1.	And Stones Shall Dance by David Pickering Literary Fiction, Novel, General Fiction 11 Dec 2008   It is the last evening of the twentieth century. Elk is going back to find someone he has somehow forgotten in the smoke-blackened, witch-haunted ruins of his past. After all, if the earth is to be moved, you have to find a place to stand. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book

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Diminuendo by Joe 90 Short Story, General Fiction 13 Nov 2008  Music is good for the soul More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Diminuendo I think this is a good story, with potential to be really fantastic. The idea is original and interesting and the narrative voice is strong and convincing. Some of the language is really beautifully pitched eg. 'her needle-sharp pencil stabbling the life from a wandering crochet' and it has tangible atmosphere.   I think there's more of a story here than is told though. I'd like to know more about his relationship with his parents - why is piano so important to them and why does it make them so angry. If you don't know this the violence and arguments seem over stated. I'm not that interested in Nick actually. He's interesting as a fellow pupil but the comparison between the adult men isn't handled nearly as well and the motorway service setting seems random and distracting. Why are they meeting there? Why not in the pub? Something more about the piano teacher's illness and if possible some more idea of her motivation for paying for the lessons - did she fail to make the grade herself, is she paying his parents back for something. It doesn't seem clear. And without more explanation the ending seems rushed and although I love the idea that a child could think that they could kill someone just be playing badly, it doesn't ring quite true for this child.   As I have said some of the language is lovely, but some could be a bit less extravagent. Where you use adult and quite complicated words like 'disquieting solemnity' it doesn't sound like a child, or like the man he's become of no particular ambition. I think cutting some of the adjectives would give the story more power.   Could you try starting with. 'No music room should be this still?' I think the introductory paragraphs are distracting. At first I thought there was a group music lesson in progress, which seemed strange. I love the description of the shared experience of the children of Mrs Crabbe and would like to see what would happen if you worked up the difference between how they perceive their teacher and how adults do.   There's so much here to comment on and a lot of it really good it just needs some work on the back story and then a really ruthless edit of the flowery language . You can write really well without it! Feedback from Sally, Random House

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Echoes of the Sword's Song (V4) by C. L. Frontera Action, Adventure, Fantasy 01 Dec 2008  Anna wants nothing more than to live in the present. Her daughter, Terin, wants to unravel the past and the mystery surrounding her father. When their kingdom is invaded both women will find themselves thrust into the center of the coming battle. Contemporary tale, medieval-type setting—no dragons, elves, magic. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Echoes of the Sword's Song (V4)  I really enjoyed this, description is very vivid especially in the first chapter. The struggle between Anna and Terin is well written and you are able to see both sides of the mother daughter struggle. I did guess that Anna was in fact the The Swordmistress but that didn’t affect my enjoyment of the story. The question over who is Terin father remains although I think there are clues. I would be interested in reading more about how Anna and Terin reunite, and whether Terin ever finds out who her mother really is. Feedback from Julie, Random House  More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book

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Tied by JW Hicks Short Story, Literary Fiction 17 Sep 2008  If you wait long enough an answer will come. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Tied Your submissions seem to continuously make it to the Top Ten – you should be very proud of your achievements!  I was very touched by your story. Your characterisations and your writing style effectively support the overall story: A little girl torn between different family members, not being able to settle down in a homely environment. I personally liked your use of language and sentence structure especially at the beginning. I felt it read like a poem introducing your short story about poor June.  Moments of happiness and hope nicely break your rather sad story up: You make Grampa a very loving character – one can sense June’s longing for him amidst being torn between mother and sister. Further, Sean shines some light into June’s life. His reaction (“It’s time your sister looked after he own kid…It’s not like you’ve adopted her…”) comes sudden and unanticipated though – maybe a bit too sudden.  Your ending was shocking and sad. You kept it open and I’m probably not the only reader who wants to find out what exactly happened to poor June.   I thought the setting you reveal in the end is a bit confusing. There are a few turns in your story the reader needs to take in. I feel it would work to your advantage if you clarified your setting earlier. The end would flow more smoothly and the readers’ main focus would be on the tragic event itself rather than on the timeline.  Overall, Tied is a suspenseful story. Well done – and keep up your great work! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

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They Don’t Pick Cotton by Hand Any More by Chuck Buckner Short Story, Literary Fiction 02 Oct 2008 Something about memories, picking and chopping cotton, going to school when it rained or when it was too cold. Something about stick figures and hunchbacks, burned lunches and fights over a piece of pork, getting shot at, black soil, white cotton, green and yellow spiders and a red sun. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On They Don't Pick Cotton by Hand Any More I immediately loved your short story which has the concise quality of a poem but gives us a novel’s worth of knowledge about your central character. You give a rich, highly detailed sense of place and character by pin-pointing precise details in a super-zoom, slow motion mode that is very effective. I love the way everything you describe in a scene has a colour, or a shape or a texture, so the reader feels he has first hand knowledge of all that you describe.   You handle language so adeptly and confidently, with the precise and deliberate pairing of words to suggest a number of meanings. I liked the way you use a particular detail to catapult the story into another time and place in Allen’s life. You manage to avoid chronological confusion by weaving a thread of images through each scene, the green fire of Johnson’s grass, the flowered shirts at the end of the cotton process that the young Allen wears to school, and you cleverly let them re-surface during the different memories of the old man Allen has become.   As a very short, short story it works very well. However I felt the last scene was less successful. I found it difficult to understand who the two characters were and what they were discussing. The structure of your story relies on flash back and a fluid time line and for the most part it is a strength, it’s a method that evokes that ‘butterfly’ quality of memory you write about. However in the last scene I wanted to know who Mr Bagley and Miss Maggie were. The point of view is suddenly moved from Allen’s first person reminiscence to a third person scene in a shop. There are other little snippets of third person view points  in your story, but they could all come within the knowledge and memory of Allen, however this final scene does not, and I think that’s why it doesn’t work so well. You could perhaps hook Allen into it, by actually acknowledging that this is something he couldn’t possibly remember. You could have him talk about the circumstances of his birth and how he learned what his father said to the mid-wife about his fate as just another field hand.   You have given a very moving story of a hard life, a life which has seen war and the birth of children and a valued old age. Congratulations on a tremendous achievement: a life in a handful of jewelled words. Feedback from Mary, Random House

