1.	Bunny Rabbits, Elves & Flowers (Revised) by JohnnyVee Short Story, Horror 15 Aug 2008   Orphaned in a land of low-flying dragons and smelly fairies, eight-year-old Melissa Grimforall decides to make a stand. - !ADULT FANTASY HORROR! - More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book

2.

Overlord - The Rise of Zenobia (3) by JD Smith Historical 02 Aug 2008   6,800 words. Third century AD and the might of the Roman Empire begins to crumble through invasion. In the east of the empire, the forces of Persia press the frontier, and the king of the Syrian city, Palmyra, calls upon Emperor Valerian for aid. And thus, amidst the turmoil of the age, our story tells of Zenobia - the Warrior Queen. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book

3.

La Putain Anglaise by Lorraine Mace Short Story, Literary Fiction 16 Jun 2008  When Claudette is told her father wants to make peace after fifty years of silence, she has some hard choices to make. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On La Putain Anglaise This was a very moving tale, full of suppressed anger, passion and longing, and building to an understated but accomplished climax. Your characterisation is excellent – you brought both Claudette and her father alive in just a few pages – and I was pleased with how believable the reversal in the character’s fortunes felt, there was no sense that you had set out to create a ‘twist in the tale’ type story as can sometimes happen with newer writers.     Your writing style is very simple, with few descriptive passages but this meant those you did include – such as the description of her father as ‘a skeleton, loosely shrink-wrapped in skin’ – really stood out. It’s great to see a writer confident in their style, who doesn’t feel the need to embroider their language with unnecessary similes and metaphors.   If you were to go back and make any revisions I would suggest that you could look again at the first line the father speaks. ‘Your mother was no heroine, she was a putain’ is dramatic but it struck a slightly artificial note with me; would her father not at least make some kind of reference to how long it had been since they’d seen each other? It reads rather like the kind of line people say in films and I think it might work better if you were to preface it with something that refers to Claudette’s arrival in France. Other than that though, this is a very good piece of writing and I can see why it has been so popular with readers. Congratulations! Feedback from Alison, Random House

4.

Infidel Heart [version two] by Kit Habianic Short Story, Literary Fiction 11 Jul 2008  Infidel Heart - a short story. July 7 2005: when a terrorist attack brings London's transport system to a halt, a young Muslim questions her choices as she waits for news of her sister. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Infidel Heart Congratulations on reaching the Top Ten again, Kit! Bwci-bo was one of my first reads to review and I am very happy to see another of your stories has proved successful on YouWriteOn.com. Well done! You are very good at depicting certain social and political issues and certainly don’t disappoint with Infidel Heart. The impact of 7th July has been told many times, but very rarely from a Muslim woman’s point of view. Though your story is fictional, the reader can very well engage with Saff, the main character, and sympathises with her in her struggle between living a western life and living her religion. I would probably go into more detail here to make her struggle even sharper. The same applies to Saff fearing for her sister Noura’s life. If you expanded on Saff’s concerning thoughts, your story would turn into a more dramatic read, with the end being even more relieving. I also suggest dropping Noura’s postcard: I personally thought it did not contribute to the storyline and it turned out slightly peculiar when she returns home after the bomb attack. Saff walking through Noura’s home, going through her personal things, would evoke the same feelings and thoughts in Saff and contribute to the story more successfully as there would be more of a flow of your storyline. I very much liked the style you build your short story up with: Small scenes from past and present give the reader a very good picture of the situation Saff finds herself in. Furthermore, I feel it suits the theme and beautifully reflects the chaos of that day in the narrative. Apart from the few details mentioned above, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. It lives from strong characters, pace in style and strong dialogue. I am looking forward to reading another story of yours which no doubt will impress readers on YouWriteOn.com again! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

5.

