very minor points though. 

Overall I think this is a really good start and would be interested to know where the story goes from here.  

Feedback from Clare, Random House 

 

 

 

 

 

 
8.
Death by DeNiro
by Mike Hanson Short Story, General Fiction 01 Sep 2008
Introspective view of death and values

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Death by DeNiro

This short story is exactly what it says on the tin. It has a clear, yet enticing start, a solid middle and an emotive ending. And this is no bad thing! 
There is a no nonsense approach to this tragic subject that the reader is drawn quickly in to. Best of all, even though you can instantly get a sense of where the short story is going, you are still emotionally affected at its conclusion. 
The author warns of graphic violence before you read it, and its true, it is mindless violence, which is the poetic crux of the whole piece. In few words, translated through the voice of the main character, who you never get to know the name of, is the story of a life lost through the futile act of another. 
The best character is of course Pete. The way he is visualised and used in the story is fantastic. I think we have all known a man like Pete, numb to the world, unable to feel much at all except through violence. This is illustrated both directly through his desire for fighting and through the way he treats and gets through partners. 
The writer shows great maturity in his writing. Simple style, simple message, a job well done. 
Congratulations on getting in the YouWriteOn top ten and good luck getting more of your entries in the top ten in the future.

Feedback from Gary, Random House
 
9.
He sings because he is
by Joe 90 Short Story, Romance 27 Aug 2008
Rewrite of "Soliloquy for Two" incorporating many of the helpful suggestions supplied by my critics.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On He sings because he is

Dear Joe,
 

Many congratulations on reaching the Top Ten for consecutive months! Reading your short story I am not surprised by your success – it proves of promising literary quality. 

Your storyline, Steven Little, a violinist at the height of his career, who has been diagnosed with cancer, is touching and the reader can easily connect with your protagonist, his passion for music and his coming to terms with his disease. In addition, you integrate some romantic - and sometimes humorous - scenes between Steven and his wife Miriam which add warmth to your story. 

It is evident that you’re especially strong with language and narrative. From the very start your use of language enthralled me: 

“like heather-scented upcurrents of warm air” 

“ecstatic melody that shimmers up and down the octaves” 

“free spirit ascending, vibrant, sublime” 

The use of words is very melodious and supports your story of Steven the violinist. Your words are like music that play in accord with your short story.  

I was very pleased to see your scenes neatly integrated as well: Steven’s performance, his and Miriam’s first encounter, his visit to the doctor – they nicely intertwine with each other without the reader getting lost in the story. In fact, the reader can easily put himself into Steven’s feet and follow his thoughts and feelings during his performance. 

To me personally, He Sings Because He Is is one of my favourites of the stories I have read on YouWriteOn.com so far and I wish you all the best with your writing. May I also take this opportunity to apologise for the delay in submitting our reviews due to unforeseen time pressures. I hope this late review still comes in useful. 

With best wishes, 

Nicole

Feedback from Nicole, Random House

 

 

 

 

 

 
10.
The Silent Scream - Revised
by T. Saull-Hunt Crime, Mystery, Thriller 24 Apr 2008
Sam McMullen has been through hell in the last year. A series of violent events draw him into a dangerous world in which he either becomes the hunter, or the hunted.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Silent Scream

The Silent Scream
opens with a hard hitting and dark prologue set in Slovakia. The tension during this chapter builds up throughout and the descriptions used by the author really help the reader to feel everything that is going on. The coldness of the barn, the fear of the children, the cool arrogance of the Russian gangster all add to a palpable sense of dread. The prologue does a great job of grabbing the reader by the scruff of their neck and forcefully pulling them into the story.
 

The excitement and the tension that the author worked so hard to build in the prologue of the book quickly disappears though when the first chapter starts and we are introduced to the ‘hero’ of the book – Sam McMullen – a recently widowed and crippled man on a downward spiral. Stereotypically struggling with alcohol and nicotine addiction, Sam seems to be at first impression, another lazy 2 dimensional character forced to deal with his own demons. It is someone we have seen a million times before. 

However as the chapters progress you feel yourself being dragged into the story almost against your own better judgement. Slowly we get introduced to more colourful character’s including ‘Old Tom’ and the nouveau rich Tanner family who’s patriarchal head is obviously a man with a secret and, more importantly, we start to see another side of Sam McMullen which may just help this character to become more interesting. 

As chapter 2 draws to an end with a threatening voice on Sam’s answering machine telling him to ‘stay away for good’ the reader is totally immersed in the story and, more importantly, wants to carry on reading to the end to find out the answers. 
 
 Feedback from Neil, Random House

 



November 1st 2008 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      Well done to the authors concerned ! The Top 5 stories below now take their place amongst the other books in the YouWriteOn Best Seller Chart

1.
'The Contemporary Man' & other victims of fashion
by Lawrence Poole Short Story, Literary Fiction, General Fiction 12 Sep 2008
selected stylistic faux pas

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On 'The Contemporary Man' & other victims of fashion

The Contemporary Man
 
I very much enjoyed reading this. I thought it might be a little short in length.
 
The story may to need more to make the end – the newly styled traveller crying and the final sentence on the contemporary man – seem fitting. At the moment the story, or at least the teller, is not dramatic enough to match the ending. In my mind, any developments could be made readily from the story as is: Is there something more to the argument between himself and Jane? Has illness made him emotionally weak as well as physically? Is breaking down something he can do only where no-one knows him?
 
The tone of voice was invoked well. The sense of place was also strong.

Long Legs and Hot Music 
The tone of voice was interesting. It reminded me of American dramatic monologue. The tone seemed quite difficult to pin down, as though there was not yet sufficient control of the voice. The hostile addresses to the reader were well placed and mostly well worded. The swearing came to be a bit much and began to be reductive at times. The description of Brigid was very pleasant to read, but perhaps could be fine tuned. 
The repetition was mostly well used and suited to the tone of voice. In a few parts it could be cut back to read a little more realistically (if that is desired?). The role of the buzz word ‘precise’ wasn’t clear for me. Structurally it seems fine. 

Feedback from Chimaechi , Random House
 
2.
Dead Dom
by Daniel Lewis Crime, Literary Fiction, Novel, General Fiction 05 Oct 2008
Gary knows it’s a sin to let Dom live. What he doesn’t know is that, as Dom ends, something more sinister begins...

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Dead Dom

This is not usually the type of fiction that I would normally go for, but I really enjoyed reading these chapters.  I think that your characterisation was great and that you set the scene well.  I could picture the flat and the pub where the action took place.   I can see that some other reviewers thought that the reasons, although the reader does not have all of them at this point, for killing Dom were weak; I wholeheartedly disagree with that.  I thought that Dom's phone calls to Louie were very disturbing and show how terrifyingly sadistic he is.  I don't want to imagine what else he is capable of, though I'm sure we will find out later.
 

One comment I could make on the characterisation: I don't know whether more local colour could be gained if the protagonists' regional accents could be heard in the dialogue.  It does read very well without this extra effect. 
 
Feedback from Alice, Random House

 
3.
The Peter Chair
by Jasper Dorgan Short Story, Literary Fiction, General Fiction 26 Sep 2008
A man. A chair. Another world. Warning: This story contains explicit language.

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4.
Girl 99
by Fisher Comedy, Novel, Romance, General Fiction 24 Sep 2008
For reasons good and bad, William Fisher embarks on a mission to bring the total number of his sexual conquests up to 100. Everything is going, if not well, then at least according plan … and then Fisher goes and ruins it all by falling in love with girl 99.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Girl 99

Excellent start, had me wanting to read more. The Characters were funny and very easy to relate to.
The story had me giggling all the way through.
I loved the fast pace of the writing and even though I’m sure there was a sad part in an early chapter, the narrative and pace of the book did  not let you dwell on it for long.
There was quite a lot of swearing in the book, although I didn’t mind it.
I loved the ‘realness’of this story and the characters. I really would like to know what happens. 

Feedback from Teana, Random House
 
5.
The Kingfisher (rev)
by Andrew Wrigley Short Story, Literary Fiction, Thriller 01 Aug 2008
Revised. A short story of dog eat dog, fishing in the rain and the ultimate catch with the very last cast.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Kingfisher

Congratulations on writing a gem of a short story. In a few hundred words you have given us two unforgettable, believable, fully rounded characters in Frank and his ‘step son’ Sean. Not only that, but you have opened a little window into hundreds of years of bitter conflict in Northern Ireland.  
I notice that this is a revised version and it’s obvious that you have honed your story, cut, sharpened and polished it till it shines. For this reason there is very little in it that I think you should change. Whatever hard work you’ve put into re-drafting has obviously paid off.  
Your story was successful on many levels. The central idea of a ‘family’playing out a charade of family life, while in fact riven with hate and betrayal, is a clever metaphor for the whole of the Northern Ireland conflict. The two warring sides are forced to live in intimate contact with each other, knowing only the sort of details about each other which are normally reserved for loved ones, yet using that knowledge to destroy each other. 
The character of Frank is impressively drawn, you suggest his mean-ness and sourness very cleverly. Juxtaposing his ‘rasping tone’, his ‘bile’ his ‘sour twist’ of a smile, with the three sugars in his tea and the cosy King Charles spaniels, that make him neither sweet nor cosy, but rather emphasise the opposite. The ‘sulphurous smoulder in his eyes’ says it all.  
Sean too is brutal, but it becomes clear that his ‘savage’ qualities, suggested by the sort of fighting dogs he likes to own, have been grown in him like an alien culture. Whereas Frank is innately brutal, it is obvious that Sean has been brutalized. His actions towards Frank are caring, almost in spite of himself. He makes him his tea, buys him fishing vouchers, offers to walk his dogs, but all the time the reader is waiting for the devastating sharp beaked strike of the Kingfisher!  
I liked the way the menacing dance between the two major characters is kept on a quiet even, unspoken level all the way through, right up till the moment Sean shoots Frank, this gives that moment great impact. I also like the way you allow Sean and the reader to find out the back story, letting his ‘old boys’ tell us the truth, off stage, leaving centre stage for the superb dialogue and interplay between the Kingfisher and his apprehensive victim. This gives a necessary pause, before the final act and the final cast of the King of fishers.  
The denouement is very satisfying and the drugged tea is a master stroke! Frank’s devilish cunning slowly unfolds and not until almost the last line does it  become apparent how Sean has been ‘played’ his whole life, how even his moment of vengeance has been appropriated. He is the little fish on the hook, the victim, who from the age of six ‘never stood a chance, not with Frank’ The final scene is a bizarre echo of the childhood bonding activity, of going fishing with ‘Dad’. But with Frank this sort of intimate knowledge is just a weapon in his arsenal. He predicts Sean will hang around, eat the sandwiches, drink the tea, try to pathetically impress the dead man as he had when a child, by catching a fish…but this is no cosy re-enactment of childhood memories, it is entrapment of the cruellest kind. 
One small timing issue that felt wrong to me was Sean’s comment about Frank’s sandwiches.  ‘Now he bought them in petrol stations’. That ‘now’ suggests a longer time lapse than a few days since Tara’s funeral. You might just leave out that line and let us discover for ourselves a few lines later, when Sean finds they are from ‘the shell garage down the road’.  
Also, I think your story implies that Frank wanted Sean to kill him. He certainly made it clear he wanted to die and was too cowardly to do it himself, and if that was the case, would he have bothered to have his own gun ready when Sean finally came to do the deed? Perhaps that detail is not necessary? 
There really is nothing else I would change about this story. The dialogue is believable, the characters very well drawn and the plot is cleverly unfolded – with a final line that packs an impressive punch! Your writing shows a great deal of promise and I look forward to reading more of your stories. 