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The Hoagystone v2a by Edward Alport Children's Fiction, Comedy, Mystery, Fantasy 23 Jul 2008  Someone has put up a stone circle at the gates of The Scream Park and the way has been opened up to all sorts of unwanted visitors. The second book of The Spokeley Chronicles and sequel to The Scream Park. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Hoagystone I enjoyed reading the sample of The Hoagystone very much. There's much to like - quirky style, some humour and tension - and I agree that it works as a stand-alone novel despite being a sequel.   The only thing I would say about it being a sequel is that I felt at times I wanted to know more about the characters. I wanted more physical details about Charlie, wanted to know how old he was, hear more internal thoughts maybe, and I wondered if these were absent because they'd been covered in the first book. I really felt that Charlie, as the human hero, should be as vivid as possible for the readers so they have somebody to identify with.   I liked Seamus as a character and thought he had a great, strong voice. He works well as a contrast to the stereotypically spooky house of lots of children's fiction. Having said that, I did wonder if it might be good to set up Spokeley Hall with a little more tension and atmosphere and a bit more detail as it's such a fantastic setting.   As I said earlier, I think your quirky style works well here, but at times it did mean that certain parts of the action that could possibly be made more of - made more exciting for the reader - were dealt with very quickly. In your pottentially very exciting chapter five for example, I wanted more made of Charlie's fear, and more detail which could make the chase scene more real without making it any less fast-paced.   Congratulations on what seems to me to be a really good story. I wish you the best of luck with it. Feedback from Ruth, Random House

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The Toy Collector by Julian Green Crime, Historical, Mystery 24 Sep 2008 Sam and Patricia are from opposite ends of the social scale in London of 1895. However, their lives are about to collide when Sam steals a watch and Patricia investigates a possible murder. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Toy Collector I enjoyed this and am very tempted to take a look at the next few chapters which I think you mention are available on your page. I think the characters and setting are nicely drawn – the reader really feels plunged into nineteenth century London – the sights, smells and people are very real and evocative.  I rather liked the pick-pocket gang, but didn’t really take to Patricia. I found her age rather hard to judge and was surprised to read that she was almost eighteen – I thought from her behaviour that she was likely to be much younger. In fact, I’ve suggested below that this might work as a young adult book, so it might be worth considering making Patricia younger.   I liked the almost constant action and the intrigue of the second storyline. I’m sure that the two sets of characters will come into contact at some point in the story and was eager to read on to see quite how the two strand come together.   There seemed to be a number of quite young characters and I wondered whether you’d thought about the possibility that this might work as a YA story? I’m not sure how the story progresses, so it might well be that this wouldn’t work given what happens further into the story, but it might be something to think about, especially if the younger characters are the main focus and if things don’t get much more gruesome.  Overall an interesting read and a great start.  Feedback from Clare, Random House

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Death by DeNiro by Mike Hanson Short Story, General Fiction 01 Sep 2008 Introspective view of death and values More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Death by DeNiro Congratulations for making the Top Ten, I can see why your short story made it. It’s very powerful and controversial! Although I feel like “enjoy” would be the wrong word, I was deeply affected for such a short story! I felt that the angry voice of the narrator was quite harsh at the beginning although soon realised there was a valid reason for this. The language when he’s describing the nightclub is very atmospheric and I felt that this really made the story work. I couldn’t help squinting when reading the bit about his eye socket! The piece as a whole is really thought provoking around the whole idea of “brain dead” and I’m sure would cause many debates among readers! I think that it’s really good as a short story and, although I can’t see how this particular story could be extended without taking away from it, would love to read more of your work. Feedback from Ruth, Random House