Mrs Outhwaite by Wendy Newdy Crime, Novel, Womens Fiction, General Fiction 17 Jul 2008  A year after her son's apparent suicide, Mae Martindale becomes obsessed with Mrs Outhwaite while both are on a community punishment programme. But just as her obsession grows, so does their unlikely friendship and Mrs Outhwaite becomes not just her ally but her salvation. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Mrs Outhwaite Congratulations on achieving the Top Ten with Mrs Outhwaite! You very well depict a mum’s problems and social decline whilst coping with the loss of her son. Your narrative is fluent and the language you use brilliantly reflects Mae’s character. She is frustrated, depressed, hateful, and very hostile against any other person. She is easily angered and cannot control her feelings and thoughts: "But even as I am saying it I am wishing I wasn’t.“ Mae seems to be in a constant battle of trying to become a better person, however, keeps failing until the very end. Furthermore, she doesn’t seem to want to change her behaviour as any change would mean to forget about her son, in a wider sense. You reveal this very well when Mae notices that Ross had put away the family pictures with their son. Whilst on the surface Mae does not present a typical mum-type character, her thoughts of Daniel show a certain warmth in her. Mae’s relationship to her son was special, even Ross, Daniel’s father, admits this. Nonetheless, it is quite obvious that Daniel’s suicide could very well have been the result of a disdraught family: His parents were divorced, Ross apparently failed to be a good father, Mae drinks and swears. You bring the elements of an unsuccessful family life beautifully together; the reader easily engages with the difficult, and quite uncomfortable, situation. Whilst your style and voice work in your favour to create a certain uneasiness amongst readers (it reminded me a bit of Notes of a Scandal), I wonder if your story benefited from little intersections which do not include a great amount of Mae's destructive attitudes and thoughts. Your story could turn out to be slightly too draining for readers if they were to read your completed work. Furthermore, I expected Mrs Outhwaite to have a more impacting role given that you named your story after her. She influences Mae’s behaviour and opinion, however, not strong enough to be put into the centre of the story by the title. You may have further plans for Mrs Outhwaite when developing your story, but at the moment she is not a character succinct enough. To conclude, you built up a very pacy story which lives from a strong character who keeps the readers engaged: They may dislike Mae due to her hostile attitude, whilst at the same time sympathizing for her as she is having a difficult time in copying with the loss of Daniel. I consider this is as one of your main strenghts – well done! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

6.

Flashback by E. Christopherson Comedy, Literary Fiction, Novel 12 Aug 2008 Gordo goes on a long, strange trip ... More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Flashback This has great potential, an energetic and lively opening which plays around successfully with a mix of styles, tones and genres, and is, above all, laugh-out-loud funny. By plunging us straight into Gordo’s confused world, we are left as baffled as he is about what’s going on, and keen to read on: is his persistent use of outdated slang (groovy, doobie, square) a sign he is merely a pathetic throwback to the sixties, a hanger-on who’s refused to grow up, or are there more complicated reasons to explain it? You maintain the light and frivolous tone really well, thanks to the voice of Gordo, and the obvious mistakes he makes in analysing and understanding the twenty-first century society he suddenly finds around him. This allows the opening chapters to light-heartedly satirise not only the twenty-first century, but Gordo’s child-of-the-sixties mentality too. You also use and satirise narrative styles well, from the ‘back to the future’ genre to action novels, for example the scene where Gordo’s attempted escape turns into farce as his newly acquired, sixty-something body refuses to keep up.   The style of the narrative is fast-paced, funny and engaging, however, reviewing only the first three chapters, my reservations lie in how well it will develop as a novel. Although told in the first person, the pace of the action and lack of reflection means Gordo remains a bit of a stereotype, a sort of Austin Powers type figure, a bit dim and vain: although he’s entertaining, I’m not sure I fancy accompanying him all the way through a novel. From this excerpt, I think that you could do one of two things to make the reader more eager to carry on with it. You could pad out Gordo’s character, make him more human, perhaps by focusing further on his internal reactions and developing what could be quite moving episodes, like when he looks at his hands or reflection in the mirror and realises how much he’s aged. You could also try bringing in other narrative voices to give a different and fuller perspective on the situation. However, I can see that this would change the tone a lot, making it a more serious and complicated satire than you intended. So it seems to me that a good alternative would be perhaps to keep Flashback as a short story. The opening doesn’t quite seem weighty enough yet to support a long narrative, but by fine-tuning and significantly condensing the plot, I think it could work really well.   However you decide to develop this, I think it has a lot of potential and I really enjoyed reading it- good luck! Feedback from Phillipa Lewis, Random House

7.

The Kingfisher (rev) by Andrew Wrigley Short Story, Literary Fiction, Thriller 01 Aug 2008 Revised. A short story of dog eat dog, fishing in the rain and the ultimate catch with the very last cast. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Kingfisher Well done, this short story immerses its readers in the narrative from the first page. Violence is reported through the gritted teeth of our narrator - a convincing character - and the atmosphere is gritty, controlled, realistic. This makes lines such as 'I wanted to kick its head off' when talking about Frank's dogs all the more punchy. The idea of the spaniels being used as target practice for the young pit bulls is chilling. The Northern Irish dialogue sits well, and it's great that you haven't overplayed the expletives.   I was pleased that the narrator has some depth to him, and surprised myself as I warmed to him. His description of his passion for dog fighting has a lyrical intensity, and when he wishes he could be left in peace to dog fight (that most cruel of sports) there's a certain vulnerability to it.   The description of the gravel pit is great - 'the swollen grey water and the ceaseless rain' emphasise the dreariness of the place, throwing the ensuing violence into stark relief.   I was genuinely surprised when Frank had his revenge at the end, although I would suggest cutting the last line. I don't think you need it, and it was the one place where I felt that the drama was a little overblown. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

8.