Feedback from Mary, Random House
6.
Tied
by JW Hicks Short Story, Literary Fiction 17 Sep 2008
If you wait long enough an answer will come.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Tied

I enjoyed reading this – I think in the most part you’ve used the short sharp sections to good effective, they really feel like broken memories. I like the way the reader sees events mostly from June’s perspective, but not solely so and I really wanted to read on and find out quite what had happened to June – whether Cherry had killed her and why if it took place on the farm, hadn’t Grampa stopped her. 
You cleverly create questions and foster doubt in the reader’s mind about circumstance and character – I assume Cherry is June’s mother, but we aren’t sure. June could be her sister’s child as Cherry claims. I think your characterisation is good – the reader instantly feels a certain sympathy towards poor Juney. I also love
Gramps – he’s a great character and a nice balance to June’s horrible (I assume) mother, Cherry.  
The only queries I have are: you mention at the end that June disappeared in 1966 and I wondered whether this is when the majority of the story is set or whether it’s part of a flashback and the rest of the book is set now? I think it often helps if the setting of most of the novel of this sort is quiet contemporary.  
I’m not totally convinced by having so many staccato sentences at the beginning – I like having a few of these, but I did feel that perhaps there were one or two too many. I wanted to get into the story. There was also a line near the end, which I wasn’t sure of: ’Ms Scott. It’s Ms. Shit’. If this is deliberate I afraid I don’t understand it. These are both very minor points though. 
Overall I think this is a really good start and would be interested to know where the story goes from here.

Feedback from Clare, Random House
 
7.
Zaught Green
by RJ Moser Children's Fiction, Fantasy, Teenage Fiction 28 Sep 2008
It’s bad enough being a twelve year-old foster kid with no friends. What do you do when kids from another world want to beat you up? Zack finds out the hard way in Zaught Green, a modern fantasy for ages 10-14. What begins as your average story on getting paid $3 to beat up a boy ends with four friends, another world, and one sinister school.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Zaught Green

Thanks very much for letting me read Zaught Green, I enjoyed the sample very much.
 
I do like the premise generally but I feel like it could do with a little more clarification and drama. I was left with quite a lot of questions about it. Things like: Three dollars just doesn't seem like a large enough amount for people to be beating up Zack for. If it is a reasonable amount, then why would only children hurt him? Wouldn't hard-up adults want some money too? On a couple of occasions during the sample, Zack is beaten up by a gang - would every member of the gang then get three dollars, or would it be spilt? Obviously these are things that would be answered throughout as the story progresses, but I think they might need clearing up as soon as possible.I also felt like the incident with Aunt Polly could be made more of, so that we understand and sympathise more with Zack's reason for not telling anybody about the situation he is now in.
 
I think you build the tension really very nicely throughout the sample and I was intrigued and would have definitely carried on reading given the chance. Having said that, there are a few occasions where I did feel that the writing could be a little tighter to make sure the tension is maintained as fully as it could be. The early chase scene in the opening chapter is a good example of this.
 
I love the way you've opened with the chase scene and I think it immediately grabs the reader and captures their attention, and I also think the pace and overall structure of the chapters works well. I did wonder whether you could maybe weave in a few more details about Zack earlier than you do at the moment. Appearance, age etc don't really get mentioned until chapter two and it could be nice to have some more visual clues throughout the book and make Zack more of a character we can identify with.
 
Congratulations on this, I think it has the potential to work well and you've done a good job of combining the quirky premise with some fast-paced action and writing that's more commercial.

Feedback from Ruth, Random House


8.
Ready to Fall
by Sheila Bugler Crime 25 Aug 2008
A damaged young woman is framed for murder. In a desperate attempt to clear her name, she uncovers a world she never knew existed - a world of black market baby sales, abductions and sudden death. A world where nothing - not even her own past - is what it seems . . . WARNING: Contains some violence and bad language

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Ready to Fall

I think this is really strong. You’ve obviously read a lot of thrillers and the pacing is exactly right. There is a good feisty central character, but not introducing her until chapter two is a good ploy. It keeps you guessing but doesn’t prove frustrating as the main story starts quickly after the really gripping and violent opening.  

I didn’t get much of a sense of Margaret from this first chapter, but maybe that’s deliberate. However the details make it really chilling and realistic. I’m intrigued by the adopted babies that seem to link the two women, and I think this is a strong theme that female readers will relate to. One very slight criticism is that the tone of these very female pieces jar slightly against the tone of the film noir detective story that seems to be your central theme including phrases like ‘the man who had charged me with murder seven years earlier’…which sounds like James Cagney! 

My only real criticisms are to do with the restrictions of the sample chapter format. It’s hard to get enough information in here to intrigue the reader – for the purposes of the website but not try and jam the whole novel in here. That said I think the chapters you have submitted are very well structured and finish on a great cliffhanger.  

Maybe I haven’t read enough but I think the idea of a female protagonist who may or may not be guilty and a dodgy male cop is a really original twist. It’s interesting that you’ve chosen to tell it in the first person which means the reader is instantly in sympathy with her…but could we be wrong? Really enjoyed this. Thanks. 

Feedback from Sally, Random House

 
9.
Death by DeNiro
by Mike Hanson Short Story, General Fiction 01 Sep 2008
Introspective view of death and values

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Death by DeNiro

Congratulations for making the Top Ten, I can see why your short story made it. It’s very powerful and controversial! Although I feel like “enjoy” would be the wrong word, I was deeply affected for such a short story! I felt that the angry voice of the narrator was quite harsh at the beginning although soon realised there was a valid reason for this. The language when he’s describing the nightclub is very atmospheric and I felt that this really made the story work. I couldn’t help squinting when reading the bit about his eye socket! The piece as a whole is really thought provoking around the whole idea of “brain dead” and I’m sure would cause many debates among readers! I think that it’s really good as a short story and, although I can’t see how this particular story could be extended without taking away from it, would love to read more of your work.

Feedback from Ruth, Random House

10.
Spirit Shifter
by Gavin Cramblet Novel, Fantasy 19 Sep 2008
Talyn’s kingdom often relies on his miraculous ability to transfer wounds from one person to another. But when nobles exploit his powers to start a war, and a murderer holds him hostage in an attempt to prove her innocence, he’ll need more than miracles to save himself and his country.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Spirit Shifter

Congratulations on making it into the Youwriteon top ten! I was impressed with your writing, which is very polished and well paced. You’ve done a great job of ensuring your first three chapters draw the reader into Talyn’s world. You have a light touch in suggesting the nature of the alien culture and manage this without too much over explanation. Allowing the nature of Talyn’s world to emerge as the characters speak and act, rather than giving us long descriptive passages, gives your story the necessary pace to move it forward.
 
Your writing is especially evocative when you deal with the physical world, you evoke the pain of the patients and describe their physical ailments very effectively. The fight scene between Karn and Serra was choreographed superbly, with great realism. I could almost feel the crunch of skull against jaw and the murder of Karn was visceral enough for us to feel the fear gripping Karn’s throat! I think your action scenes and physical descriptions are your greatest strengths, which you’ve played to very well in the opening chapters.
 
I also liked the mental agonizing of Talyn, how he doesn’t sit easily in his role as pain shifter. This adds a dimension to the character that keeps the reader intrigued. With Serra, I think she is in more danger of appearing one dimensional. At the moment she is all ill-suppressed rage, so I would suggest that she is a character that you should be looking to add another layer to fairly early on.
 
Your story successfully establishes that we are in a fantasy tale and as a reader, you have held me for the first three chapters. However, there is a formulaic quality to the story so far and I think after chapter three might be the point where you give us something a little unexpected in your characters or plot. The fox demon is a good counter foil, I liked the way you introduced him as a disembodied ‘chorus’ and his non-human presence is an element of mystery that keeps the suspense going.
 
You have set us up for a meeting between Talyn and Serra, which I’m hooked enough to want to read about, but when it happens, I hope you will consider giving us the unexpected. Perhaps deepen Serra’s character with some contemplation and enliven Talyn’s with some action, perhaps, in a sense swap them over. Mix it up.
 
A word on the linguistics of your created world: I would suggest that you don’t give your characters half invented and half English names and titles. If you are going for archaic ‘real’ names then I think it is worth sticking to one century and region. For instance you’ve given us ‘Windsor’ 20th century English, along with ‘Templar’ medieval English. Harold and William - contemporary English; Talyn and Serra – invented. But both ‘Templar’ and ‘Windsor’ for example have very particular historical connotations - especially for British readers, so unless these will factor into your story, I would suggest changing them to invented names. However, you may of course intend to jar the reader out of your invented world for a particular reason which I’m unaware of at this stage of the story.
 
I was not convinced by the sentence in an invented language you gave to the foreign mother. Unless you intend to develop a grammar for your invented language I would stick to the odd word or title of a person to give a flavour, rather than whole sentences, which can hold up the story and become an annoyance to the reader.
 
On a plausibility note; when Serra’s father confronts her in her room after Karn’s murder, She offers him the box containing her bloodied knife. He takes this as a sign of guilt, but does he really believe his daughter is stupid enough to hand him the un-cleaned murder weapon? A simple search by the guards which uncovers the murder weapon in her room would be more plausible I think. 
 
Another thing I think you should be aware of when you are writing the kakri character is that you have emphasised his non-human nature. The language you use could reflect this a little more. For example you have him say: ‘When I kill at least I am man enough to admit it is because some lives are worth more than others’. But he isn’t a man, he is a fox demon, so this phrase should have no part in his vocabulary, you could change it to something like ‘at least I have the courage to admit…’
 
I hope you add more chapters to your story soon, as the idea of the spirit shifter as a conduit for healing and punishment is an intriguing one and I’ll be interested to see how the story and characters develop.

Feedback from Mary, Random House



October 1st 2008 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten

Well done to the authors concerned ! The Top 5 stories below now take their place amongst the other books in the YouWriteOn Best Seller Chart

 

1.
Welsh, Not (3)
by Chris Pitt Novel, General Fiction 20 Aug 2008
  Siôn, son of an extreme nationalist, born with the wrong coloured hair, reflects on his troubled life. But is it too late to change?

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Welsh, Not

Whatever else it is about ‘Welsh, Not’ is obviously a story about language, in particular the Welsh language, but more generally about the power of language to shape lives and about the attempt to control human beings by controlling their language. You’ve cleverly used different types of language and different ‘voices’ to demonstrate your theme. I was very impressed by your handling of Siôn’s dialect. It’s very easy to ‘over do’ a regional accent, resulting in an irritated reader and a leaden story, but you’ve struck just the right balance to convey Siôn’s accent, suggesting it through the rhythm of his speech and allowing the reader to ‘hear’ the Welsh lilt.
 
You suggest a different world, by defining your other main character Jenny, with a different type of English: the language of a professional, middle class, educated woman. The contrast is deliberate and makes a point, but I did feel that the first person narrative of Jenny was less successful than the sections where Siôn is speaking. There are some descriptive passages in her first person narrative that seem a little stilted; ‘A grey arc of identical council properties…to blue above the horizon.’ I think you manage very successfully to give us a more subtle sense of place during Siôn’s narrative.
 
Siôn’s writing assignments are a clever way of building up the back story and the scenes in the family council home with his abusive father and warm hearted mother felt authentic. I also liked the grudging hero worship in the relationship between Fitz and Siôn.
 
You’ve made an intriguing start to your novel and I would definitely like to read on, to find out who the mysterious Mab Doragan is in the story and if Jen and Nia can be trusted. You throw in a nice doubt about their motives during their interview with Siôn’s Mum and Jen’s change of attitude towards Siôn keeps us guessing.
 
One thing I think might be worth thinking about is giving us more of a sense of what sort of story we are in. Is this a fantasy novel, with the Mab Doragan being a mythical figure re-emerging into modern times, is it a political novel about Welsh nationalism or is it, with the introduction of the gun, a gritty crime mystery? It could be any or all of these, but at the moment it feels as though you haven’t quite made up your mind. The reader would like to know.
 
Well done on a very encouraging beginning to your story and one that leaves this reader wanting to continue with it. I’m left echoing the words of Jen ‘So what happened after that?’

Feedback from Mary, Random House
 
 
2.
Flashback
by E. Christopherson Comedy, Literary Fiction, Novel 12 Aug 2008
  Gordo goes on a long, strange trip ...

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Flashback

The novel starts with Gordo waking up in a hospital bed not recognising himself, his name or even the century he is in. It is pacy and you get a real sense of character.
 