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Spirit Shifter by Gavin Cramblet Novel, Fantasy 19 Sep 2008 Talyn’s kingdom often relies on his miraculous ability to transfer wounds from one person to another. But when nobles exploit his powers to start a war, and a murderer holds him hostage in an attempt to prove her innocence, he’ll need more than miracles to save himself and his country. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Spirit Shifter Congratulations on making it into the Youwriteon top ten! I was impressed with your writing, which is very polished and well paced. You’ve done a great job of ensuring your first three chapters draw the reader into Talyn’s world. You have a light touch in suggesting the nature of the alien culture and manage this without too much over explanation. Allowing the nature of Talyn’s world to emerge as the characters speak and act, rather than giving us long descriptive passages, gives your story the necessary pace to move it forward.   Your writing is especially evocative when you deal with the physical world, you evoke the pain of the patients and describe their physical ailments very effectively. The fight scene between Karn and Serra was choreographed superbly, with great realism. I could almost feel the crunch of skull against jaw and the murder of Karn was visceral enough for us to feel the fear gripping Karn’s throat! I think your action scenes and physical descriptions are your greatest strengths, which you’ve played to very well in the opening chapters.   I also liked the mental agonizing of Talyn, how he doesn’t sit easily in his role as pain shifter. This adds a dimension to the character that keeps the reader intrigued. With Serra, I think she is in more danger of appearing one dimensional. At the moment she is all ill-suppressed rage, so I would suggest that she is a character that you should be looking to add another layer to fairly early on.   Your story successfully establishes that we are in a fantasy tale and as a reader, you have held me for the first three chapters. However, there is a formulaic quality to the story so far and I think after chapter three might be the point where you give us something a little unexpected in your characters or plot. The fox demon is a good counter foil, I liked the way you introduced him as a disembodied ‘chorus’ and his non-human presence is an element of mystery that keeps the suspense going.   You have set us up for a meeting between Talyn and Serra, which I’m hooked enough to want to read about, but when it happens, I hope you will consider giving us the unexpected. Perhaps deepen Serra’s character with some contemplation and enliven Talyn’s with some action, perhaps, in a sense swap them over. Mix it up.   A word on the linguistics of your created world: I would suggest that you don’t give your characters half invented and half English names and titles. If you are going for archaic ‘real’ names then I think it is worth sticking to one century and region. For instance you’ve given us ‘Windsor’ 20th century English, along with ‘Templar’ medieval English. Harold and William - contemporary English; Talyn and Serra – invented. But both ‘Templar’ and ‘Windsor’ for example have very particular historical connotations - especially for British readers, so unless these will factor into your story, I would suggest changing them to invented names. However, you may of course intend to jar the reader out of your invented world for a particular reason which I’m unaware of at this stage of the story.   I was not convinced by the sentence in an invented language you gave to the foreign mother. Unless you intend to develop a grammar for your invented language I would stick to the odd word or title of a person to give a flavour, rather than whole sentences, which can hold up the story and become an annoyance to the reader.   On a plausibility note; when Serra’s father confronts her in her room after Karn’s murder, She offers him the box containing her bloodied knife. He takes this as a sign of guilt, but does he really believe his daughter is stupid enough to hand him the un-cleaned murder weapon? A simple search by the guards which uncovers the murder weapon in her room would be more plausible I think.    Another thing I think you should be aware of when you are writing the kakri character is that you have emphasised his non-human nature. The language you use could reflect this a little more. For example you have him say: ‘When I kill at least I am man enough to admit it is because some lives are worth more than others’. But he isn’t a man, he is a fox demon, so this phrase should have no part in his vocabulary, you could change it to something like ‘at least I have the courage to admit…’   I hope you add more chapters to your story soon, as the idea of the spirit shifter as a conduit for healing and punishment is an intriguing one and I’ll be interested to see how the story and characters develop. Feedback from Mary, Random House

Well done to the authors concerned ! The Top 5 stories below now take their place amongst the other books in the YouWriteOn Best Seller Chart. 

1.

Welsh, Not (3) by Chris Pitt Novel, General Fiction 20 Aug 2008   Siôn, son of an extreme nationalist, born with the wrong coloured hair, reflects on his troubled life. But is it too late to change? More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Welsh, Not Whatever else it is about ‘Welsh, Not’ is obviously a story about language, in particular the Welsh language, but more generally about the power of language to shape lives and about the attempt to control human beings by controlling their language. You’ve cleverly used different types of language and different ‘voices’ to demonstrate your theme. I was very impressed by your handling of Siôn’s dialect. It’s very easy to ‘over do’ a regional accent, resulting in an irritated reader and a leaden story, but you’ve struck just the right balance to convey Siôn’s accent, suggesting it through the rhythm of his speech and allowing the reader to ‘hear’ the Welsh lilt.   You suggest a different world, by defining your other main character Jenny, with a different type of English: the language of a professional, middle class, educated woman. The contrast is deliberate and makes a point, but I did feel that the first person narrative of Jenny was less successful than the sections where Siôn is speaking. There are some descriptive passages in her first person narrative that seem a little stilted; ‘A grey arc of identical council properties…to blue above the horizon.’ I think you manage very successfully to give us a more subtle sense of place during Siôn’s narrative.   Siôn’s writing assignments are a clever way of building up the back story and the scenes in the family council home with his abusive father and warm hearted mother felt authentic. I also liked the grudging hero worship in the relationship between Fitz and Siôn.   You’ve made an intriguing start to your novel and I would definitely like to read on, to find out who the mysterious Mab Doragan is in the story and if Jen and Nia can be trusted. You throw in a nice doubt about their motives during their interview with Siôn’s Mum and Jen’s change of attitude towards Siôn keeps us guessing.   One thing I think might be worth thinking about is giving us more of a sense of what sort of story we are in. Is this a fantasy novel, with the Mab Doragan being a mythical figure re-emerging into modern times, is it a political novel about Welsh nationalism or is it, with the introduction of the gun, a gritty crime mystery? It could be any or all of these, but at the moment it feels as though you haven’t quite made up your mind. The reader would like to know.   Well done on a very encouraging beginning to your story and one that leaves this reader wanting to continue with it. I’m left echoing the words of Jen ‘So what happened after that?’ Feedback from Mary, Random House

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Flashback by E. Christopherson Comedy, Literary Fiction, Novel 12 Aug 2008   Gordo goes on a long, strange trip ... More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Flashback The novel starts with Gordo waking up in a hospital bed not recognising himself, his name or even the century he is in. It is pacy and you get a real sense of character.   The sixties description though is quite heavily enforced, and I do feel that a slightly lighter touch on that would have enhanced the story more. I do wonder whether trying to make Gordo too much of a sixties stereotype detracts from the writing and the ultimate storyline. Try to be more subtle with the sixties references, ‘the nurse in a white paper cap’ it is just laid on a bit too thick. It would then give you the chance to explore the other character’s reactions to Gordo more, and to establish a real sense of current time, which I think needs expanding.   Gordo doesn’t know where he is or what has happened and although you can feel his confusion and paranoia , I am not sure that any fear of his surroundings or his missing memory is described fully. Try to think about what you would feel, wouldn’t you feel scared, what would that mean physically to your body , would your palms sweat, at the moment it is dealt with too lightly. . The synopsis outlines a much deeper and darker storyline and I was surprised that this was not conveyed fully by the excerpt. The sypnosis grabs your attention ‘fugitive from justice’ instantly invokes a much more thrilling read. The idea that this also deals with the more personal relationship with his family and especially his daughter, really gives the feeling of substance to the writing.   Congratulations on getting to the Top 10 and I hope this helps you to strengthen your story and so reach a much wider audience. Feedback from Julie, Random House