Two for the Crow by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Mystery, Womens Fiction 22 May 2008 It's l961 and Catholic school is out for the summer. Neighborhood life is simple for fourteen-year-old Theda Bara Falco and her friend, Nadine. That is, until the lazy summer morning Nadine Lupinski goes missing. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Two for the Crow Congratulations on the beginnings of what could prove to be a very intriguing mystery story! The thirty pages I read were crammed full of character and incident and certainly made for a page turning read. I loved how you subtly introduced the principal suspects – Theda’s mother’s boyfriend, Nadine’s difficult father, and intimidating brother – before the reader even realises that a crime has been committed.   I did think it might be worth thinking about focusing your attention on creating more of a sense of atmosphere; because the action skipped along so rapidly you never really took the time to establish a strong sense of place, which is very important in period stories in particular. There were certain scenes – the swimming pool for example – where your characters arrived and then seemed to leave straight away and I’d have really liked to have seen you take the time to describe the pool in a bit more depth. Why not show us Theda and Nadine’s conversations with the other swimmers? This would also give us more of a sense of their characters so that you didn’t have to rely on Theda telling us how Nadine always followed her around, but could show it instead, through their conversations.   Occasionally your chronology could become a little confused so it took some thinking to work out when it was say, that Theda received the letter inviting her to tea with Miss McKenzie and Ms Prude in relation to when your story opened. Do try and make a more obvious separation before different periods so we know when you’ve taken a step back – to describe Nadine’s birthday dinner for example – and when we’re back in the present as it really helps the flow of your writing.   This was a very promising start and I do hope you to continue to develop your novel and that these suggestions have been helpful.   Good luck! Feedback from Alison, Random House

9.

SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW by Angela Jaques Novel, Womens Fiction 23 Jul 2008 In 1988, Deirdra takes her own life. Twenty years on, Eve falls victim to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Will history repeat itself? More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Something You Should Know Congratulations; this has a brooding romance, suspense and a great sense of place: Vellon brought to mind Du Maurier's infamous Manderley. The structure is well balanced, following the narratives of three women: Deirdra, who drowns herself in 1988, because husband Eddie has 'gone to far' and had an affair with Selena (of Foyle, the manor house across the cove); Eve, the current inhabitant of Vellon; and Martha, the young girl now living at Foyle, who clearly has eyes for Eve's husband, Patrick.   The opening is strong, with Deirdra preparing for suicide. Her final reflections on the events that have driven her to this point work well as a natural way of providing the reader with the back story. We know we are in for a good read when Deirdra puts a scrap of paper under her husband's pillow declaring 'I watched you'.   I like that Martha's story is told through diary entries, and you've captured the voice of a young girl well - the change of tone helps to differentiate between narratives. The three strands complement each other, and we can see aspects of the story from different perspectives, which fleshes out the characters. For example, we see Patrick through Eve's eyes - as a young, naive boy, who she mothers slightly, and then from Martha's point of view, who sees him as an attractive, seductive man. As readers, we can see exactly why Patrick might flirt with an easily-impressed teenager as he feels inadequate in front of his wife.   I do think Eve's relationship with Patrick needs a bit of tightening, though: I wasn't completely convinced by them as a couple, which can jar the narrative. It's great that Eve's a complex character - plagued by a rational sense of doubt over Patrick's age and (lack of) maturity, but hoping for a child, aware time is slipping away from her - but as a passionate artist, albeit one who is emotionally cool towards marriage and its trappings, I think her passion for him needs to be a bit clearer.   Equally, Eve is the consummate artist, and a strong female character, but at times I think you need to tone down the characterisation a bit. For example, her 'bravely' declaring the Foyle cottage pie to be 'delicious', whilst secretly craving a salad and the dead fly in the wedding day champagne are veering towards pastiche.   Overall, a good read - Patrick's parents are deliciously awful, and you make good use of the Cornish setting. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

10.