The sixties description though is quite heavily enforced, and I do feel that a slightly lighter touch on that would have enhanced the story more. I do wonder whether trying to make Gordo too much of a sixties stereotype detracts from the writing and the ultimate storyline. Try to be more subtle with the sixties references, ‘the nurse in a white paper cap’ it is just laid on a bit too thick. It would then give you the chance to explore the other character’s reactions to Gordo more, and to establish a real sense of current time, which I think needs expanding.
 
Gordo doesn’t know where he is or what has happened and although you can feel his confusion and paranoia , I am not sure that any fear of his surroundings or his missing memory is described fully. Try to think about what you would feel, wouldn’t you feel scared, what would that mean physically to your body , would your palms sweat, at the moment it is dealt with too lightly.
.
The synopsis outlines a much deeper and darker storyline and I was surprised that this was not conveyed fully by the excerpt. The sypnosis grabs your attention ‘fugitive from justice’ instantly invokes a much more thrilling read. The idea that this also deals with the more personal relationship with his family and especially his daughter, really gives the feeling of substance to the writing.
 
Congratulations on getting to the Top 10 and I hope this helps you to strengthen your story and so reach a much wider audience.

Feedback from Julie, Random House
 
3.
Xy: A World Without Men-Nathan's story
by Kasia Novel, Science Fiction, General Fiction 07 Sep 2008
 As Nathan reaches his fifty-fifth year, he recounts his first and second meeting with Anna, a woman thirty years his junior. His story reveals the underbelly of Vision and the lengths it is prepared to go to, to ensure the ‘ bad man’ never has power again.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Xy: A World Without Men - Nathan's story

The opening to this is gripping, you get right into the action and the relationships between the men in detention are sparsely but effectively realised. It is very pacy and the central idea it is explores is an interesting one and makes you want to read on. The descriptions of the abandoned society are strong, and feel like a film set. The scenes have real drama.
The writer is very good at dialogue and conjuring up characters in a few words.
 
The things that could have been more successful is where the text becomes philosophical. I want to see the feelings, hurt, rage bitterness expressed through the scenes and dialogue and I found the extended pieces of background hard to follow and the writer lost my sympathy at these points. I don’t know if this is a deliberate attempt to distance us from the character of Nathan, because he’s about to do something awful? But, as the chapters stand this feels like a bit of a rant. I think the female characters are less successful than the men, particularly the child, uses language that is a bit stilted and seems to vary between almost babytalk and adult words. I think some of the observations Nathan makes are too general, which leads you to suspect that they are the author’s views not his, and to avoid this I want to know what Nathan personally experienced to lead him to believe these things.
 
Where this story works best is when it concentrates on small details and specific incidents, like finding Mike among the dustbins and Anna’s mother finishing off the pie. I would work on cutting some of the observation and generalization and try and realise it through what the characters say and do, minor characters could carry a lot of this. I think the storyline is interesting and strong, but that the writer needs to check all the time that the story takes precedence over making a political point. If the story works the point will be made! 

Feedback from Sally, Random House
 
4.
Holly Weatherby and the Enchanted House v2
by Mike Hanson Children's Fiction, Novel 18 Jul 2008
 Very few people know why Holly Weatherby's parents stopped talking to one another. However, when Uncle Monty turns up with the answers, Holly becomes determined to do something about it.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Holly Weatherby and the Enchanted House

I enjoyed reading this – I think it’s a sweet story with some lovely and imaginative characters. Holly is great – realistic, but feisty – a good heroine. I also really liked how mysterious Uncle Monty is – the description when Holly firsts meets him and thinks he’s an alien is great. The odd-shaped aliens and the dwarf are also really fun characters.
 
In the main I liked the way the story moves from it being Holly’s birthday to Holly receiving the DVD from Monty to her adventure beginning. However, I wasn’t so sure about the very beginning. I wonder whether you place a little bit too much of an emphasis on Billy Potts the postman at the start if he doesn’t resurface in the story later on that is. If he does and plays a role in what’s to come, I think it’s fine to start as you do, but if he only puts in the one cameo appearance I think you should perhaps treat him with a slightly lighter touch so that the reader knows he’s not really an important character.
 
This is quite a difficult age range to write for because lots of children are reading series at this stage, rather than stand alone fiction. Thinking about a hook, a unique selling point which will make your story stand out in what’s a pretty crowed market might be something to think about going forward. 

Feedback from Clare, Random House
 
5.
mighty like a rose (Who, me? revised)
by H.E Glover Short Story, Literary Fiction 05 Sep 2008
  A short story. A conversation about a life revealed.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Mighty Like A Rose (Who, me? Revised)

H. E. Glover  

Who, me is a neat and carefully crafted short story, exploring the thoughts and emotions of the narrator as he is questioned by what appears to be his therapist. Although the scope of the story is restricted by the length of the therapy session, Glover has managed to convincingly develop the personality and mindset of the main character, allowing the reader to gradually gain an understanding of the personal history of the narrator – what it was that lead to the therapy session – as well as his current personality and emotions.  

I particularly enjoyed the gradual development of the story, both in terms of the narrator’s immediate surroundings and the staggered revelations of the narrator’s childhood. The sound of distant drumming, followed by a mention of the therapist’s shoes, finally developed into a fuller physical description of the therapist, reflects the personality of the patient himself – someone who is caught up in his own internal monologue and is not fully immersed in the outside world, a place that seems somewhat periphery and irrelevant.  

Although I liked Glover’s writing style (and his brilliant accuracy in portraying internal thoughts, such as the amusing use of song lyrics), I feel that the work could be a little more polished. A detailed description of a beautiful smile is tarnished by the unnecessary inclusion of the word ‘taut’, an unusual and charming collective noun (‘flotilla of butterflies’) is followed by the somewhat regimental ‘charge’ (where ‘churn’ might be better), and the sometimes unexpected inclusion of question marks (‘I need to hear about that?’) impairs the tone of the conversation.  

With a little tweaking and tightening, Glover’s writing could be even more enjoyable than it already is, and I look forward to reading more of his work.  

Feedback from Nicole, Random House

 
6.
Hosing Venetian Blinds
by Liza Perrat Literary Fiction, Mystery, Women's Fiction 03 Sep 2008
To vindicate an inexplicable decision, Tanya is forced to unearth tragic secrets. Did her manic-depressive mother kill Tanya's sister? Or was it her seductive Uncle Blackie, who befriended the attention-starved Tanya, on the brink of adolescence?

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Hosing Venetian Blinds by Liza Perrat 
 

I did enjoy this. At first I found the descriptive language a little too much work – there seemed to be too many similies and metaphors in quick succession. I did however find a colourful, dusty, hot landscape was clearly evoked in my mind. The texture the writing seemed to be aiming for did not quite come through for me. Perhaps simpler sentences might help with this. 

The language in the first person young Tanya narrative was much more natural and readable. She became a tomboyish, wilful, likeable character very quickly. The writing is homely and comfortable in these scenes. Dad and Grandma also read very naturally and vividly. I am not sure how much my reading or the writing of these characters relies on stereotypes. This may be something to consider. The mother from child’s-eye-view is well done. Although complex emotions are being related, they are told in appropriate language for a child. I was surprised at first that Tanya was not younger than nine, but on balance this age seems just right. I would be interested to read more about the mother’s depression and her relationship with the father. 

There were many lovely touches in the childhood narrative such as the plastic carpet covers, biscuits at Gallipoli, the mother reminding the police that the baby has a name. The amount of Australian history woven in is impressive. The news piece about the venerated author seems overlong. 

I very much enjoyed the counterpoint of the abortion scene with the baby’s death. The childhood scenes were compelling and thorough. The abortion scenes were stark and provided a good contrast. It reads as though you are seeing the scenes played out under two different kinds of light. The older Tanya scenes could be developed to make them equally as convincing as the other scenes. The language, for example, sounds like third person narrative, although the story is apparently first person. Perhaps simpler sentences or less evident descriptive devices could be employed to keep these scenes real. A little more background with Alex might also provide intrigue early on. It seems that the novel overall aims to work through the complex link between the abortion and the murder/death of Kimberley. Currently there is little emotion (or numbness) for the termination itself. Complete transference of feeling and thought to the childhood death seems jarring.

Feedback from Chimaechi, Random House

 
7.
Adiós, Aurora
by ZeBeDee Literary Fiction, Novel 13 Jun 2008
The Heart of Darkness meets the Lord of the Flies. In 1982, an infamous mercenary surrenders to British peacekeepers in equatorial Africa. He says he is Jack Walton, whose family vanished in 1970. His captors don't believe him. No one could survive the pointless ordeals of his childhood.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Adiós, Aurora 

Adiós Aurora
is a truly gripping read.  
The pace is swift and engaging and I couldn't wait to find out what would happen next.
 
The opening section really draws the reader in, you want to know who this man is and how he arrived at this juncture, not that you are certain where the protagonist is, what he has done and where is his going.  Personally, I always enjoy novels which move between different storylines either focusing on another character or between different points in time.  In this case, the reader travels through the present, recent past and the protagonist's childhood; I believe that to keep each line equally compelling is a real test of an author's ability and we are not disappointed here.
Although I have not read the remaining chapters, I think that it is an interesting concept to look at Jack's childhood as an indication of how and why he has ended up where he is.  Raising the questions of nature vs. nurture and what are the consequences of ones' actions. 
I would love to read the rest of the novel; I don't think I would be able to put it down, until I knew the answers to all those tantalising questions raised in the initial chapters. 

Feedback from Alice, Random House
 
 
8.
Ready to Fall
by Sheila Bugler Crime 25 Aug 2008
A damaged young woman is framed for murder. In a desperate attempt to clear her name, she uncovers a world she never knew existed - a world of black market baby sales, abductions and sudden death. A world where nothing - not even her own past - is what it seems . . . WARNING: Contains some violence and bad language

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Ready to Fall

Congratulations on making the Top 10 of the bestseller chart! I’m really happy I read this one as Crime is my favourite genre.
I was gripped from the start! I felt that completely drawn in to the manic situation that the girl was in. The fast pace of the prologue is a great way of immediately reaching the reader and I couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen. I was extremely curious at the end of the prologue about this woman and her son.
When it then jumps forward 7 years and suddenly I’m confronted with refreshingly contemporary characters. I immediately felt at home in the surroundings and dialogue, which seemed very real and enabled me to really hear the voices of the characters. The emotive description is very clear and it seemed easy to really understand the emotions but felt it could have been improved with more physical description of the space and world around them.
Despite the prologue being a great introduction, it feels quite out of place with the rest of the book. I was slightly confused about who the woman in the prologue actually is, I think it could have been made slightly clearer somehow?
The main character is also a bit of a mystery. It would be good to know more about her past to really understand who she is and subsequently empathise more with her. Although I did feel that the references to drink really made me feel her need and get inside her head.
The main thing I was frustrated about was the fact that I couldn’t read it all! I am totally compelled to read more and desperate to find out what happens!  Really well done for writing this, I felt that your dialogue is great, which is normally the hardest to do! I would be very keen to read the whole book and obviously others agree, which is why you made the top 10! Thanks.

Feedback from Ruth, Random House
 
9.
The Game of Pirate
by Ed Wicke Adventure, Literary Fiction, Teenage Fiction 02 Jul 2008
Piracy, treasure, witches, treachery; and an orphaned boy who just wants a quiet life - to start with, anyway! This is an adventure story which I expect will appeal to boys more than girls.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Game of Pirate

I liked these opening chapters very much, they are well written and really intriguing. There's tons of potentially really commercial appealing stuff in here, but the writing is strong too. It's a great voice for a children's book of this genre and does not patronise or talk down to the reader. 
 
I loved the touch of introducing each chapter with one of the rules from the game, this links the chapters well and reminds the reader of the intrigue of this game throughout. There were a couple of other things, which I thought meant that the chapters didn't flow as well as they perhaps could. The pace is a little frantic at times, a huge amount happens in just this short extract and I think the story as a whole would benefit from moving a little slower, adding a bit more background information in about the captain, Jack and the witches. Throughout, you could pause a little more often to give the reader some more detail - what exactly is the captain's scar? What do the men who attack Jack on the street look like?, for example. I also think that a more consistant pace will maintain the atmosphere you have so brilliantly established in chapter one. I didn't get the impression that Jack is totally terrified when he's attacked, for example.
 