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Xy: A World Without Men-Nathan's story by Kasia Novel, Science Fiction, General Fiction 07 Sep 2008  As Nathan reaches his fifty-fifth year, he recounts his first and second meeting with Anna, a woman thirty years his junior. His story reveals the underbelly of Vision and the lengths it is prepared to go to, to ensure the ‘ bad man’ never has power again. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Xy: A World Without Men - Nathan's story The opening to this is gripping, you get right into the action and the relationships between the men in detention are sparsely but effectively realised. It is very pacy and the central idea it is explores is an interesting one and makes you want to read on. The descriptions of the abandoned society are strong, and feel like a film set. The scenes have real drama. The writer is very good at dialogue and conjuring up characters in a few words.   The things that could have been more successful is where the text becomes philosophical. I want to see the feelings, hurt, rage bitterness expressed through the scenes and dialogue and I found the extended pieces of background hard to follow and the writer lost my sympathy at these points. I don’t know if this is a deliberate attempt to distance us from the character of Nathan, because he’s about to do something awful? But, as the chapters stand this feels like a bit of a rant. I think the female characters are less successful than the men, particularly the child, uses language that is a bit stilted and seems to vary between almost babytalk and adult words. I think some of the observations Nathan makes are too general, which leads you to suspect that they are the author’s views not his, and to avoid this I want to know what Nathan personally experienced to lead him to believe these things.   Where this story works best is when it concentrates on small details and specific incidents, like finding Mike among the dustbins and Anna’s mother finishing off the pie. I would work on cutting some of the observation and generalization and try and realise it through what the characters say and do, minor characters could carry a lot of this. I think the storyline is interesting and strong, but that the writer needs to check all the time that the story takes precedence over making a political point. If the story works the point will be made!  Feedback from Sally, Random House

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Holly Weatherby and the Enchanted House v2 by Mike Hanson Children's Fiction, Novel 18 Jul 2008  Very few people know why Holly Weatherby's parents stopped talking to one another. However, when Uncle Monty turns up with the answers, Holly becomes determined to do something about it. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Holly Weatherby and the Enchanted House I enjoyed reading this – I think it’s a sweet story with some lovely and imaginative characters. Holly is great – realistic, but feisty – a good heroine. I also really liked how mysterious Uncle Monty is – the description when Holly firsts meets him and thinks he’s an alien is great. The odd-shaped aliens and the dwarf are also really fun characters.   In the main I liked the way the story moves from it being Holly’s birthday to Holly receiving the DVD from Monty to her adventure beginning. However, I wasn’t so sure about the very beginning. I wonder whether you place a little bit too much of an emphasis on Billy Potts the postman at the start if he doesn’t resurface in the story later on that is. If he does and plays a role in what’s to come, I think it’s fine to start as you do, but if he only puts in the one cameo appearance I think you should perhaps treat him with a slightly lighter touch so that the reader knows he’s not really an important character.   This is quite a difficult age range to write for because lots of children are reading series at this stage, rather than stand alone fiction. Thinking about a hook, a unique selling point which will make your story stand out in what’s a pretty crowed market might be something to think about going forward.  Feedback from Clare, Random House

5.

mighty like a rose (Who, me? revised) by H.E Glover Short Story, Literary Fiction 05 Sep 2008   A short story. A conversation about a life revealed. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Mighty Like A Rose (Who, me? Revised) H. E. Glover   Who, me is a neat and carefully crafted short story, exploring the thoughts and emotions of the narrator as he is questioned by what appears to be his therapist. Although the scope of the story is restricted by the length of the therapy session, Glover has managed to convincingly develop the personality and mindset of the main character, allowing the reader to gradually gain an understanding of the personal history of the narrator – what it was that lead to the therapy session – as well as his current personality and emotions.   I particularly enjoyed the gradual development of the story, both in terms of the narrator’s immediate surroundings and the staggered revelations of the narrator’s childhood. The sound of distant drumming, followed by a mention of the therapist’s shoes, finally developed into a fuller physical description of the therapist, reflects the personality of the patient himself – someone who is caught up in his own internal monologue and is not fully immersed in the outside world, a place that seems somewhat periphery and irrelevant.   Although I liked Glover’s writing style (and his brilliant accuracy in portraying internal thoughts, such as the amusing use of song lyrics), I feel that the work could be a little more polished. A detailed description of a beautiful smile is tarnished by the unnecessary inclusion of the word ‘taut’, an unusual and charming collective noun (‘flotilla of butterflies’) is followed by the somewhat regimental ‘charge’ (where ‘churn’ might be better), and the sometimes unexpected inclusion of question marks (‘I need to hear about that?’) impairs the tone of the conversation.   With a little tweaking and tightening, Glover’s writing could be even more enjoyable than it already is, and I look forward to reading more of his work.   Feedback from Nicole, Random House

6.