Away from the Sun by Carl Plummer Crime, Novel, Thriller 11 Aug 2008 The third Mulberry/Calvert story. What begins as a simple murder becomes an intricate web in which Calvert is already entangled: Environmental Terrorism. Mulberry finds that some people will go to any lengths to have a child to love. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Away from the Sun This is a really well written and expertly structured opening which plunges the reader straight into the action and immediately gets them hooked: I was genuinely disappointed not to be able to carry on reading when I got to the end of the excerpt! Your project is ambitious but you manage to move convincingly between a wide range of voices, leaving the reader wondering how this web of dramatically different characters could possibly relate to one other. The careful positioning and juxtaposing of the scenes works brilliantly and I particularly like how the motif of water threads all the separate episodes together, from the opening section where Townshend and Story are lost at sea, or where Vanessa cycles home in the rain, through to her death, apparently by drowning. This is a really inspired idea, with the water symbol becoming gradually more significant as it’s revealed the crime may in fact be environmentally motivated. This all works to give a modern edge to what in some ways (with the slightly cynical, blasé detectives, for example, and the handful of frustrated housewives) could be seen as a potentially unoriginal set-up. Both the causes of the crime -environmental terrorism- and the way the crime is described are refreshingly new. The only word of warning I might give at this point is that occasionally the water motif is slightly over-laboured: although it is an effective way to link the sections, it doesn’t need to be emphasised too much. Your writing style is also very engaging: scenes are described with a detail and precision that gives them an almost filmic quality, and I can really visualise what’s going on. You handle all the techniques of the mystery genre well, evoking just the right balance between the cosy and the creepy (for example, where the sinister nature of Vanessa’s attack overshadows the following, snug marital scene between Stephen Haddock and his wife). You are very good at creating suspense, and subtle humour, but where you could perhaps do some work on your writing style is in describing action: I feel that when you describe Vanessa falling off her bicycle, or the shoot-out in Paris, your style becomes a bit slow and stilted, and needs to be punchier. Another concern is that with so many characters and sub-plots you might run the risk of overcomplicating the storyline and confusing the reader, so be wary of that. However these are only very minor quibbles about what is a really accomplished and exciting project. I think your strengths lie in your description, and the way you build up and layer contrasting atmospheres, so make the most of that. I look forward to reading a lot more of your work in the future- well done! Feedback from Phillipa, Random House

1.

Connie's Convertible (Revision 3) by Jim Coffey Novel, General Fiction 09 Jul 2008  Tom visits Connie, ex girlfriend and love of his life. The visit, and an unwelcome phone call from his estranged dying father, causes Tom to reflect on how he got into this desperate state, and then, just what he's going to do about it. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Connie's Convertible What a nice, funny and light-hearted story! Well done for achieving the Top Ten with your entry which I very much enjoyed with a smile on my face throughout!   The language you use is entertaining and engaging and by putting questions forward to the readers you brilliantly involve them into your story: "What to do?" "What do you need to know about her?" "How the hell had it come to this? I will try to explain."   Splitting the parts into smaller sections also helps the reader to follow your story easily and you are certainly not short of comic elements:   "Armed only with my thirty-nine year old legs and a slightly younger push-bike"   "Home was a nondescript town house carved up for the benefit of someone rich enough to own it but too rich to have to live there."   "…Legs you can't help but naturally want to put into all kinds of unnatural positions…"   "For a moment I thought I'd drowned and gone to heaven, as I happened to notice my rescuers were three naked, young and shapely ladies."   Comic elements like these follow the story throughout and make Connie's Convertible a very pleasant, entertaining read. Furthermore, the reader easily warms to the main character Tom, who often funny, sometimes a bit sentimental (when he talks about home), is very likeable.   I've got two suggestions you may want to consider:   You do not disclose lots of information on Tom's relationship with his ex-wife Evelyn and his daughter Mickey. Whilst your main focus in the first pages is on Tom's relationship with Connie, I think it would help the reader to get a better picture of the main character if you told a bit more about his life before he met Connie: Why did they split up? What kind of relationship does Tom now have with Evelyn and Mickey? A friendly relationship? A distant, cold relationship?   I was quite surprised that Tom decided to visit his ex-girlfriend when he discovered that he could not get into his flat, especially since they had broken up not long time ago. This reaction seemed to be rather unnatural. I would describe his motives to visit Connie in further detail. Surely, he didn't seek shelter only, but longed to see Connie.   Overall, a very enjoyable story you can be proud of!" Feedback from Nicole, Random House

2.