I also feel like the things we discover in chapter two should be hinted at earlier and built up a bit more. In a way it's a brilliant device to suddenly discover that Aunt Emma and her friends are witches, and I like the way you have written it in almost as an aside, but I think it jars slightly too much at the moment. Perhaps we can learn a little more about Jack and his family history earlier, and the witches could be introduced a little more subtley?
 
Jack's clearly going to be a great character, and I wanted to get to know him better. More internal dialogue maybe, a bit more of insight into how he's feeling about situations. Does his heart pound, when they're attacked, for example? I didn't feel genuine affection from him for the captain, and yet he tells him he's been like the father he never had. What does Jack look like? As our hero, I feel like he's not quite dynamic enough in these early stages of the book. He doesn't make any attempt to defend himself when he's attacked and in chapter two he leaves the witches to fight for him. Because of this, it doesn't quite ring true when he attacks the warden in the captain's cell and I didn't feel particularly attached to him.
 
I hope this helps.I really did enjoy reading this and was intrigued to read on. Given the amount of submissions we receive each week - this is a really good sign.

Feedback from Ruth, Random House
 
10.
He sings because he is
by Joe 90 Short Story, Romance 27 Aug 2008
Rewrite of "Soliloquy for Two" incorporating many of the helpful suggestions supplied by my critics.

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September 1st 2008 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten

1.
Bunny Rabbits, Elves & Flowers (Revised)
by JohnnyVee Short Story, Horror 15 Aug 2008
  Orphaned in a land of low-flying dragons and smelly fairies, eight-year-old Melissa Grimforall decides to make a stand. - !ADULT FANTASY HORROR! -

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Bunny Rabbits, Elves and Flowers


 This misleading, haunting, yet appealing short story sends the reader down a very dark road before emerging into the light at its conclusion.

 
The use of prose is effortless and fluid, with a clear sense of pace and rhythm. Melissa is also well visualised and her perception of a dystopian world was chilling to say the least. It leads the reader to try and understand her mindset, and find out why is she so dispassionate about taking life and the fate of her parents.
 
Everything reads really well until the final section, when Melissa’s bubble is burst and the true story is revealed. This last section seems to explain away the truth too quickly. I realise it is supposed to be a fast journey into realisation, but it just feels too quick.
 
It is clear that the author has a good, readable style, and a adventurous imagination as well. So with a bit of work the ending could be brought up to the standard of the rest of the story.
 
An encouraging effort. Congratulations to the Author for getting to the Top Ten!

Feedback from Gary, Random House
  

 

 

 

 

 

 
2.
Overlord - The Rise of Zenobia (3)
by JD Smith Historical 02 Aug 2008
  6,800 words. Third century AD and the might of the Roman Empire begins to crumble through invasion. In the east of the empire, the forces of Persia press the frontier, and the king of the Syrian city, Palmyra, calls upon Emperor Valerian for aid. And thus, amidst the turmoil of the age, our story tells of Zenobia - the Warrior Queen.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Overlord - The Rise of Zenobia

Overlord starts as an enjoyable historic action adventure of David Gemmell like intensity dealing with comradeship, violence, and loss, then switches quickly to reflecting on the aftermath and finally revealing the main story.
 
The writing is well paced and has a sense of calm that is contagious to the reader. There is a confidence and precision in the style that is commendable. I was concerned at first with the dialog, but as the story unfolded it improved immensely.
 
There is also a good economy of words, leading to the great pace of the story. In such a short submission I was drawn to three completely different scenes – all compelling, equally well done. It was almost frustrating! The environments were well described in short snippets rather than long descriptive sections, which fitted well with the pace.
 
The only issue I had with the submission was that the descriptions of the characters did not feel up to the quality of the rest of the submission.
 
In conclusion there is little to fault with this piece, and the author should be proud of its quality.
 
Congratulations to the Author for getting to the Top Ten! A well deserved position for this piece.

Feedback from Gary, Random House
 
3.
La Putain Anglaise
by Lorraine Mace Short Story, Literary Fiction 16 Jun 2008
 When Claudette is told her father wants to make peace after fifty years of silence, she has some hard choices to make.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On La Putain Anglaise

This was a very moving tale, full of suppressed anger, passion and longing, and building to an understated but accomplished climax. Your characterisation is excellent – you brought both Claudette and her father alive in just a few pages – and I was pleased with how believable the reversal in the character’s fortunes felt, there was no sense that you had set out to create a ‘twist in the tale’ type story as can sometimes happen with newer writers.  
 
Your writing style is very simple, with few descriptive passages but this meant those you did include – such as the description of her father as ‘a skeleton, loosely shrink-wrapped in skin’ – really stood out. It’s great to see a writer confident in their style, who doesn’t feel the need to embroider their language with unnecessary similes and metaphors.
 
If you were to go back and make any revisions I would suggest that you could look again at the first line the father speaks. ‘Your mother was no heroine, she was a putain’ is dramatic but it struck a slightly artificial note with me; would her father not at least make some kind of reference to how long it had been since they’d seen each other? It reads rather like the kind of line people say in films and I think it might work better if you were to preface it with something that refers to Claudette’s arrival in France. Other than that though, this is a very good piece of writing and I can see why it has been so popular with readers. Congratulations!

Feedback from Alison, Random House
 
4.
Infidel Heart [version two]
by Kit Habianic Short Story, Literary Fiction 11 Jul 2008
 Infidel Heart - a short story. July 7 2005: when a terrorist attack brings London's transport system to a halt, a young Muslim questions her choices as she waits for news of her sister.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Infidel Heart

Congratulations on reaching the Top Ten again, Kit! Bwci-bo was one of my first reads to review and I am very happy to see another of your stories has proved successful on YouWriteOn.com. Well done!

You are very good at depicting certain social and political issues and certainly don’t disappoint with Infidel Heart. The impact of 7th July has been told many times, but very rarely from a Muslim woman’s point of view. Though your story is fictional, the reader can very well engage with Saff, the main character, and sympathises with her in her struggle between living a western life and living her religion.

I would probably go into more detail here to make her struggle even sharper. The same applies to Saff fearing for her sister Noura’s life. If you expanded on Saff’s concerning thoughts, your story would turn into a more dramatic read, with the end being even more relieving. I also suggest dropping Noura’s postcard: I personally thought it did not contribute to the storyline and it turned out slightly peculiar when she returns home after the bomb attack. Saff walking through Noura’s home, going through her personal things, would evoke the same feelings and thoughts in Saff and contribute to the story more successfully as there would be more of a flow of your storyline.

I very much liked the style you build your short story up with: Small scenes from past and present give the reader a very good picture of the situation Saff finds herself in. Furthermore, I feel it suits the theme and beautifully reflects the chaos of that day in the narrative.

Apart from the few details mentioned above, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. It lives from strong characters, pace in style and strong dialogue. I am looking forward to reading another story of yours which no doubt will impress readers on YouWriteOn.com again!

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
5.
Mrs Outhwaite
by Wendy Newdy Crime, Novel, Womens Fiction, General Fiction 17 Jul 2008
 A year after her son's apparent suicide, Mae Martindale becomes obsessed with Mrs Outhwaite while both are on a community punishment programme. But just as her obsession grows, so does their unlikely friendship and Mrs Outhwaite becomes not just her ally but her salvation.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Mrs Outhwaite

Congratulations on achieving the Top Ten with Mrs Outhwaite! You very well depict a mum’s problems and social decline whilst coping with the loss of her son.

Your narrative is fluent and the language you use brilliantly reflects Mae’s character. She is frustrated, depressed, hateful, and very hostile against any other person. She is easily angered and cannot control her feelings and thoughts:

"But even as I am saying it I am wishing I wasn’t.“

Mae seems to be in a constant battle of trying to become a better person, however, keeps failing until the very end. Furthermore, she doesn’t seem to want to change her behaviour as any change would mean to forget about her son, in a wider sense. You reveal this very well when Mae notices that Ross had put away the family pictures with their son.

Whilst on the surface Mae does not present a typical mum-type character, her thoughts of Daniel show a certain warmth in her. Mae’s relationship to her son was special, even Ross, Daniel’s father, admits this.

Nonetheless, it is quite obvious that Daniel’s suicide could very well have been the result of a disdraught family: His parents were divorced, Ross apparently failed to be a good father, Mae drinks and swears. You bring the elements of an unsuccessful family life beautifully together; the reader easily engages with the difficult, and quite uncomfortable, situation.

Whilst your style and voice work in your favour to create a certain uneasiness amongst readers (it reminded me a bit of Notes of a Scandal), I wonder if your story benefited from little intersections which do not include a great amount of Mae's destructive attitudes and thoughts. Your story could turn out to be slightly too draining for readers if they were to read your completed work.

Furthermore, I expected Mrs Outhwaite to have a more impacting role given that you named your story after her. She influences Mae’s behaviour and opinion, however, not strong enough to be put into the centre of the story by the title. You may have further plans for Mrs Outhwaite when developing your story, but at the moment she is not a character succinct enough.

To conclude, you built up a very pacy story which lives from a strong character who keeps the readers engaged: They may dislike Mae due to her hostile attitude, whilst at the same time sympathizing for her as she is having a difficult time in copying with the loss of Daniel. I consider this is as one of your main strenghts – well done!

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
6.
Flashback
by E. Christopherson Comedy, Literary Fiction, Novel 12 Aug 2008
Gordo goes on a long, strange trip ...

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Flashback

This has great potential, an energetic and lively opening which plays around successfully with a mix of styles, tones and genres, and is, above all, laugh-out-loud funny. By plunging us straight into Gordo’s confused world, we are left as baffled as he is about what’s going on, and keen to read on: is his persistent use of outdated slang (groovy, doobie, square) a sign he is merely a pathetic throwback to the sixties, a hanger-on who’s refused to grow up, or are there more complicated reasons to explain it? You maintain the light and frivolous tone really well, thanks to the voice of Gordo, and the obvious mistakes he makes in analysing and understanding the twenty-first century society he suddenly finds around him. This allows the opening chapters to light-heartedly satirise not only the twenty-first century, but Gordo’s child-of-the-sixties mentality too. You also use and satirise narrative styles well, from the ‘back to the future’ genre to action novels, for example the scene where Gordo’s attempted escape turns into farce as his newly acquired, sixty-something body refuses to keep up.
 
The style of the narrative is fast-paced, funny and engaging, however, reviewing only the first three chapters, my reservations lie in how well it will develop as a novel. Although told in the first person, the pace of the action and lack of reflection means Gordo remains a bit of a stereotype, a sort of Austin Powers type figure, a bit dim and vain: although he’s entertaining, I’m not sure I fancy accompanying him all the way through a novel. From this excerpt, I think that you could do one of two things to make the reader more eager to carry on with it. You could pad out Gordo’s character, make him more human, perhaps by focusing further on his internal reactions and developing what could be quite moving episodes, like when he looks at his hands or reflection in the mirror and realises how much he’s aged. You could also try bringing in other narrative voices to give a different and fuller perspective on the situation. However, I can see that this would change the tone a lot, making it a more serious and complicated satire than you intended. So it seems to me that a good alternative would be perhaps to keep Flashback as a short story. The opening doesn’t quite seem weighty enough yet to support a long narrative, but by fine-tuning and significantly condensing the plot, I think it could work really well.
 
However you decide to develop this, I think it has a lot of potential and I really enjoyed reading it- good luck!

Feedback from Phillipa Lewis, Random House
 
7.
The Kingfisher (rev)
by Andrew Wrigley Short Story, Literary Fiction, Thriller 01 Aug 2008
Revised. A short story of dog eat dog, fishing in the rain and the ultimate catch with the very last cast.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Kingfisher

Well done, this short story immerses its readers in the narrative from the first page. Violence is reported through the gritted teeth of our narrator - a convincing character - and the atmosphere is gritty, controlled, realistic. This makes lines such as 'I wanted to kick its head off' when talking about Frank's dogs all the more punchy. The idea of the spaniels being used as target practice for the young pit bulls is chilling. The Northern Irish dialogue sits well, and it's great that you haven't overplayed the expletives.
 