Hosing Venetian Blinds by Liza Perrat Literary Fiction, Mystery, Women's Fiction 03 Sep 2008 To vindicate an inexplicable decision, Tanya is forced to unearth tragic secrets. Did her manic-depressive mother kill Tanya's sister? Or was it her seductive Uncle Blackie, who befriended the attention-starved Tanya, on the brink of adolescence? More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book   Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Hosing Venetian Blinds by Liza Perrat    I did enjoy this. At first I found the descriptive language a little too much work – there seemed to be too many similies and metaphors in quick succession. I did however find a colourful, dusty, hot landscape was clearly evoked in my mind. The texture the writing seemed to be aiming for did not quite come through for me. Perhaps simpler sentences might help with this.  The language in the first person young Tanya narrative was much more natural and readable. She became a tomboyish, wilful, likeable character very quickly. The writing is homely and comfortable in these scenes. Dad and Grandma also read very naturally and vividly. I am not sure how much my reading or the writing of these characters relies on stereotypes. This may be something to consider. The mother from child’s-eye-view is well done. Although complex emotions are being related, they are told in appropriate language for a child. I was surprised at first that Tanya was not younger than nine, but on balance this age seems just right. I would be interested to read more about the mother’s depression and her relationship with the father.  There were many lovely touches in the childhood narrative such as the plastic carpet covers, biscuits at Gallipoli, the mother reminding the police that the baby has a name. The amount of Australian history woven in is impressive. The news piece about the venerated author seems overlong.  I very much enjoyed the counterpoint of the abortion scene with the baby’s death. The childhood scenes were compelling and thorough. The abortion scenes were stark and provided a good contrast. It reads as though you are seeing the scenes played out under two different kinds of light. The older Tanya scenes could be developed to make them equally as convincing as the other scenes. The language, for example, sounds like third person narrative, although the story is apparently first person. Perhaps simpler sentences or less evident descriptive devices could be employed to keep these scenes real. A little more background with Alex might also provide intrigue early on. It seems that the novel overall aims to work through the complex link between the abortion and the murder/death of Kimberley. Currently there is little emotion (or numbness) for the termination itself. Complete transference of feeling and thought to the childhood death seems jarring. Feedback from Chimaechi, Random House

7.

Adiós, Aurora by ZeBeDee Literary Fiction, Novel 13 Jun 2008 The Heart of Darkness meets the Lord of the Flies. In 1982, an infamous mercenary surrenders to British peacekeepers in equatorial Africa. He says he is Jack Walton, whose family vanished in 1970. His captors don't believe him. No one could survive the pointless ordeals of his childhood. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Adiós, Aurora  Adiós Aurora is a truly gripping read.   The pace is swift and engaging and I couldn't wait to find out what would happen next.  The opening section really draws the reader in, you want to know who this man is and how he arrived at this juncture, not that you are certain where the protagonist is, what he has done and where is his going.  Personally, I always enjoy novels which move between different storylines either focusing on another character or between different points in time.  In this case, the reader travels through the present, recent past and the protagonist's childhood; I believe that to keep each line equally compelling is a real test of an author's ability and we are not disappointed here. Although I have not read the remaining chapters, I think that it is an interesting concept to look at Jack's childhood as an indication of how and why he has ended up where he is.  Raising the questions of nature vs. nurture and what are the consequences of ones' actions.  I would love to read the rest of the novel; I don't think I would be able to put it down, until I knew the answers to all those tantalising questions raised in the initial chapters.  Feedback from Alice, Random House

8.

Ready to Fall by Sheila Bugler Crime 25 Aug 2008 A damaged young woman is framed for murder. In a desperate attempt to clear her name, she uncovers a world she never knew existed - a world of black market baby sales, abductions and sudden death. A world where nothing - not even her own past - is what it seems . . . WARNING: Contains some violence and bad language More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Ready to Fall Congratulations on making the Top 10 of the bestseller chart! I’m really happy I read this one as Crime is my favourite genre. I was gripped from the start! I felt that completely drawn in to the manic situation that the girl was in. The fast pace of the prologue is a great way of immediately reaching the reader and I couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen. I was extremely curious at the end of the prologue about this woman and her son. When it then jumps forward 7 years and suddenly I’m confronted with refreshingly contemporary characters. I immediately felt at home in the surroundings and dialogue, which seemed very real and enabled me to really hear the voices of the characters. The emotive description is very clear and it seemed easy to really understand the emotions but felt it could have been improved with more physical description of the space and world around them. Despite the prologue being a great introduction, it feels quite out of place with the rest of the book. I was slightly confused about who the woman in the prologue actually is, I think it could have been made slightly clearer somehow? The main character is also a bit of a mystery. It would be good to know more about her past to really understand who she is and subsequently empathise more with her. Although I did feel that the references to drink really made me feel her need and get inside her head. The main thing I was frustrated about was the fact that I couldn’t read it all! I am totally compelled to read more and desperate to find out what happens!  Really well done for writing this, I felt that your dialogue is great, which is normally the hardest to do! I would be very keen to read the whole book and obviously others agree, which is why you made the top 10! Thanks. Feedback from Ruth, Random House

9.

The Game of Pirate by Ed Wicke Adventure, Literary Fiction, Teenage Fiction 02 Jul 2008 Piracy, treasure, witches, treachery; and an orphaned boy who just wants a quiet life - to start with, anyway! This is an adventure story which I expect will appeal to boys more than girls. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Game of Pirate I liked these opening chapters very much, they are well written and really intriguing. There's tons of potentially really commercial appealing stuff in here, but the writing is strong too. It's a great voice for a children's book of this genre and does not patronise or talk down to the reader.    I loved the touch of introducing each chapter with one of the rules from the game, this links the chapters well and reminds the reader of the intrigue of this game throughout. There were a couple of other things, which I thought meant that the chapters didn't flow as well as they perhaps could. The pace is a little frantic at times, a huge amount happens in just this short extract and I think the story as a whole would benefit from moving a little slower, adding a bit more background information in about the captain, Jack and the witches. Throughout, you could pause a little more often to give the reader some more detail - what exactly is the captain's scar? What do the men who attack Jack on the street look like?, for example. I also think that a more consistant pace will maintain the atmosphere you have so brilliantly established in chapter one. I didn't get the impression that Jack is totally terrified when he's attacked, for example.   I also feel like the things we discover in chapter two should be hinted at earlier and built up a bit more. In a way it's a brilliant device to suddenly discover that Aunt Emma and her friends are witches, and I like the way you have written it in almost as an aside, but I think it jars slightly too much at the moment. Perhaps we can learn a little more about Jack and his family history earlier, and the witches could be introduced a little more subtley?   Jack's clearly going to be a great character, and I wanted to get to know him better. More internal dialogue maybe, a bit more of insight into how he's feeling about situations. Does his heart pound, when they're attacked, for example? I didn't feel genuine affection from him for the captain, and yet he tells him he's been like the father he never had. What does Jack look like? As our hero, I feel like he's not quite dynamic enough in these early stages of the book. He doesn't make any attempt to defend himself when he's attacked and in chapter two he leaves the witches to fight for him. Because of this, it doesn't quite ring true when he attacks the warden in the captain's cell and I didn't feel particularly attached to him.   I hope this helps.I really did enjoy reading this and was intrigued to read on. Given the amount of submissions we receive each week - this is a really good sign. Feedback from Ruth, Random House

