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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road“Handstands in the Shallow End” covers an interesting topic, that of a sane woman who has experienced a serious loss and has been placed in a psychiatric hospital. The narrative is well-written and very descriptive and the prologue immediately captured my attention.The detailed description is good but potentially having so much detracts slightly from the plot which seems confusing due to the fragmentation of the text which jumps in time quite often. Your dialogue is very realistic and the events that occur do not seem implausible.You have focused on several characters which is great but I still have not got a real feel for the protagonist Luanne, without an emotional connection to her, the reader will not feel sympathy towards her situation which is certainly a horrific one and should be very heart-rending. I believe there to be a need for more detailed portrayal of Luanne as a person as well as of her surroundings. The brutal cruelty of the hospital staff, particularly of “The Lobster” is intense without being far-fetched which is a difficult accomplishment. You have some interesting themes and a good mix of characters. Luanne would benefit from character development and once this has come together you should have an emotional read.Feedback from Marisa, Random House
What a lovely short story you have written, Danny! I enjoyed reading your light-heartedly humorous submission which picks upon scenes at a family funeral.Your beginning is very strong, with comic elements opening up the story:“It seems that death is not the end. After that, there’s lunch.”“There are also cakes - Mr Kipling has paid”The first-person narration works very well; your main character observes various scenes at the funeral, adding personal thoughts and feelings to his observations. The reader warms to him quite easily and is able to follow the story easily. For a short story, I personally thought that you introduced the various characters carefully, without confusing too much. They are perfectly depicted and one senses a certain warmth in the father-son-relationship.The “touching of shoulders” is a beautifully crafted, recurring element. I would probably introduce it even earlier, to give it more power and to have a stronger story line pointing towards the end. I thought Kelly’s appearance as a policewoman was slightly peculiar and disturbing. Having read the end, it falls into place, but I suggest reworking this part. You could probably take it out and replace it by another scene. Here is just a suggestion - I am sure you’ll find your own creative solution!- Tonto could die of a heart attack, shortly before hitting Sean. In your end scene, you could still reveal Mary as a person with good instinct, and the narrator admiring his wife for her senses. Tonto dying rather than being arrested would accomplish your setting and overall theme more effectively as well. Your ending is sweet and warm, and wonderfully closes the story. Congratulations to a well deserved place among the Top Ten!
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Frame-UpYou have a really intriguing, original idea for a novel and I hope you to continue to develop it, as it has such potential.Your writing is generally lively and entertaining although I'd recommend you read as widely as possible in the thriller genre, if you have not done so already, to see how other authors tackle issues such as characterisation as I felt this could be a little simplistic, particularly with Zeeva, and would be worth some closer attention. Try and be as creative as possible in the details you do give; it was much more interesting, for example, to read that Will opened the window in his cab due to claustrophobia as it both tells us something about Will as a person and also hints at forthcoming difficulties (after all, how will a claustrophobic cope in a confined cell?) than it was to read that Zeeva wore Chanel No. 5.There is a lovely trace of humour in your writing, which is bound to keep a reader entertained and by the time I'd finished your four chapters I was completely absorbed in Will's story and whether he'd risk his life for the sake of fame and fortune. Even in just those few sample pages you established Will and Sam as likeable characters and although the story is slightly skewed towards Will at the beginning, which is fairly inevitable, I imagine you will ensure that the balance is more even as the story progresses. I was eager to see how the two would interact when they did meet – would Sam uncover the plot? – which is a really positive sign as, so often, it can take too long to see how characters will eventually meet, by which point the reader has lost interest.On a plausibility note, I was a little surprised that he didn't ask to meet the lawyer involved in the case first; I'm not sure if this will turn out to be relevant later in the story but I felt it was unlikely that a journalist wouldn't check out every angle of a case before they signed up, especially one that was so risky. After all, what proof did he have that Zeeva had even spoken to the lawyer? But as, I say, this could have been engineered for a plot reason although, if that is the case, it's probably best to show Zeeva overriding Will's concerns rather than Will never expressing any.This was a very enjoyable read and I really think you have a good idea that I hope you will to continue to develop. Congratulations and good luck!Feedback from Alison, Random House
1. The Bowels of the Earth by Veronica Di Grigoli Short Story, Literary Fiction, General Fiction 28 May 2008 What does it feel like to be buried alive? My grandfather spent eight hours tunneling his way out of a collapsed coal mine with his bare hands. This is his story. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Bowels of the EarthWhat a beautiful, touching story – congratulations on a well-deserved place among July’s Top Ten! Your easily accessible narrative, good pace and eloquent dialogue follow throughout the story and make The Bowels of the Earth a very pleasant read.Your introduction gripped me immediately: A probably middle aged woman finds an old tobacco tin which reminds her of her childhood. This unfolds beautifully into her grandfather’s story: he escaped the "bowels of the earth", the collapse of a mine shaft, whilst all of his colleagues died during the tragic accident. The event shapes him for the rest of his life, both physically and emotionally.There is a certain warmth and sweetness in the atmosphere when the little girl spends time with her granddad, evoked by the naivety of the child, eager to learn about her grandfather’s scars, and by the grandfather’s gentleness when telling his story.You use very beautiful language for both granddaughter and grandfather which brilliantly reveals their characters. Furthermore, the child’s innocent questions and the granddad‘s metaphoric language are very touching and