I was pleased that the narrator has some depth to him, and surprised myself as I warmed to him. His description of his passion for dog fighting has a lyrical intensity, and when he wishes he could be left in peace to dog fight (that most cruel of sports) there's a certain vulnerability to it.
 
The description of the gravel pit is great - 'the swollen grey water and the ceaseless rain' emphasise the dreariness of the place, throwing the ensuing violence into stark relief.
 
I was genuinely surprised when Frank had his revenge at the end, although I would suggest cutting the last line. I don't think you need it, and it was the one place where I felt that the drama was a little overblown.

Feedback from Ellie, Random House
 
8.
Two for the Crow
by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Mystery, Womens Fiction 22 May 2008
It's l961 and Catholic school is out for the summer. Neighborhood life is simple for fourteen-year-old Theda Bara Falco and her friend, Nadine. That is, until the lazy summer morning Nadine Lupinski goes missing.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Two for the Crow

Congratulations on the beginnings of what could prove to be a very intriguing mystery story! The thirty pages I read were crammed full of character and incident and certainly made for a page turning read. I loved how you subtly introduced the principal suspects – Theda’s mother’s boyfriend, Nadine’s difficult father, and intimidating brother – before the reader even realises that a crime has been committed.
 
I did think it might be worth thinking about focusing your attention on creating more of a sense of atmosphere; because the action skipped along so rapidly you never really took the time to establish a strong sense of place, which is very important in period stories in particular. There were certain scenes – the swimming pool for example – where your characters arrived and then seemed to leave straight away and I’d have really liked to have seen you take the time to describe the pool in a bit more depth. Why not show us Theda and Nadine’s conversations with the other swimmers? This would also give us more of a sense of their characters so that you didn’t have to rely on Theda telling us how Nadine always followed her around, but could show it instead, through their conversations.
 
Occasionally your chronology could become a little confused so it took some thinking to work out when it was say, that Theda received the letter inviting her to tea with Miss McKenzie and Ms Prude in relation to when your story opened. Do try and make a more obvious separation before different periods so we know when you’ve taken a step back – to describe Nadine’s birthday dinner for example – and when we’re back in the present as it really helps the flow of your writing.
 
This was a very promising start and I do hope you to continue to develop your novel and that these suggestions have been helpful.
 
Good luck!


Feedback from Alison, Random House

 
9.
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW
by Angela Jaques Novel, Womens Fiction 23 Jul 2008
In 1988, Deirdra takes her own life. Twenty years on, Eve falls victim to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Will history repeat itself?

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Something You Should Know

Congratulations; this has a brooding romance, suspense and a great sense of place: Vellon brought to mind Du Maurier's infamous Manderley. The structure is well balanced, following the narratives of three women: Deirdra, who drowns herself in 1988, because husband Eddie has 'gone to far' and had an affair with Selena (of Foyle, the manor house across the cove); Eve, the current inhabitant of Vellon; and Martha, the young girl now living at Foyle, who clearly has eyes for Eve's husband, Patrick.
 
The opening is strong, with Deirdra preparing for suicide. Her final reflections on the events that have driven her to this point work well as a natural way of providing the reader with the back story. We know we are in for a good read when Deirdra puts a scrap of paper under her husband's pillow declaring 'I watched you'.
 
I like that Martha's story is told through diary entries, and you've captured the voice of a young girl well - the change of tone helps to differentiate between narratives. The three strands complement each other, and we can see aspects of the story from different perspectives, which fleshes out the characters. For example, we see Patrick through Eve's eyes - as a young, naive boy, who she mothers slightly, and then from Martha's point of view, who sees him as an attractive, seductive man. As readers, we can see exactly why Patrick might flirt with an easily-impressed teenager as he feels inadequate in front of his wife.
 
I do think Eve's relationship with Patrick needs a bit of tightening, though: I wasn't completely convinced by them as a couple, which can jar the narrative. It's great that Eve's a complex character - plagued by a rational sense of doubt over Patrick's age and (lack of) maturity, but hoping for a child, aware time is slipping away from her - but as a passionate artist, albeit one who is emotionally cool towards marriage and its trappings, I think her passion for him needs to be a bit clearer.
 
Equally, Eve is the consummate artist, and a strong female character, but at times I think you need to tone down the characterisation a bit. For example, her 'bravely' declaring the Foyle cottage pie to be 'delicious', whilst secretly craving a salad and the dead fly in the wedding day champagne are veering towards pastiche.
 
Overall, a good read - Patrick's parents are deliciously awful, and you make good use of the Cornish setting.

Feedback from Ellie, Random House
 
10.
Away from the Sun
by Carl Plummer Crime, Novel, Thriller 11 Aug 2008
The third Mulberry/Calvert story. What begins as a simple murder becomes an intricate web in which Calvert is already entangled: Environmental Terrorism. Mulberry finds that some people will go to any lengths to have a child to love.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Away from the Sun

This is a really well written and expertly structured opening which plunges the reader straight into the action and immediately gets them hooked: I was genuinely disappointed not to be able to carry on reading when I got to the end of the excerpt! Your project is ambitious but you manage to move convincingly between a wide range of voices, leaving the reader wondering how this web of dramatically different characters could possibly relate to one other.
The careful positioning and juxtaposing of the scenes works brilliantly and I particularly like how the motif of water threads all the separate episodes together, from the opening section where Townshend and Story are lost at sea, or where Vanessa cycles home in the rain, through to her death, apparently by drowning. This is a really inspired idea, with the water symbol becoming gradually more significant as it’s revealed the crime may in fact be environmentally motivated. This all works to give a modern edge to what in some ways (with the slightly cynical, blasé detectives, for example, and the handful of frustrated housewives) could be seen as a potentially unoriginal set-up. Both the causes of the crime -environmental terrorism- and the way the crime is described are refreshingly new. The only word of warning I might give at this point is that occasionally the water motif is slightly over-laboured: although it is an effective way to link the sections, it doesn’t need to be emphasised too much.
Your writing style is also very engaging: scenes are described with a detail and precision that gives them an almost filmic quality, and I can really visualise what’s going on. You handle all the techniques of the mystery genre well, evoking just the right balance between the cosy and the creepy (for example, where the sinister nature of Vanessa’s attack overshadows the following, snug marital scene between Stephen Haddock and his wife). You are very good at creating suspense, and subtle humour, but where you could perhaps do some work on your writing style is in describing action: I feel that when you describe Vanessa falling off her bicycle, or the shoot-out in Paris, your style becomes a bit slow and stilted, and needs to be punchier. Another concern is that with so many characters and sub-plots you might run the risk of overcomplicating the storyline and confusing the reader, so be wary of that.
However these are only very minor quibbles about what is a really accomplished and exciting project. I think your strengths lie in your description, and the way you build up and layer contrasting atmospheres, so make the most of that. I look forward to reading a lot more of your work in the future- well done!

Feedback from Phillipa, Random House

August 1st 2008 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten



1.
Connie's Convertible (Revision 3)
by Jim Coffey Novel, General Fiction 09 Jul 2008
 Tom visits Connie, ex girlfriend and love of his life. The visit, and an unwelcome phone call from his estranged dying father, causes Tom to reflect on how he got into this desperate state, and then, just what he's going to do about it.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Connie's Convertible

What a nice, funny and light-hearted story! Well done for achieving the Top Ten with your entry which I very much enjoyed with a smile on my face throughout!
 
The language you use is entertaining and engaging and by putting questions forward to the readers you brilliantly involve them into your story:

"What to do?"

"What do you need to know about her?"

"How the hell had it come to this? I will try to explain."
 
Splitting the parts into smaller sections also helps the reader to follow your story easily and you are certainly not short of comic elements:
 
"Armed only with my thirty-nine year old legs and a slightly younger push-bike"
 
"Home was a nondescript town house carved up for the benefit of someone rich enough to own it but too rich to have to live there."
 
"…Legs you can't help but naturally want to put into all kinds of unnatural positions…"
 
"For a moment I thought I'd drowned and gone to heaven, as I happened to notice my rescuers were three naked, young and shapely ladies."
 
Comic elements like these follow the story throughout and make Connie's Convertible a very pleasant, entertaining read. Furthermore, the reader easily warms to the main character Tom, who often funny, sometimes a bit sentimental (when he talks about home), is very likeable.
 
I've got two suggestions you may want to consider:
 
You do not disclose lots of information on Tom's relationship with his ex-wife Evelyn and his daughter Mickey. Whilst your main focus in the first pages is on Tom's relationship with Connie, I think it would help the reader to get a better picture of the main character if you told a bit more about his life before he met Connie: Why did they split up? What kind of relationship does Tom now have with Evelyn and Mickey? A friendly relationship? A distant, cold relationship?
 
I was quite surprised that Tom decided to visit his ex-girlfriend when he discovered that he could not get into his flat, especially since they had broken up not long time ago. This reaction seemed to be rather unnatural. I would describe his motives to visit Connie in further detail. Surely, he didn't seek shelter only, but longed to see Connie.
 
Overall, a very enjoyable story you can be proud of!"

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
2.
A Cross by the Road (Revised)
by Dan Schuler Short Story, General Fiction 22 Jun 2008
 A woman reflects on her past and her prospects for the future on the anniversary of the tragic accident that changed her life.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road

Congratulations on a successful entry to the Top Ten! I thoroughly enjoyed your short story which lives from its pace, the convincing voice of the main character and the beautiful language you use.
 
You are very succinct in your descriptions, very focused on the main theme of your story: A man reflects on the accident in which he was involved and in which his sister Hannah Lynn died. You build your story up nicely: The brother's visit of the cross by the road, the sad memories of the accident, the warm memories of his conversation with Hannah Lynn before the accident, his parents' reaction to the loss of their daughter and the disclosure of the brother's actual involvement in the accident smoothly intertwine with each other. This allows for fluency and pace and makes your story a pleasure to read.
 
Furthermore, the main character's thoughts and feelings are utterly convincing and are very well conveyed by the language you use:
 
"To me, this is hallowed ground, the place where my younger sibling spent her final moments on this earth."
 
"I am still here, forced to live on, to remember that day for the rest of my life. I pray that Hannah has found peace, even as I am aware that I never will."
 
"and I find myself wishing that I too could be spirited away so easily, lifted out of this nightmare where everything has gone so terribly wrong."
 
These paragraphs especially reflect the brother's feelings and engage the readers with him: They feel the pain about the tragic loss of his sister and easily warm to the main character.
 
The second and third quote I mention above also give a glimpse of the brother's actual involvement in the accident, but it is not until the very end when the main character discloses that he was drunk behind the wheel when the horrific incident happened. The end is rather surprising, a turning point you keep for the end of your story, and I personally think you do very well in leaving this part for the end: It makes your story interesting and leaves the reader thinking beyond the end of the story. Well done!
 
Moreover, I thought you cleverly reflected on a little scene between brother and sister when they talk very personally of Hannah Lynn's affection for Kyle. There is a certain warmth and sweetness in the siblings' communication with each other which make Hannah Lynn's death even sadder and more revolting.
 
In my opinion you have written a very successful short story and truly deserve to be among the Top Ten!

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
3.
HANDSTANDS IN THE SHALLOW END (REVISED)
by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Womens Fiction 13 Jun 2008
  It’s l968 when Luanne Kilpi is pulled from the Saginaw River and ends up in the loony bin. Her story illuminates the hopes and hazards of psychiatry, the thin line between heartache and insanity, an unflinching look at life inside the asylum that looms large in a small northern town. Women’s fiction.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road

“Handstands in the Shallow End” covers an interesting topic, that of a sane woman who has experienced a serious loss and has been placed in a psychiatric hospital.  The narrative is well-written and very descriptive and the prologue immediately captured my attention.

The detailed description is good but potentially having so much detracts slightly from the plot which seems confusing due to the fragmentation of the text which jumps in time quite often.  Your dialogue is very realistic and the events that occur do not seem implausible.