A Cross by the Road (Revised) by Dan Schuler Short Story, General Fiction 22 Jun 2008  A woman reflects on her past and her prospects for the future on the anniversary of the tragic accident that changed her life. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road Congratulations on a successful entry to the Top Ten! I thoroughly enjoyed your short story which lives from its pace, the convincing voice of the main character and the beautiful language you use.   You are very succinct in your descriptions, very focused on the main theme of your story: A man reflects on the accident in which he was involved and in which his sister Hannah Lynn died. You build your story up nicely: The brother's visit of the cross by the road, the sad memories of the accident, the warm memories of his conversation with Hannah Lynn before the accident, his parents' reaction to the loss of their daughter and the disclosure of the brother's actual involvement in the accident smoothly intertwine with each other. This allows for fluency and pace and makes your story a pleasure to read.   Furthermore, the main character's thoughts and feelings are utterly convincing and are very well conveyed by the language you use:   "To me, this is hallowed ground, the place where my younger sibling spent her final moments on this earth."   "I am still here, forced to live on, to remember that day for the rest of my life. I pray that Hannah has found peace, even as I am aware that I never will."   "and I find myself wishing that I too could be spirited away so easily, lifted out of this nightmare where everything has gone so terribly wrong."   These paragraphs especially reflect the brother's feelings and engage the readers with him: They feel the pain about the tragic loss of his sister and easily warm to the main character.   The second and third quote I mention above also give a glimpse of the brother's actual involvement in the accident, but it is not until the very end when the main character discloses that he was drunk behind the wheel when the horrific incident happened. The end is rather surprising, a turning point you keep for the end of your story, and I personally think you do very well in leaving this part for the end: It makes your story interesting and leaves the reader thinking beyond the end of the story. Well done!   Moreover, I thought you cleverly reflected on a little scene between brother and sister when they talk very personally of Hannah Lynn's affection for Kyle. There is a certain warmth and sweetness in the siblings' communication with each other which make Hannah Lynn's death even sadder and more revolting.   In my opinion you have written a very successful short story and truly deserve to be among the Top Ten! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

3.

HANDSTANDS IN THE SHALLOW END (REVISED) by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Womens Fiction 13 Jun 2008   It’s l968 when Luanne Kilpi is pulled from the Saginaw River and ends up in the loony bin. Her story illuminates the hopes and hazards of psychiatry, the thin line between heartache and insanity, an unflinching look at life inside the asylum that looms large in a small northern town. Women’s fiction. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road “Handstands in the Shallow End” covers an interesting topic, that of a sane woman who has experienced a serious loss and has been placed in a psychiatric hospital.  The narrative is well-written and very descriptive and the prologue immediately captured my attention. The detailed description is good but potentially having so much detracts slightly from the plot which seems confusing due to the fragmentation of the text which jumps in time quite often.  Your dialogue is very realistic and the events that occur do not seem implausible. You have focused on several characters which is great but I still have not got a real feel for the protagonist Luanne, without an emotional connection to her, the reader will not feel sympathy towards her situation which is certainly a horrific one and should be very heart-rending.  I believe there to be a need for more detailed portrayal of Luanne as a person as well as of her surroundings.   The brutal cruelty of the hospital staff, particularly of “The Lobster” is intense without being far-fetched which is a difficult accomplishment.  You have some interesting themes and a good mix of characters.  Luanne would benefit from character development and once this has come together you should have an emotional read. Feedback from Marisa, Random House

4.

Awake (slight revision) by Danny Gillan Short Story, Comedy, General Fiction 02 Jul 2008  Short Story. I've made a few changes to this but nothing major, so if you've had it before feel free to pass. It's a gently comic look at a typical working class funeral. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Group Feedback on Awake  What a lovely short story you have written, Danny! I enjoyed reading your light-heartedly humorous submission which picks upon scenes at a family funeral. Your beginning is very strong, with comic elements opening up the story: “It seems that death is not the end. After that, there’s lunch.” “There are also cakes - Mr Kipling has paid” The first-person narration works very well; your main character observes various scenes at the funeral, adding personal thoughts and feelings to his observations. The reader warms to him quite easily and is able to follow the story easily. For a short story, I personally thought that you introduced the various characters carefully, without confusing too much. They are perfectly depicted and one senses a certain warmth in the father-son-relationship. The “touching of shoulders” is a beautifully crafted, recurring element. I would probably introduce it even earlier, to give it more power and to have a stronger story line pointing towards the end.  I thought Kelly’s appearance as a policewoman was slightly peculiar and disturbing. Having read the end, it falls into place, but I suggest reworking this part. You could probably take it out and replace it by another scene. Here is just a suggestion - I am sure you’ll find your own creative solution! - Tonto could die of a heart attack, shortly before hitting Sean. In your end scene, you could still reveal Mary as a person with good instinct, and the narrator admiring his wife for her senses. Tonto dying rather than being arrested would accomplish your setting and overall theme more effectively as well.  Your ending is sweet and warm, and wonderfully closes the story. Congratulations to a well deserved place among the Top Ten! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

5.