10.	He sings because he is by Joe 90 Short Story, Romance 27 Aug 2008 Rewrite of "Soliloquy for Two" incorporating many of the helpful suggestions supplied by my critics. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book

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Bunny Rabbits, Elves & Flowers (Revised) by JohnnyVee Short Story, Horror 15 Aug 2008   Orphaned in a land of low-flying dragons and smelly fairies, eight-year-old Melissa Grimforall decides to make a stand. - !ADULT FANTASY HORROR! - More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Bunny Rabbits, Elves and Flowers  This misleading, haunting, yet appealing short story sends the reader down a very dark road before emerging into the light at its conclusion.   The use of prose is effortless and fluid, with a clear sense of pace and rhythm. Melissa is also well visualised and her perception of a dystopian world was chilling to say the least. It leads the reader to try and understand her mindset, and find out why is she so dispassionate about taking life and the fate of her parents.   Everything reads really well until the final section, when Melissa’s bubble is burst and the true story is revealed. This last section seems to explain away the truth too quickly. I realise it is supposed to be a fast journey into realisation, but it just feels too quick.   It is clear that the author has a good, readable style, and a adventurous imagination as well. So with a bit of work the ending could be brought up to the standard of the rest of the story.   An encouraging effort. Congratulations to the Author for getting to the Top Ten! Feedback from Gary, Random House

2.

Overlord - The Rise of Zenobia (3) by JD Smith Historical 02 Aug 2008   6,800 words. Third century AD and the might of the Roman Empire begins to crumble through invasion. In the east of the empire, the forces of Persia press the frontier, and the king of the Syrian city, Palmyra, calls upon Emperor Valerian for aid. And thus, amidst the turmoil of the age, our story tells of Zenobia - the Warrior Queen. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Overlord - The Rise of Zenobia Overlord starts as an enjoyable historic action adventure of David Gemmell like intensity dealing with comradeship, violence, and loss, then switches quickly to reflecting on the aftermath and finally revealing the main story.   The writing is well paced and has a sense of calm that is contagious to the reader. There is a confidence and precision in the style that is commendable. I was concerned at first with the dialog, but as the story unfolded it improved immensely.   There is also a good economy of words, leading to the great pace of the story. In such a short submission I was drawn to three completely different scenes – all compelling, equally well done. It was almost frustrating! The environments were well described in short snippets rather than long descriptive sections, which fitted well with the pace.   The only issue I had with the submission was that the descriptions of the characters did not feel up to the quality of the rest of the submission.   In conclusion there is little to fault with this piece, and the author should be proud of its quality.   Congratulations to the Author for getting to the Top Ten! A well deserved position for this piece. Feedback from Gary, Random House

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La Putain Anglaise by Lorraine Mace Short Story, Literary Fiction 16 Jun 2008  When Claudette is told her father wants to make peace after fifty years of silence, she has some hard choices to make. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On La Putain Anglaise This was a very moving tale, full of suppressed anger, passion and longing, and building to an understated but accomplished climax. Your characterisation is excellent – you brought both Claudette and her father alive in just a few pages – and I was pleased with how believable the reversal in the character’s fortunes felt, there was no sense that you had set out to create a ‘twist in the tale’ type story as can sometimes happen with newer writers.     Your writing style is very simple, with few descriptive passages but this meant those you did include – such as the description of her father as ‘a skeleton, loosely shrink-wrapped in skin’ – really stood out. It’s great to see a writer confident in their style, who doesn’t feel the need to embroider their language with unnecessary similes and metaphors.   If you were to go back and make any revisions I would suggest that you could look again at the first line the father speaks. ‘Your mother was no heroine, she was a putain’ is dramatic but it struck a slightly artificial note with me; would her father not at least make some kind of reference to how long it had been since they’d seen each other? It reads rather like the kind of line people say in films and I think it might work better if you were to preface it with something that refers to Claudette’s arrival in France. Other than that though, this is a very good piece of writing and I can see why it has been so popular with readers. Congratulations! Feedback from Alison, Random House

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Infidel Heart [version two] by Kit Habianic Short Story, Literary Fiction 11 Jul 2008  Infidel Heart - a short story. July 7 2005: when a terrorist attack brings London's transport system to a halt, a young Muslim questions her choices as she waits for news of her sister. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Infidel Heart Congratulations on reaching the Top Ten again, Kit! Bwci-bo was one of my first reads to review and I am very happy to see another of your stories has proved successful on YouWriteOn.com. Well done! You are very good at depicting certain social and political issues and certainly don’t disappoint with Infidel Heart. The impact of 7th July has been told many times, but very rarely from a Muslim woman’s point of view. Though your story is fictional, the reader can very well engage with Saff, the main character, and sympathises with her in her struggle between living a western life and living her religion. I would probably go into more detail here to make her struggle even sharper. The same applies to Saff fearing for her sister Noura’s life. If you expanded on Saff’s concerning thoughts, your story would turn into a more dramatic read, with the end being even more relieving. I also suggest dropping Noura’s postcard: I personally thought it did not contribute to the storyline and it turned out slightly peculiar when she returns home after the bomb attack. Saff walking through Noura’s home, going through her personal things, would evoke the same feelings and thoughts in Saff and contribute to the story more successfully as there would be more of a flow of your storyline. I very much liked the style you build your short story up with: Small scenes from past and present give the reader a very good picture of the situation Saff finds herself in. Furthermore, I feel it suits the theme and beautifully reflects the chaos of that day in the narrative. Apart from the few details mentioned above, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. It lives from strong characters, pace in style and strong dialogue. I am looking forward to reading another story of yours which no doubt will impress readers on YouWriteOn.com again! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

5.