You have focused on several characters which is great but I still have not got a real feel for the protagonist Luanne, without an emotional connection to her, the reader will not feel sympathy towards her situation which is certainly a horrific one and should be very heart-rending.  I believe there to be a need for more detailed portrayal of Luanne as a person as well as of her surroundings.  

The brutal cruelty of the hospital staff, particularly of “The Lobster” is intense without being far-fetched which is a difficult accomplishment.  You have some interesting themes and a good mix of characters.  Luanne would benefit from character development and once this has come together you should have an emotional read.


Feedback from Marisa, Random House

 
4.
Awake (slight revision)
by Danny Gillan Short Story, Comedy, General Fiction 02 Jul 2008
 Short Story. I've made a few changes to this but nothing major, so if you've had it before feel free to pass. It's a gently comic look at a typical working class funeral.

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Random House Group Feedback on Awake 

What a lovely short story you have written, Danny! I enjoyed reading your light-heartedly humorous submission which picks upon scenes at a family funeral.

Your beginning is very strong, with comic elements opening up the story:

“It seems that death is not the end. After that, there’s lunch.”

“There are also cakes - Mr Kipling has paid”

The first-person narration works very well; your main character observes various scenes at the funeral, adding personal thoughts and feelings to his observations. The reader warms to him quite easily and is able to follow the story easily. For a short story, I personally thought that you introduced the various characters carefully, without confusing too much. They are perfectly depicted and one senses a certain warmth in the father-son-relationship.

The “touching of shoulders” is a beautifully crafted, recurring element. I would probably introduce it even earlier, to give it more power and to have a stronger story line pointing towards the end. 

I thought Kelly’s appearance as a policewoman was slightly peculiar and disturbing. Having read the end, it falls into place, but I suggest reworking this part. You could probably take it out and replace it by another scene. Here is just a suggestion - I am sure you’ll find your own creative solution!

- Tonto could die of a heart attack, shortly before hitting Sean. In your end scene, you could still reveal Mary as a person with good instinct, and the narrator admiring his wife for her senses. Tonto dying rather than being arrested would accomplish your setting and overall theme more effectively as well. 

Your ending is sweet and warm, and wonderfully closes the story. Congratulations to a well deserved place among the Top Ten!

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
5.
Frame-Up
by E. Christopherson Crime, Mystery, Thriller 29 Apr 2008
  New York magazine journalist Will Pruett attempts to frame himself for a murder he had nothing to do with as a way to put the death penalty itself on trial—to demonstrate how a simple coincidence or two can cost an innocent man his neck.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Frame-Up

You have a really intriguing, original idea for a novel and I hope you to continue to develop it, as it has such potential.

Your writing is generally lively and entertaining although I'd recommend you read as widely as possible in the thriller genre, if you have not done so already, to see how other authors tackle issues such as characterisation as I felt this could be a little simplistic, particularly with Zeeva, and would be worth some closer attention. Try and be as creative as possible in the details you do give; it was much more interesting, for example, to read that Will opened the window in his cab due to claustrophobia as it both tells us something about Will as a person and also hints at forthcoming difficulties (after all, how will a claustrophobic cope in a confined cell?) than it was to read that Zeeva wore Chanel No. 5.

There is a lovely trace of humour in your writing, which is bound to keep a reader entertained and by the time I'd finished your four chapters I was completely absorbed in Will's story and whether he'd risk his life for the sake of fame and fortune. Even in just those few sample pages you established Will and Sam as likeable characters and although the story is slightly skewed towards Will at the beginning, which is fairly inevitable, I imagine you will ensure that the balance is more even as the story progresses. I was eager to see how the two would interact when they did meet – would Sam uncover the plot? – which is a really positive sign as, so often, it can take too long to see how characters will eventually meet, by which point the reader has lost interest.

On a plausibility note, I was a little surprised that he didn't ask to meet the lawyer involved in the case first; I'm not sure if this will turn out to be relevant later in the story but I felt it was unlikely that a journalist wouldn't check out every angle of a case before they signed up, especially one that was so risky. After all, what proof did he have that Zeeva had even spoken to the lawyer? But as, I say, this could have been engineered for a plot reason although, if that is the case, it's probably best to show Zeeva overriding Will's concerns rather than Will never expressing any.

This was a very enjoyable read and I really think you have a good idea that I hope you will to continue to develop. Congratulations and good luck!

Feedback from Alison, Random House
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
6.
La Putain Anglaise (formerly Chickenfeed)
by Lorraine Mace Short Story, Literary Fiction 16 Jun 2008
When Claudette is told her father wants to make peace after fifty years of silence, she has some hard choices to make.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on La Putain Anglaise        

Your short story is an impressive piece of writing; you build up the tension carefully, surprising the reader with various twists along the way.  The narrative is strong and has a good pace and your flashbacks flow extremely well without you losing sight of the plot.  

The use of the French language fortifies this text about human nature, betrayal, vengeance and honour.  You do not idealise your characters, giving them all the humanity that is necessary to make your story credible.  “La Putain Anglaise” is an emotional story with good use of description without overdoing it.  I might suggest rephrasing a few sentences but apart from that the language is good and you certainly know how to affect your reader emotionally.

“La Putain Anglaise” is a memorable story which leaves you assessing what is right and what is wrong, especially in such a turbulent period as wartime where this becomes more difficult to judge.  I congratulate you on a shocking and satisfying ending; your last few lines are particularly fantastic.  Well done!

Feedback from Marisa, Random House
 
7.
Infidel Heart [version two]
by Kit Habianic Short Story, Literary Fiction 11 Jul 2008
Infidel Heart - a short story. July 7 2005: as a terrorist attack brings London's transport system to a halt, a young Muslim questions her choices as she waits for news of her sister.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Infidel Heart

Well done – this is a strong, intense piece of writing, dealing with the difficult subject of terrorism and the effect it has on the lives of Muslims in the community. You convey the confusion and guilt that Saff feels incredibly well, whilst avoiding the pitfalls of stereotyping. The lines ‘I understand the logic behind this misdirected rage of the innocent. And that’s what sickens me the most’ encapsulate the complex feelings such an event must elicit.
 
Saff’s relationship with Sam is nicely handled – as she slaps him for mentioning that she isn’t circumcised readers are reminded that this is simply a sexual encounter between two young, naïve teenagers: their respective religions – for Saff at least – seemingly irrelevant during this moment of physicality. She seems relieved, if not somewhat surprised, that she is not struck down and the world destroyed; a touching moment that reinforces the sense that she is struggling with complex emotions that she can’t quite grasp.
 
Saff’s feelings that she has sinned against God and deserves to be stoned are pretty stark, but show how an event as momentous as the presumed loss of a sister can bring about intense emotion. I thought that the paragraph where she internally thanks Sam for ‘handing her the bullets’ was perhaps unnecessary. Saff’s calm, steely response, provoking Sam about land-grabbing in Israel makes it obvious that she is trying to cut herself off and works to greater effect standing alone, especially in such a highly charged piece.
 
Putting the London bombing into a larger context of atrocities carried out in the name of religion works well, and I was pleased to see that you didn’t lay this on too heavily – mentioning Szrebrenica, Bentalha, Fullujah by name is enough. I also liked the section on Saff’s childhood in Algeria. Even in a short piece, it’s good to flesh out your characters, and the incident where Noura is shot at by her father is great. Noura’s quiet apology and her father’s stunned impotence are well rendered, and this anecdote also makes Noura’s running away more credible.
 
To pick out one phrase, I especially liked the simile of the London bus ‘spilt open like a pomegranate’ – it vividly conveys the violence of the event, without the need for a graphic description. I would suggest cutting the sentences ‘Scalps on the streets. Blood on the walls’ as I think it’s strong enough on its own.
 
I didn’t think the ending was quite as strong as it could have been. I think it is clear that Saff has made up her mind, and although she is young, I think the statement that Noura will rise a stronger person and the line ‘I will keep my promise’ are a little absolute for a short story. I would be inclined to end on the three of them walking back to the aunt’s house, leaving the readers to contemplate their futures.
 
Congratulations on a brave piece of writing and I hope you will continue.

Feedback from Ellie, Random House
 
 
8.
Old Horses
by B. F. Thor Literary Fiction, Novel 05 Jun 2008
Meet Louis and his best friend Campbell Feathers; two teenage wildmen trapped, temporarily, in small town hell. Louis's idea of rebellion is adding apostrophes to road signs, whereas Campbell Feathers unselfconciously inhabits an adult world of drink, drugs and illicit sex with his Mother's friend Barbara (or so he claims).

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Old Horses  

Congratulations on a well-written story. Campbell Feathers is an interesting character, with a great name.
 
I especially like the art lesson scenes. The inspirational art teacher who talks of space and critique, unintentionally denying the boys an establishment figure to rebel against is a wonderful touch, and the boys’ board spaces and the hierarchy of artists that feature on them (alcoholics, suicides…) work well, offering a playful nod to childhood insecurity and the need to impress.
 
The boys’ dialogue rings true – often a difficult thing to achieve – with notes of bravado and false confidence, thinly veiling their uncertainty when it comes to talking to girls, recounting these conversations to their friends and the usual awkward moments of adolescence.
 
On a point of style, do be careful not to overuse parentheses, such as ‘(hadn’t we?)’ on the first page and ‘(see what I mean?)’ at the beginning of chapter 3. Interjections can work well if used sparingly, but I think they can also interrupt the flow of a section, especially if the narrator is posing a question to the readers.
 
My one reservation is that after reading this extract, I don’t really have a sense of where the story is going. Clearly, the art show will go ahead, successfully or otherwise, and it’s undesirable to have too obvious a plot, but I do think that it lacks a sense of pace. Maybe you could work in a few allusions to future events, without giving too much away.
 
This is a light, entertaining story, and underneath the boys’ comical decision to hate their local town on principle, determined to follow a formula that they believe will help them to become true artists, is an exploration of finding out where it is that you belong, and trying to make your mark on the world. Well done, I hope you will continue working on it.

Feedback from Ellie, Random House
 
9.
Red Shadows (Revised)
by William McCormick Historical, Literary Fiction, Novel, Saga 05 Jun 2008
A failed revolution sets two brothers on a collision course.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Red Shadows

It was only when I began reading your opening chapters that I realised I'd read another piece of writing you'd done for youwriteon so it was very interesting to see some of the same themes crop up in this story, albeit in a very different setting!
 
I felt that you very quickly captured the personality of your narrator, Wiktor, subtly evoking the bitterness and resentment he often felt towards his brother, whilst also creating some very vivid images through your description of the village celebrations and life within Wiktor's household. The conclusion of chapter one in particular, was very well drawn – the discovery of the hanging 'corpse' felt genuinely chilling and beautifully dispelled the growing sense of contentment you'd developed between Wiktor and his brother.
 
There are a few issues you probably want to bear in mind when you're revising your work however; the narrative voice seemed too mature and sophisticated for an eleven-year-old which made it difficult for me to truly believe in the character. Also, although I do understand that Wiktor would resent his brother I wonder whether it's really fair to portray his treatment at the hands of his family as so unfair; surely even the eldest son would be excluded from a serious meeting, say,  if he were only eleven years old? I think it's important to bring out a sense of conflict within Wiktor so that readers understand that his resentment arises from jealousy of his brother rather more than the situation itself.
 
I'd also liked to have a little more context threaded through your story; many of your readers won't be familiar with Latvian history so you want to think about how you can explain why, for example Wiktor wouldn't speak the same language as the people who live around him. In historical fiction people will normally accept more 'explaining' than they would do in contemporary fiction but do try and think about how you can get across the history and politics through conversations between characters or minor details, as that will make for a more interesting read. I hope you enjoy your re-writing, and good luck!

Feedback from Alison, Random House
 
10.
The Stasi File
by Peter Bernhardt Novel, Thriller 19 May 2008
An American lawyer and his lover from Berlin student days, now a budding Italian opera diva, are drawn into an assassination plot by a Stasi General, desperate to prevent the collapse of the East German police state after the fall of the Berlin Wall.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Stasi File
 
This historic novel introduced me to a topic I was surprisingly unfamiliar with. The history of the Red Army Faction is an uncommon background to a story. Cleanly woven into the fall of the Berlin wall and the start of Germany’s new future, I found it rich and engaging, even in only the first few chapters of the story.
 