Frame-Up by E. Christopherson Crime, Mystery, Thriller 29 Apr 2008   New York magazine journalist Will Pruett attempts to frame himself for a murder he had nothing to do with as a way to put the death penalty itself on trial—to demonstrate how a simple coincidence or two can cost an innocent man his neck. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Frame-Up You have a really intriguing, original idea for a novel and I hope you to continue to develop it, as it has such potential. Your writing is generally lively and entertaining although I'd recommend you read as widely as possible in the thriller genre, if you have not done so already, to see how other authors tackle issues such as characterisation as I felt this could be a little simplistic, particularly with Zeeva, and would be worth some closer attention. Try and be as creative as possible in the details you do give; it was much more interesting, for example, to read that Will opened the window in his cab due to claustrophobia as it both tells us something about Will as a person and also hints at forthcoming difficulties (after all, how will a claustrophobic cope in a confined cell?) than it was to read that Zeeva wore Chanel No. 5. There is a lovely trace of humour in your writing, which is bound to keep a reader entertained and by the time I'd finished your four chapters I was completely absorbed in Will's story and whether he'd risk his life for the sake of fame and fortune. Even in just those few sample pages you established Will and Sam as likeable characters and although the story is slightly skewed towards Will at the beginning, which is fairly inevitable, I imagine you will ensure that the balance is more even as the story progresses. I was eager to see how the two would interact when they did meet – would Sam uncover the plot? – which is a really positive sign as, so often, it can take too long to see how characters will eventually meet, by which point the reader has lost interest. On a plausibility note, I was a little surprised that he didn't ask to meet the lawyer involved in the case first; I'm not sure if this will turn out to be relevant later in the story but I felt it was unlikely that a journalist wouldn't check out every angle of a case before they signed up, especially one that was so risky. After all, what proof did he have that Zeeva had even spoken to the lawyer? But as, I say, this could have been engineered for a plot reason although, if that is the case, it's probably best to show Zeeva overriding Will's concerns rather than Will never expressing any. This was a very enjoyable read and I really think you have a good idea that I hope you will to continue to develop. Congratulations and good luck! Feedback from Alison, Random House

6.

La Putain Anglaise (formerly Chickenfeed) by Lorraine Mace Short Story, Literary Fiction 16 Jun 2008 When Claudette is told her father wants to make peace after fifty years of silence, she has some hard choices to make. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book    Random House Readers' Group Feedback on La Putain Anglaise         Your short story is an impressive piece of writing; you build up the tension carefully, surprising the reader with various twists along the way.  The narrative is strong and has a good pace and your flashbacks flow extremely well without you losing sight of the plot.   The use of the French language fortifies this text about human nature, betrayal, vengeance and honour.  You do not idealise your characters, giving them all the humanity that is necessary to make your story credible.  “La Putain Anglaise” is an emotional story with good use of description without overdoing it.  I might suggest rephrasing a few sentences but apart from that the language is good and you certainly know how to affect your reader emotionally. “La Putain Anglaise” is a memorable story which leaves you assessing what is right and what is wrong, especially in such a turbulent period as wartime where this becomes more difficult to judge.  I congratulate you on a shocking and satisfying ending; your last few lines are particularly fantastic.  Well done! Feedback from Marisa, Random House

7.

Infidel Heart [version two] by Kit Habianic Short Story, Literary Fiction 11 Jul 2008 Infidel Heart - a short story. July 7 2005: as a terrorist attack brings London's transport system to a halt, a young Muslim questions her choices as she waits for news of her sister. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Infidel Heart Well done – this is a strong, intense piece of writing, dealing with the difficult subject of terrorism and the effect it has on the lives of Muslims in the community. You convey the confusion and guilt that Saff feels incredibly well, whilst avoiding the pitfalls of stereotyping. The lines ‘I understand the logic behind this misdirected rage of the innocent. And that’s what sickens me the most’ encapsulate the complex feelings such an event must elicit.   Saff’s relationship with Sam is nicely handled – as she slaps him for mentioning that she isn’t circumcised readers are reminded that this is simply a sexual encounter between two young, naïve teenagers: their respective religions – for Saff at least – seemingly irrelevant during this moment of physicality. She seems relieved, if not somewhat surprised, that she is not struck down and the world destroyed; a touching moment that reinforces the sense that she is struggling with complex emotions that she can’t quite grasp.   Saff’s feelings that she has sinned against God and deserves to be stoned are pretty stark, but show how an event as momentous as the presumed loss of a sister can bring about intense emotion. I thought that the paragraph where she internally thanks Sam for ‘handing her the bullets’ was perhaps unnecessary. Saff’s calm, steely response, provoking Sam about land-grabbing in Israel makes it obvious that she is trying to cut herself off and works to greater effect standing alone, especially in such a highly charged piece.   Putting the London bombing into a larger context of atrocities carried out in the name of religion works well, and I was pleased to see that you didn’t lay this on too heavily – mentioning Szrebrenica, Bentalha, Fullujah by name is enough. I also liked the section on Saff’s childhood in Algeria. Even in a short piece, it’s good to flesh out your characters, and the incident where Noura is shot at by her father is great. Noura’s quiet apology and her father’s stunned impotence are well rendered, and this anecdote also makes Noura’s running away more credible.   To pick out one phrase, I especially liked the simile of the London bus ‘spilt open like a pomegranate’ – it vividly conveys the violence of the event, without the need for a graphic description. I would suggest cutting the sentences ‘Scalps on the streets. Blood on the walls’ as I think it’s strong enough on its own.   I didn’t think the ending was quite as strong as it could have been. I think it is clear that Saff has made up her mind, and although she is young, I think the statement that Noura will rise a stronger person and the line ‘I will keep my promise’ are a little absolute for a short story. I would be inclined to end on the three of them walking back to the aunt’s house, leaving the readers to contemplate their futures.   Congratulations on a brave piece of writing and I hope you will continue. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