there are many parts to quote from which made me smile or I found moving:"But this time he flung me under one arm as if I were a rolled-up newspaper…""I could not imagine Grandpa’s skin ever having had a smooth texture. It was how I imagined real dinosaurs' skin to have looked.""It’s like switching off all your senses when you go under ground.""Well, God puts us here on this earth and one day he decides to take us back again. It’s up to him when and how he takes us.""In that 'orrible black water in the dark bowels of the earth, I felt as if I was already dead and my body was decomposing. There’s nothing in the world more beautiful than fresh flowers in the sunshine. It made me feel alive again."The way grandfather and granddaughter engage with each other reflects a relationship full of warmth and gentleness. There seems to exist a deeper relationship between granddaughter and grandfather than between daughter and father. In fact, I found the way the father told his child about grandpa’s dramatic incident slightly unusual: He is less gentle when talking to his 8-year-old child and focuses on the facts of the accident rather than revealing any thoughts or feelings. Having said that, the contrast in language adds to tension and drama, which you start building up earlier: "And when, later on, I did learn how it ended, I wished I had never asked him about that scar in the first place." Moreover, you probably intended to reveal bits of the father-son-relationship? Granddad’s escape from death seems to have turned him into a rather thoughtful, reserved person. His emotional pain has been evident throughout the father’s childhood and they probably never talked about it.I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story – maybe you want to write another one, this time focusing on grandma? Having read The Bowels of the Earth, I would certainly read it! Congratulations on a beautiful, warm and moving story!Feedback from Nicole, Random House 2. The Second Siege by William Burton McCormick Crime, Historical, Novel 12 Jun 2008 A young immigrant in Edwardian London sacrifices family, faith and future to join a group of robbery-backed anarchists only to be viciously betrayed by one among them. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Second SiegeYour synopsis really raised my expectations and I was very pleased to see that your story lived up to this promise. Lev is a very likeable young narrator who should be able to bear the weight of your narrative admirably, and you evoked a strong sense of London at this turbulent point in history that was very enjoyable to read. Historical fiction is an increasingly popular genre with readers and I think you’ve hit upon a very strong subject matter in the anarchists as it’s a part of British history that is less well known, and therefore all the more intriguing. You open with a lovely, grimy description that gives us a real sense of the atmosphere of early twentieth century London and I hope you continue to create such a strong sense of place in the rest of your writing. As I said Lev is an interesting narrator, and I think you captured his struggle to help his family while finding his own path in life very ably. I would have liked to have had a few more details about the different communities and religions at work; I have to confess my ignorance I’m afraid as I wasn’t quite sure what the significance of Elephant being Latvian, rather than Russian was, and this may be something that foxes other readers too without a little more detail. Although you obviously don’t want to overload the narrative with too much explanation a few details here and there would really help to build a picture of the area that would linger in the mind of your readers, and I think it could really bring your story alive.The only, very minor, issue I had with your characterisation of Lev was over whether he would risk trying to untie a bag in Elephant’s house that clearly didn’t contain the books he’d been allowed to look at; I wasn’t sure it was entirely plausible that he would really risk angering someone when just a moment before he’d wondered what Elephant might be capable of doing to him when they were alone on the marshI do think you could benefit from a little revision of the structure of your opening chapters – you open chapter two with a short scene where Lev returns to Elephant’s house and briefly meets two other men, and then suddenly we seem to have been transported some weeks into the future, after Elephant has committed a violent robbery. I think this sudden switch in time is a little confusing – when you opened y
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Second SiegeYour synopsis really raised my expectations and I was very pleased to see that your story lived up to this promise. Lev is a very likeable young narrator who should be able to bear the weight of your narrative admirably, and you evoked a strong sense of London at this turbulent point in history that was very enjoyable to read. Historical fiction is an increasingly popular genre with readers and I think you’ve hit upon a very strong subject matter in the anarchists as it’s a part of British history that is less well known, and therefore all the more intriguing. You open with a lovely, grimy description that gives us a real sense of the atmosphere of early twentieth century London and I hope you continue to create such a strong sense of place in the rest of your writing. As I said Lev is an interesting narrator, and I think you captured his struggle to help his family while finding his own path in life very ably. I would have liked to have had a few more details about the different communities and religions at work; I have to confess my ignorance I’m afraid as I wasn’t quite sure what the significance of Elephant being Latvian, rather than Russian was, and this may be something that foxes other readers too without a little more detail. Although you obviously don’t want to overload the narrative with too much explanation a few details here and there would really help to build a picture of the area that would linger in the mind of your readers, and I think it could really bring your story alive.The only, very minor, issue I had with your characterisation of Lev was over whether he would risk trying to untie a bag in Elephant’s house that clearly didn’t contain the books he’d been allowed to look at; I wasn’t sure it was entirely plausible that he would really risk angering someone when just a moment before he’d wondered what Elephant might be capable of doing to him when they were alone on the marshI do think you could benefit from a little revision of the structure of your opening chapters – you open chapter two with a short scene where Lev returns to Elephant’s house and briefly meets two other men, and then suddenly we seem to have been transported some weeks into the future, after Elephant has committed a violent robbery. I think this sudden switch in time is a little confusing – when you opened y