All three starting points, in East Germany, West Germany and in the US, offer the reader a huge amount of detail to start the plot off. I am often wary of such approach as too much detail up front can often lead to reader overload, or at the least a sense of the author handing everything on a plate. But in this case it walks the line between them very carefully.
 
There are two scenes that particularly drew my attention. The first, with Silvia in the Park, and the second with Rolf going to visit the senior partner.
 
Silva’s attack in the park comes completely out of the blue. I was just taking in the details of the previous paragraphs and starting to place where and when the story is set, when the assault by the RAF member started. While the section only lasts a few paragraphs I could feel my heart racing at the sudden change of pace. This is a good technique to engage the reader. This then set my interest at a higher level for the rest of the piece.
 
One suggestion here might be to lighten slightly the details before the attack. Not by much as it was all well written. It would just ensure that a browsing reader could be engaged slightly quicker.
 
The second scene was Rolfs. Here the first sentence changes the scene well, while skilfully keeping a semblance of pace from the Park scene. It also manages to quickly capture the essence of Rolf’s outlook. A view which is expanded upon as we are introduced to Mr Stein. The following exchange would be worthy of any great court room drama and quickly reveals the real Rolf.
 
The third scene with Dobnik, while less enjoyable for me than the first two, is equally well handled. It has a distinctly darker theme and highlights the different shades with which the author paints the scenes. Using this colouring to hint at three different worlds that would eventually collide as the story progresses.
 
I think this is a Stirling effort that I enjoyed reading. With a small amount of effort to engage the reader as soon as possible, this could be even better! Congratulations to the Author for getting to the Top Ten, a worthy achievement indeed!
 
 I hope you enjoy your re-writing, and good luck!


Feedback from Gary, Random House

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July 1st 2008 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten


1.
The Bowels of the Earth
by Veronica Di Grigoli Short Story, Literary Fiction, General Fiction 28 May 2008
 What does it feel like to be buried alive? My grandfather spent eight hours tunneling his way out of a collapsed coal mine with his bare hands. This is his story.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Bowels of the Earth

What a beautiful, touching story – congratulations on a well-deserved place among July’s Top Ten! Your easily accessible narrative, good pace and eloquent dialogue follow throughout the story and make The Bowels of the Earth a very pleasant read.

Your introduction gripped me immediately: A probably middle aged woman finds an old tobacco tin which reminds her of her childhood. This unfolds beautifully into her grandfather’s story: he escaped the "bowels of the earth", the collapse of a mine shaft, whilst all of his colleagues died during the tragic accident. The event shapes him for the rest of his life, both physically and emotionally.

There is a certain warmth and sweetness in the atmosphere when the little girl spends time with her granddad, evoked by the naivety of the child, eager to learn about her grandfather’s scars, and by the grandfather’s gentleness when telling his story.

You use very beautiful language for both granddaughter and grandfather which brilliantly reveals their characters. Furthermore, the child’s innocent questions and the granddad‘s metaphoric language are very touching and there are many parts to quote from which made me smile or I found moving:

"But this time he flung me under one arm as if I were a rolled-up newspaper…"

"I could not imagine Grandpa’s skin ever having had a smooth texture. It was how I imagined real dinosaurs' skin to have looked."

"It’s like switching off all your senses when you go under ground."

"Well, God puts us here on this earth and one day he decides to take us back again. It’s up to him when and how he takes us."

"In that 'orrible black water in the dark bowels of the earth, I felt as if I was already dead and my body was decomposing. There’s nothing in the world more beautiful than fresh flowers in the sunshine. It made me feel alive again."

The way grandfather and granddaughter engage with each other reflects a relationship full of warmth and gentleness. There seems to exist a deeper relationship between granddaughter and grandfather than between daughter and father. In fact, I found the way the father told his child about grandpa’s dramatic incident slightly unusual: He is less gentle when talking to his 8-year-old child and focuses on the facts of the accident rather than revealing any thoughts or feelings. Having said that, the contrast in language adds to tension and drama, which you start building up earlier: "And when, later on, I did learn how it ended, I wished I had never asked him about that scar in the first place." Moreover, you probably intended to reveal bits of the father-son-relationship? Granddad’s escape from death seems to have turned him into a rather thoughtful, reserved person. His emotional pain has been evident throughout the father’s childhood and they probably never talked about it.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story – maybe you want to write another one, this time focusing on grandma? Having read The Bowels of the Earth, I would certainly read it!
Congratulations on a beautiful, warm and moving story!

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
 
2.
The Second Siege
by William Burton McCormick Crime, Historical, Novel 12 Jun 2008
 A young immigrant in Edwardian London sacrifices family, faith and future to join a group of robbery-backed anarchists only to be viciously betrayed by one among them.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Second Siege

Your synopsis really raised my expectations and I was very pleased to see that your story lived up to this promise. Lev is a very likeable young narrator who should be able to bear the weight of your narrative admirably, and you evoked a strong sense of
London at this turbulent point in history that was very enjoyable to read. Historical fiction is an increasingly popular genre with readers and I think you’ve hit upon a very strong subject matter in the anarchists as it’s a part of British history that is less well known, and therefore all the more intriguing. 

You open with a lovely, grimy description that gives us a real sense of the atmosphere of early twentieth century
London and I hope you continue to create such a strong sense of place in the rest of your writing. As I said Lev is an interesting narrator, and I think you captured his struggle to help his family while finding his own path in life very ably. I would have liked to have had a few more details about the different communities and religions at work; I have to confess my ignorance I’m afraid as I wasn’t quite sure what the significance of Elephant being Latvian, rather than Russian was, and this may be something that foxes other readers too without a little more detail. Although you obviously don’t want to overload the narrative with too much explanation a few details here and there would really help to build a picture of the area that would linger in the mind of your readers, and I think it could really bring your story alive.

The only, very minor, issue I had with your characterisation of Lev was over whether he would risk trying to untie a bag in Elephant’s house that clearly didn’t contain the books he’d been allowed to look at; I wasn’t sure it was entirely plausible that he would really risk angering someone when just a moment before he’d wondered what Elephant might be capable of doing to him when they were alone on the marsh

I do think you could benefit from a little revision of the structure of your opening chapters – you open chapter two with a short scene where Lev returns to Elephant’s house and briefly meets two other men, and then suddenly we seem to have been transported some weeks into the future, after Elephant has committed a violent robbery. I think this sudden switch in time is a little confusing – when you opened your book you didn’t specify what date in January it was so we have no idea if the 24th January is a few days, or a few weeks on from those events which makes it difficult to picture how far down the anarchist path Lev might have gone by this stage. I presume you wanted your readers to feel a sense of disorientation and confusion, akin to the feelings Lev himself must be experiencing at this stage, but I wonder whether it might not be better to open the second chapter with Lev’s arrival at the factory as that very brief meeting at Elephant’s house just seems to confuse matters. 

This is a very promising start to your work, and I hope you continue to develop your writing. Good luck!

Feedback from Alison, Random House

 
3.
Songs from the Other Side of the Wall
by Tommi Gay/Lesbian Fiction, Literary Fiction 13 Jun 2008
 The death of Claire, the woman she loved from afar, forces 17 year-old Hungarian Sandrine, who has only ever thought about the future, to face the past: Claire's hers, and her country's.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Songs from the Other Side of the Wall

I want to start by saying how much I enjoyed reading your opening chapters; your voice is very fresh and original, and it was so refreshing to read something that already felt so confident and polished. The Eastern European setting – both the time and location – feels like an area currently underexplored in literature and the introduction of a more thriller-ish element in regards to Sandrine’s boyfriend and the death of Claire is bound to keep readers intrigued. I really hope you carry on with your writing as I felt this was a story with genuine promise. 

Sandrine is an engaging, intriguing narrator, slipping from self confidence to self doubt in seconds, and her narration felt very natural and convincing to me. You’d obviously really thought about how she would function as part of the world at large so that even her brief interactions, with the waiter in the bar, with the receptionist at the hostel, felt very plausible and I really liked how aware she was of the gulf between what people expected of her and what she really felt and looked like. I particularly liked her practicality in ‘arranging’ a boyfriend to hide her sexuality as it really gave us an insight into her pragmatic nature while also subtly underlining how difficult it can be, even at this point in history, to be gay. 

Your writing is extremely good, very lyrical but always with the aim of moving the story on rather than merely including descriptive language for the sake of it. You had some lovely, very evocative images that worked extremely well; I loved your description of Nicolai at the hostel, and how ‘every bit of him was getting smaller with age except his smile’. There is genuine warmth in that description that not only helps the reader to picture Nicolai but helps us to understand Sandrine further as well. The image of the ghosts jostling the people celebrating on the streets was particularly striking – and really captured for me the feeling of a country caught between the desire for change, and the tragedy of the past. 

The only slight false note I felt was in the description of Michael’s father with the red handkerchief in his pocket as that felt a little too stereotypically English to me. Michael’s story could do with a little more polishing I thought; the idea of a man communicating with his son via the internet was a very intriguing one, and tapped into all kinds of concerns about modern technology and the ways in which communication has changed, but I was surprised that Michael had made no attempt to contact Sylvie, especially when he realised she was pregnant with his child? But this is a vey minor query and something you may feel is integral to the story. 

One thing it would be good to bear in mind is that when your narrative leaps around in time as yours does, you do need to make it very clear to readers what is happening, when, so they don’t become confused about for example, when Sandrine played the gig, or when exactly Claire was killed. I know you take care to tell us the dates at the beginning of your story but do bear in mind that by including the blog you are almost creating three narratives – the past, present, and internet – and these need to be very distinct so that readers can concentrate on the story, and don’t need to be side tracked by working out which timeline we are in. 

I do feel your story holds a great deal of promise so I hope you continue to work on it – your language is wonderful and the only real queries I had were over the structure so I hope this has helped you in your next draft. Congratulations again, and good luck!


Feedback from Alison, Random House

 
4.
Deliverance (Version 3.0)
by Janice Tay Novel, Fantasy 30 May 2008
 Rored keeps disappearing Elsewhere, the place you go when you sleep, daydream or die. When the dead ask her to take their letters to the living, she reluctantly agrees. But it's the people lost Elsewhere who pose her biggest problem because they want a saviour to take them home: a task that may cost Rored her life.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Deliverance

Deliverance is an interesting piece showing some good imagination and direction for a story. I can already see from the submitted text that there great prospects for an engaging story.

The concepts of the story’s environment are also engaging with a good mix of ideas bordering on contemporary fantasy.

My first area of concern is the fluidity of the piece, which is weakened by a lack of economy of words. There are several chunks of text that simply don’t fit well together or could be excluded all together. For example the first sentence “
She could do it. If man could slip through the cracks in another’s soul and into the memories rustling inside, the least she could do was open a door with her mouth.” Could be omitted all together as it feels better just starting the story about a woman struggling with some boxes. This way you can surprise the reader later on with the depth of the setting in a more natural way.

Later in the scene I suggest omitting
‘Once the crystal goes, the girl will die.’ As it feels better to just leave it implied.

“Rored stiffened as she stepped back into the cold. Winter had snatched the year away before autumn was done with it and now, two weeks past the Spring Festival, still clung to it with the fingers of a sullen child. But Rored did not hurry as she walked down the stairs to her skiff. With the last of her deliveries dropped off, all that remained was for her to get into the vehicle and fly off.” –this is a great sentence. But is followed by this – “She did not move, her eye resting on the long curved lines of the skiff. She’d fallen asleep to the sounds of a storm the night before and had woken up to find that the rain had tear-scarred the grey metal. She should take the skiff home and sponge the streaks off but her hand stayed where it lay on the door.” – which I felt was the complete opposite and could be omitted or refocused.

I could go on, but hopefully the above illustrates how, by pruning some of the more superfluous words/sentences, the sentences that really are good get a chance to bloom.