8.

Old Horses by B. F. Thor Literary Fiction, Novel 05 Jun 2008 Meet Louis and his best friend Campbell Feathers; two teenage wildmen trapped, temporarily, in small town hell. Louis's idea of rebellion is adding apostrophes to road signs, whereas Campbell Feathers unselfconciously inhabits an adult world of drink, drugs and illicit sex with his Mother's friend Barbara (or so he claims). More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Old Horses   Congratulations on a well-written story. Campbell Feathers is an interesting character, with a great name.   I especially like the art lesson scenes. The inspirational art teacher who talks of space and critique, unintentionally denying the boys an establishment figure to rebel against is a wonderful touch, and the boys’ board spaces and the hierarchy of artists that feature on them (alcoholics, suicides…) work well, offering a playful nod to childhood insecurity and the need to impress.   The boys’ dialogue rings true – often a difficult thing to achieve – with notes of bravado and false confidence, thinly veiling their uncertainty when it comes to talking to girls, recounting these conversations to their friends and the usual awkward moments of adolescence.   On a point of style, do be careful not to overuse parentheses, such as ‘(hadn’t we?)’ on the first page and ‘(see what I mean?)’ at the beginning of chapter 3. Interjections can work well if used sparingly, but I think they can also interrupt the flow of a section, especially if the narrator is posing a question to the readers.   My one reservation is that after reading this extract, I don’t really have a sense of where the story is going. Clearly, the art show will go ahead, successfully or otherwise, and it’s undesirable to have too obvious a plot, but I do think that it lacks a sense of pace. Maybe you could work in a few allusions to future events, without giving too much away.   This is a light, entertaining story, and underneath the boys’ comical decision to hate their local town on principle, determined to follow a formula that they believe will help them to become true artists, is an exploration of finding out where it is that you belong, and trying to make your mark on the world. Well done, I hope you will continue working on it. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

9.

Red Shadows (Revised) by William McCormick Historical, Literary Fiction, Novel, Saga 05 Jun 2008 A failed revolution sets two brothers on a collision course. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Red Shadows It was only when I began reading your opening chapters that I realised I'd read another piece of writing you'd done for youwriteon so it was very interesting to see some of the same themes crop up in this story, albeit in a very different setting!   I felt that you very quickly captured the personality of your narrator, Wiktor, subtly evoking the bitterness and resentment he often felt towards his brother, whilst also creating some very vivid images through your description of the village celebrations and life within Wiktor's household. The conclusion of chapter one in particular, was very well drawn – the discovery of the hanging 'corpse' felt genuinely chilling and beautifully dispelled the growing sense of contentment you'd developed between Wiktor and his brother.   There are a few issues you probably want to bear in mind when you're revising your work however; the narrative voice seemed too mature and sophisticated for an eleven-year-old which made it difficult for me to truly believe in the character. Also, although I do understand that Wiktor would resent his brother I wonder whether it's really fair to portray his treatment at the hands of his family as so unfair; surely even the eldest son would be excluded from a serious meeting, say,  if he were only eleven years old? I think it's important to bring out a sense of conflict within Wiktor so that readers understand that his resentment arises from jealousy of his brother rather more than the situation itself.   I'd also liked to have a little more context threaded through your story; many of your readers won't be familiar with Latvian history so you want to think about how you can explain why, for example Wiktor wouldn't speak the same language as the people who live around him. In historical fiction people will normally accept more 'explaining' than they would do in contemporary fiction but do try and think about how you can get across the history and politics through conversations between characters or minor details, as that will make for a more interesting read. I hope you enjoy your re-writing, and good luck! Feedback from Alison, Random House

10.

The Stasi File by Peter Bernhardt Novel, Thriller 19 May 2008 An American lawyer and his lover from Berlin student days, now a budding Italian opera diva, are drawn into an assassination plot by a Stasi General, desperate to prevent the collapse of the East German police state after the fall of the Berlin Wall. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Feedback for this story will be added once received from Random House

Click here to view previous months reviews

1.