Mrs Outhwaite by Wendy Newdy Crime, Novel, Womens Fiction, General Fiction 17 Jul 2008  A year after her son's apparent suicide, Mae Martindale becomes obsessed with Mrs Outhwaite while both are on a community punishment programme. But just as her obsession grows, so does their unlikely friendship and Mrs Outhwaite becomes not just her ally but her salvation. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Mrs Outhwaite Congratulations on achieving the Top Ten with Mrs Outhwaite! You very well depict a mum’s problems and social decline whilst coping with the loss of her son. Your narrative is fluent and the language you use brilliantly reflects Mae’s character. She is frustrated, depressed, hateful, and very hostile against any other person. She is easily angered and cannot control her feelings and thoughts: "But even as I am saying it I am wishing I wasn’t.“ Mae seems to be in a constant battle of trying to become a better person, however, keeps failing until the very end. Furthermore, she doesn’t seem to want to change her behaviour as any change would mean to forget about her son, in a wider sense. You reveal this very well when Mae notices that Ross had put away the family pictures with their son. Whilst on the surface Mae does not present a typical mum-type character, her thoughts of Daniel show a certain warmth in her. Mae’s relationship to her son was special, even Ross, Daniel’s father, admits this. Nonetheless, it is quite obvious that Daniel’s suicide could very well have been the result of a disdraught family: His parents were divorced, Ross apparently failed to be a good father, Mae drinks and swears. You bring the elements of an unsuccessful family life beautifully together; the reader easily engages with the difficult, and quite uncomfortable, situation. Whilst your style and voice work in your favour to create a certain uneasiness amongst readers (it reminded me a bit of Notes of a Scandal), I wonder if your story benefited from little intersections which do not include a great amount of Mae's destructive attitudes and thoughts. Your story could turn out to be slightly too draining for readers if they were to read your completed work. Furthermore, I expected Mrs Outhwaite to have a more impacting role given that you named your story after her. She influences Mae’s behaviour and opinion, however, not strong enough to be put into the centre of the story by the title. You may have further plans for Mrs Outhwaite when developing your story, but at the moment she is not a character succinct enough. To conclude, you built up a very pacy story which lives from a strong character who keeps the readers engaged: They may dislike Mae due to her hostile attitude, whilst at the same time sympathizing for her as she is having a difficult time in copying with the loss of Daniel. I consider this is as one of your main strenghts – well done! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

6.

Flashback by E. Christopherson Comedy, Literary Fiction, Novel 12 Aug 2008 Gordo goes on a long, strange trip ... More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Flashback This has great potential, an energetic and lively opening which plays around successfully with a mix of styles, tones and genres, and is, above all, laugh-out-loud funny. By plunging us straight into Gordo’s confused world, we are left as baffled as he is about what’s going on, and keen to read on: is his persistent use of outdated slang (groovy, doobie, square) a sign he is merely a pathetic throwback to the sixties, a hanger-on who’s refused to grow up, or are there more complicated reasons to explain it? You maintain the light and frivolous tone really well, thanks to the voice of Gordo, and the obvious mistakes he makes in analysing and understanding the twenty-first century society he suddenly finds around him. This allows the opening chapters to light-heartedly satirise not only the twenty-first century, but Gordo’s child-of-the-sixties mentality too. You also use and satirise narrative styles well, from the ‘back to the future’ genre to action novels, for example the scene where Gordo’s attempted escape turns into farce as his newly acquired, sixty-something body refuses to keep up.   The style of the narrative is fast-paced, funny and engaging, however, reviewing only the first three chapters, my reservations lie in how well it will develop as a novel. Although told in the first person, the pace of the action and lack of reflection means Gordo remains a bit of a stereotype, a sort of Austin Powers type figure, a bit dim and vain: although he’s entertaining, I’m not sure I fancy accompanying him all the way through a novel. From this excerpt, I think that you could do one of two things to make the reader more eager to carry on with it. You could pad out Gordo’s character, make him more human, perhaps by focusing further on his internal reactions and developing what could be quite moving episodes, like when he looks at his hands or reflection in the mirror and realises how much he’s aged. You could also try bringing in other narrative voices to give a different and fuller perspective on the situation. However, I can see that this would change the tone a lot, making it a more serious and complicated satire than you intended. So it seems to me that a good alternative would be perhaps to keep Flashback as a short story. The opening doesn’t quite seem weighty enough yet to support a long narrative, but by fine-tuning and significantly condensing the plot, I think it could work really well.   However you decide to develop this, I think it has a lot of potential and I really enjoyed reading it- good luck! Feedback from Phillipa Lewis, Random House

7.

The Kingfisher (rev) by Andrew Wrigley Short Story, Literary Fiction, Thriller 01 Aug 2008 Revised. A short story of dog eat dog, fishing in the rain and the ultimate catch with the very last cast. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On The Kingfisher Well done, this short story immerses its readers in the narrative from the first page. Violence is reported through the gritted teeth of our narrator - a convincing character - and the atmosphere is gritty, controlled, realistic. This makes lines such as 'I wanted to kick its head off' when talking about Frank's dogs all the more punchy. The idea of the spaniels being used as target practice for the young pit bulls is chilling. The Northern Irish dialogue sits well, and it's great that you haven't overplayed the expletives.   I was pleased that the narrator has some depth to him, and surprised myself as I warmed to him. His description of his passion for dog fighting has a lyrical intensity, and when he wishes he could be left in peace to dog fight (that most cruel of sports) there's a certain vulnerability to it.   The description of the gravel pit is great - 'the swollen grey water and the ceaseless rain' emphasise the dreariness of the place, throwing the ensuing violence into stark relief.   I was genuinely surprised when Frank had his revenge at the end, although I would suggest cutting the last line. I don't think you need it, and it was the one place where I felt that the drama was a little overblown. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

8.