The scene in weran’s house could also do with some re-reading. I struggled to see the characters as real. As a parent and picturing myself in that situation the actions of the parents seem detached, more like players reading a script than parents torn apart by grief and poverty. If you could inject some more emotional intensity into this scene it could be fantastic.

The scenes in Elsewhere are by far the best of the story, but even there the pace of the story seems to get a little confused in places. Still, it is good, and the concept of the masks is very well done.

Later, once Rored and Fae have returned I like the concept of belief being the power and how she uses that to remove her head wound. I also felt that the parents came across better as well.

Finally I would like to mention the scene with Rored’s parents. There seems to be lots of history and intrigue injected into the remain story in the piece, but it feels like too much, as if you have forced it in to show how deep the story will become. Again, pruning it down and saving some of the history for later would make it a more fluid and enjoyable read.

Well done for getting in the top ten, good luck with Deliverance and I hope my comments will be of some use to you.

Feedback from Gary, Random House

 
5.
The Hikikomori Case
by Shuji Nakamura Novel 25 May 2008
 What do you do when the world takes everything you care about?

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Hikikomori Case

Let me start by saying that I found this piece of work incredibly moving. You chose an incredibly interesting topic to write about, clearly put a lot of effort into researching it and the result is mesmerising. Hikikomori is a subject matter which many people wish to know more about, however there is not a large quantity of literature about this sociological phenomenon on the market. I believe that this fluidly written novel would be very well received. 
I loved the intensity of the writing, the strong imagery and the gripping plot. The image of “The Evergreen businessmen” all being found in their individual hotel rooms is shocking and brutal and makes me want to know more. 
You have picked up on very human traits which readers will be able to relate to. The protagonist comes across as very brave and honest when it comes to discussing his feelings and the effects of his condition. Raw emotion comes across which I found haunting, particularly his regret of not being able to show his father any emotion on the night he was to commit suicide. This may not be immediately applicable to many readers but regret is a universal theme. I also find interesting how people in the medical profession react to your character, dealing with his condition in such an inadequate fashion.
I would love to read the rest of the narrative, this is a very informative novel and I hope that it continues in the same gripping manner and maintains its intensity without straying far from being accessible.
 
Good luck!

Feedback from Marisa, Random House
 
6.
Symbolic Behaviour Emporium
by Cope - Walker Short Story, Comedy, Science Fiction 03 Jun 2008
Augustus Podd is a salesman of the near future who is less than successful. Until, that is, he discovers a wonderful new technology which threatens to turn his career around. Unfortunately, Podd is a man cursed with bad luck and soon discovers every silver lining has a black cloud.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Symbolic Behaviour Emporium

Firstly, congratulations on making it into the Top Ten. 

Short stories are notoriously difficult to write and tough to market, and it’s a truism that comedy is harder to master than tragedy, so you certainly set yourselves a challenge. I liked the anecdote regarding how the story came about; spellcheckers have their uses, but should never be relied on completely.

A good short story, however short, should convey an atmosphere and sense of place, and your story is brimming with detail. I had a clear picture of Augustus Podd’s desperate and depressing life as a downtrodden salesman, and winced along with him as he failed to sell his vacuum cleaners. That said, to use an old cliché, when writing comedy, less is often more. I had the feeling that bits of the story were planted one-liners and some of the characters, especially the Russian shot-putter, a little too stereotypical. Podd’s previous jobs will certainly bring a smile to the faces of many of your readers, but perhaps it’s best to take a more subtle approach and refrain from expanding on all of them. These paragraphs read a bit like a series of disconnected jokes; you could think about sticking to one or two and integrating them more into the story. By narrowing the focus, you would avoid the risk of over-playing the humour. The exploding sex dolls, rampant robots and NAL probe did make me smirk, but it was a bit of a barrage for one short story.

Again, quirky similes can lift a story, but should be used sparingly for maximum creative impact. On page one alone, we have ‘like the legs of some cross dressing spider’, ‘like the zoom lens on a camera’ and ‘like deep sea pearl divers’. You’ve used some interesting similes, so allow your readers some time to ruminate on them.

Overall, I think the premise is a good one. I like the idea of the DUPE 2000 and the GT 3000 and there’s scope to investigate the possibilities of these machines further. With a bit of tightening, selecting the humorous bits that work best and expanding on those, the story could work quite well. It won’t be for everyone, as some of the humour is a little risqué, but well done and good luck with your writing.

Feedback from Ellie, Random House

 
7.
This World and the Next
by JW Hicks Science Fiction 05 Mar 2008
 When you've sunk to the bottom of the heap, where next?

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on This World and the Next

You have produced a very futuristic, political piece of writing – congratulations on your successful entry!

You describe the class system very well by featuring a family with three children who live in ComColl. Pa becomes unemployed, hence, the family is moved to the disadvantaged part known as Pool. Even though it is certainly a sad and devastating situation the family finds themselves in when Pa loses his work, it is by far more dramatic in This World and the Next: The loss of work imminently results in the family being relocated to a worse part of the futuristic world, in other words they are pushed out of their familiar surroundings to Pool which seems to symbolise the bottom of the food chain. 

You greatly support drama and tension by bringing in Faith’s thoughts on the way to Pool: 

"Don‘t want to look ahead, don‘t want to see those towers grow, don’t wanna be sucked in…"

"Don’t want to look, don’t want to count. Once inside I’ll be a Pooler…"

The reader certainly fears the worst of this place and feels for the family on their way to Pool. It comes as a little relief when we learn that the family will probably escape any burglary, however, I feel that you should probably focus on something even more positive, for instance, a glimpse of hope to escape Pool altogether. To end the third chapter on a more positive note will probably appeal to a wider audience, especially to those who may not read science fiction stories regularly. 

I found the biblical names of the children, Saul, Zephaniah and Faith, very interesting; especially in this futuristic science fiction piece they are rather striking. In order to be able to put these names into context, you ought to focus a bit more on their individual roles: What characterizes the three children? What distinguished them? I’m sure their role becomes clearer if you extended on their behaviours, manners and thoughts. 

I especially warmed to Mae, even though she seemed to be quite cold and strict at first. When she helps Morris Cole, the readers get to know another side of her, the social, helpful side. Her different characteristics make her an interesting character – well done! 

The language you use perfectly reflects the type of your writing. Nevertheless, I found it hard to follow; especially at the beginning it takes a while to familiarise with the language. I wonder whether it helped the reader if they were an introduction and little descriptions in between the different dialogues in a more accessible language. 

A great attempt to a science fiction novel and well done for having achieved the Top Ten for two consecutive months!
I wish you all the best with it!

Feedback from Nicole, Random House
 
 

 
8.
Old Horses
by B. F. Thor Literary Fiction 05 Jun 2008
Meet Louis and his best friend Campbell Feathers; two teenage wildmen trapped, temporarily, in small town hell. Louis's idea of rebellion is adding apostrophes to road signs, whereas Campbell Feathers unselfconciously inhabits an adult world of drink, drugs and illicit sex with his Mother's friend Barbara (or so he claims).

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Old Horses



Old Horses, your coming of age story immediately engaged me with its strong eccentric yet extraordinarily realistic characters.  The less confident of the two childhood friends, is our narrator Louis who tells of his friendship with the enigmatic Campbell Feathers whilst they are at school together in the small town of
Gordonsfield .  Despite the fact that the plot is a familiar one, you do not lose your readers’ interest due to the attention to detail and your uncanny knowledge of the inner workings of the minds of sixteen year old boys and their need for shock value.

The writing is good, fast paced and full of humorous ironies. 
Campbell ’s relationship with his parents for instance.  It would be interesting to read more about it, perhaps additional information is discovered in the later chapters?  

I made an immediate effortless connection with the protagonist thanks to your magnificent portrayal of this exciting character from the very first chapter which left me open to experience all sorts of emotions throughout the novel.  These four chapters left me wishing I could devour the entire story and find out what happens to these young men. 

I wish you the best of luck!

Feedback from Marisa, Random House  

 
9.
The Shattered Mirror
by Nick Poole Historical, Novel, Fantasy 27 May 2008
"All Faith is false, all Faith is true: Truth is the shattered mirror strown In myriad bits; while each believes His little bit the whole to own." Sir Richard Francis Burton (1821 - 1890). Thomas Grimes returns to England.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Shattered Mirror

The shattered mirror is voyage into Surreality... Following the story of a deformed pirate, a fairy, an near-immortal witch, two characters of fictional legend and the mysterious Mr Bliss placed in a grim Victorian historic novel. 

Very bizarre and yet very readable!

Every character is well conceived and voiced. Thomas Grimes is one of the most interesting characters I have read about in a while. A monster of a man who wears his bitterness on his sleeve; tortured, lonely, yet strong and compelling. It reminded me of a dark, David Gemmell style hero in the making! Also, at one point he is referred to as Tommy Grimes, while also discussing the slave trade to the Americas, and this reminded me of writing “The Death of Tommy Grimes” (A most disturbing piece of writing about Tommy killing his first Negro) and wondered if you were infusing another past fictional character in to the story, or if it was coincidence.

Mr Ebenezer Bliss is also a fantastic and well visualised character. I noticed that the author is good at helping the reader picture the character in great detail, not in huge lumps of descriptive text, but subtle through out the narrative.

There are also some very string sections of dialog all the way through, especially between Mr Grimes and Mr Bliss, until the meeting with the Sibyl. The prophecy section, with the supposedly cryptic riddle, were a little uncomfortable for me. I think it was a little forced and did not flow with the same quality as the rest of the piece. When done well this can be a powerful tool (Tolkien was the grand master) but I don’t think it is the author’s strength. I would have preferred more of that great dialog like we see everywhere else in the piece.

My last comment is on the section with Sherlock Holmes. While Holmes and Watson were well voiced, I thought the way the legendary characters were introduced to the piece reminded me of a children’s novel, (the repeated use of 221b

Baker Street
for example) as if you were grandly announcing them, which was disappointing. Done with more subtlety, so that the reader slowly realises that it is THE Holmes, would be better in my opinion. You have to be careful when using such established characters for accuracy and placement in that characters timeline. (For example, you set the story in 1888, but I believe Watson was married the year before and left Sherlock’s company for a couple of years before his wife’s death – though I could be wrong)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Still, over all a very imaginative, bold and surreal story that I found very enjoyable to read. I wish the author luck in developing these characters, and Thomas Grimes adventures further.

Feedback from Gary, Random House 
 

 

 
10.
Two for the Crow
by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Mystery, Novel, Womens Fiction 22 May 2008
It's l961 and Theda Bara Falco is fourteen. Catholic school is out for the summer, and neighborhood life is simple for Theda and her friend, Nadine. Until the lazy summer day Nadine Lupinski goes missing.

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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Two for the Crow

I really enjoyed reading this extract. You capture the voice of your young narrator incredibly well; Theda comes across as lively and exuberant, and her energy as she’s racing around town ensures that the narrative pace doesn’t suffer as you set the scene in these opening pages.

Dialogue can prove difficult to execute convincingly, but you convey the varying ages and personalities of your characters well, with a nice contrast between the prim but kindly ladies on
Greenwald Blvd. and the girls’ mothers, one a feisty single mother, the other an industrious housewife. Equally, you successfully root your story, conjuring up the South, with Little Richard on the hi-fi and the sticky heat confining people to the shade of their verandas, enjoying a glass of lemonade. I also liked the prologue; it felt slightly filmic, following Mashpea, Theda’s cat, as he chases a mouse, offering a different perspective from the following chapters.

You’ve successfully avoided falling into cliché in this extract, but one thing I would be looking out for would be how you develop certain storylines, such as the mysterious bruises on Nadine’s back, Theda’s mother’s relationship with Father
Abruzzi , and his relationship with the altar boys he entertains at his cottage. Dubious priests and abusive male relations are tried-and-tested characters, and can be used to great effect, but do try to use them in an original way, making your story stand out from the crowd.

Congratulations on an intriguing story, there’s an uneasy, eerie sense of foreboding building as to exactly what has happened to Nadine and I’m confident that whatever the outcome, it makes for exciting reading.

Feedback from Ellie, Random House

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