The Bowels of the Earth by Veronica Di Grigoli Short Story, Literary Fiction, General Fiction 28 May 2008  What does it feel like to be buried alive? My grandfather spent eight hours tunneling his way out of a collapsed coal mine with his bare hands. This is his story. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Bowels of the Earth What a beautiful, touching story – congratulations on a well-deserved place among July’s Top Ten! Your easily accessible narrative, good pace and eloquent dialogue follow throughout the story and make The Bowels of the Earth a very pleasant read. Your introduction gripped me immediately: A probably middle aged woman finds an old tobacco tin which reminds her of her childhood. This unfolds beautifully into her grandfather’s story: he escaped the "bowels of the earth", the collapse of a mine shaft, whilst all of his colleagues died during the tragic accident. The event shapes him for the rest of his life, both physically and emotionally. There is a certain warmth and sweetness in the atmosphere when the little girl spends time with her granddad, evoked by the naivety of the child, eager to learn about her grandfather’s scars, and by the grandfather’s gentleness when telling his story. You use very beautiful language for both granddaughter and grandfather which brilliantly reveals their characters. Furthermore, the child’s innocent questions and the granddad‘s metaphoric language are very touching and there are many parts to quote from which made me smile or I found moving: "But this time he flung me under one arm as if I were a rolled-up newspaper…" "I could not imagine Grandpa’s skin ever having had a smooth texture. It was how I imagined real dinosaurs' skin to have looked." "It’s like switching off all your senses when you go under ground." "Well, God puts us here on this earth and one day he decides to take us back again. It’s up to him when and how he takes us." "In that 'orrible black water in the dark bowels of the earth, I felt as if I was already dead and my body was decomposing. There’s nothing in the world more beautiful than fresh flowers in the sunshine. It made me feel alive again." The way grandfather and granddaughter engage with each other reflects a relationship full of warmth and gentleness. There seems to exist a deeper relationship between granddaughter and grandfather than between daughter and father. In fact, I found the way the father told his child about grandpa’s dramatic incident slightly unusual: He is less gentle when talking to his 8-year-old child and focuses on the facts of the accident rather than revealing any thoughts or feelings. Having said that, the contrast in language adds to tension and drama, which you start building up earlier: "And when, later on, I did learn how it ended, I wished I had never asked him about that scar in the first place." Moreover, you probably intended to reveal bits of the father-son-relationship? Granddad’s escape from death seems to have turned him into a rather thoughtful, reserved person. His emotional pain has been evident throughout the father’s childhood and they probably never talked about it. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story – maybe you want to write another one, this time focusing on grandma? Having read The Bowels of the Earth, I would certainly read it! Congratulations on a beautiful, warm and moving story! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

2.

The Second Siege by William Burton McCormick Crime, Historical, Novel 12 Jun 2008  A young immigrant in Edwardian London sacrifices family, faith and future to join a group of robbery-backed anarchists only to be viciously betrayed by one among them. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Second Siege Your synopsis really raised my expectations and I was very pleased to see that your story lived up to this promise. Lev is a very likeable young narrator who should be able to bear the weight of your narrative admirably, and you evoked a strong sense of London at this turbulent point in history that was very enjoyable to read. Historical fiction is an increasingly popular genre with readers and I think you’ve hit upon a very strong subject matter in the anarchists as it’s a part of British history that is less well known, and therefore all the more intriguing.  You open with a lovely, grimy description that gives us a real sense of the atmosphere of early twentieth century London and I hope you continue to create such a strong sense of place in the rest of your writing. As I said Lev is an interesting narrator, and I think you captured his struggle to help his family while finding his own path in life very ably. I would have liked to have had a few more details about the different communities and religions at work; I have to confess my ignorance I’m afraid as I wasn’t quite sure what the significance of Elephant being Latvian, rather than Russian was, and this may be something that foxes other readers too without a little more detail. Although you obviously don’t want to overload the narrative with too much explanation a few details here and there would really help to build a picture of the area that would linger in the mind of your readers, and I think it could really bring your story alive. The only, very minor, issue I had with your characterisation of Lev was over whether he would risk trying to untie a bag in Elephant’s house that clearly didn’t contain the books he’d been allowed to look at; I wasn’t sure it was entirely plausible that he would really risk angering someone when just a moment before he’d wondered what Elephant might be capable of doing to him when they were alone on the marsh I do think you could benefit from a little revision of the structure of your opening chapters – you open chapter two with a short scene where Lev returns to Elephant’s house and briefly meets two other men, and then suddenly we seem to have been transported some weeks into the future, after Elephant has committed a violent robbery. I think this sudden switch in time is a little confusing – when you opened y