Two for the Crow by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Mystery, Womens Fiction 22 May 2008 It's l961 and Catholic school is out for the summer. Neighborhood life is simple for fourteen-year-old Theda Bara Falco and her friend, Nadine. That is, until the lazy summer morning Nadine Lupinski goes missing. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Two for the Crow Congratulations on the beginnings of what could prove to be a very intriguing mystery story! The thirty pages I read were crammed full of character and incident and certainly made for a page turning read. I loved how you subtly introduced the principal suspects – Theda’s mother’s boyfriend, Nadine’s difficult father, and intimidating brother – before the reader even realises that a crime has been committed.   I did think it might be worth thinking about focusing your attention on creating more of a sense of atmosphere; because the action skipped along so rapidly you never really took the time to establish a strong sense of place, which is very important in period stories in particular. There were certain scenes – the swimming pool for example – where your characters arrived and then seemed to leave straight away and I’d have really liked to have seen you take the time to describe the pool in a bit more depth. Why not show us Theda and Nadine’s conversations with the other swimmers? This would also give us more of a sense of their characters so that you didn’t have to rely on Theda telling us how Nadine always followed her around, but could show it instead, through their conversations.   Occasionally your chronology could become a little confused so it took some thinking to work out when it was say, that Theda received the letter inviting her to tea with Miss McKenzie and Ms Prude in relation to when your story opened. Do try and make a more obvious separation before different periods so we know when you’ve taken a step back – to describe Nadine’s birthday dinner for example – and when we’re back in the present as it really helps the flow of your writing.   This was a very promising start and I do hope you to continue to develop your novel and that these suggestions have been helpful.   Good luck! Feedback from Alison, Random House

9.

SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW by Angela Jaques Novel, Womens Fiction 23 Jul 2008 In 1988, Deirdra takes her own life. Twenty years on, Eve falls victim to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Will history repeat itself? More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Something You Should Know Congratulations; this has a brooding romance, suspense and a great sense of place: Vellon brought to mind Du Maurier's infamous Manderley. The structure is well balanced, following the narratives of three women: Deirdra, who drowns herself in 1988, because husband Eddie has 'gone to far' and had an affair with Selena (of Foyle, the manor house across the cove); Eve, the current inhabitant of Vellon; and Martha, the young girl now living at Foyle, who clearly has eyes for Eve's husband, Patrick.   The opening is strong, with Deirdra preparing for suicide. Her final reflections on the events that have driven her to this point work well as a natural way of providing the reader with the back story. We know we are in for a good read when Deirdra puts a scrap of paper under her husband's pillow declaring 'I watched you'.   I like that Martha's story is told through diary entries, and you've captured the voice of a young girl well - the change of tone helps to differentiate between narratives. The three strands complement each other, and we can see aspects of the story from different perspectives, which fleshes out the characters. For example, we see Patrick through Eve's eyes - as a young, naive boy, who she mothers slightly, and then from Martha's point of view, who sees him as an attractive, seductive man. As readers, we can see exactly why Patrick might flirt with an easily-impressed teenager as he feels inadequate in front of his wife.   I do think Eve's relationship with Patrick needs a bit of tightening, though: I wasn't completely convinced by them as a couple, which can jar the narrative. It's great that Eve's a complex character - plagued by a rational sense of doubt over Patrick's age and (lack of) maturity, but hoping for a child, aware time is slipping away from her - but as a passionate artist, albeit one who is emotionally cool towards marriage and its trappings, I think her passion for him needs to be a bit clearer.   Equally, Eve is the consummate artist, and a strong female character, but at times I think you need to tone down the characterisation a bit. For example, her 'bravely' declaring the Foyle cottage pie to be 'delicious', whilst secretly craving a salad and the dead fly in the wedding day champagne are veering towards pastiche.   Overall, a good read - Patrick's parents are deliciously awful, and you make good use of the Cornish setting. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

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Away from the Sun by Carl Plummer Crime, Novel, Thriller 11 Aug 2008 The third Mulberry/Calvert story. What begins as a simple murder becomes an intricate web in which Calvert is already entangled: Environmental Terrorism. Mulberry finds that some people will go to any lengths to have a child to love. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback On Away from the Sun This is a really well written and expertly structured opening which plunges the reader straight into the action and immediately gets them hooked: I was genuinely disappointed not to be able to carry on reading when I got to the end of the excerpt! Your project is ambitious but you manage to move convincingly between a wide range of voices, leaving the reader wondering how this web of dramatically different characters could possibly relate to one other. The careful positioning and juxtaposing of the scenes works brilliantly and I particularly like how the motif of water threads all the separate episodes together, from the opening section where Townshend and Story are lost at sea, or where Vanessa cycles home in the rain, through to her death, apparently by drowning. This is a really inspired idea, with the water symbol becoming gradually more significant as it’s revealed the crime may in fact be environmentally motivated. This all works to give a modern edge to what in some ways (with the slightly cynical, blasé detectives, for example, and the handful of frustrated housewives) could be seen as a potentially unoriginal set-up. Both the causes of the crime -environmental terrorism- and the way the crime is described are refreshingly new. The only word of warning I might give at this point is that occasionally the water motif is slightly over-laboured: although it is an effective way to link the sections, it doesn’t need to be emphasised too much. Your writing style is also very engaging: scenes are described with a detail and precision that gives them an almost filmic quality, and I can really visualise what’s going on. You handle all the techniques of the mystery genre well, evoking just the right balance between the cosy and the creepy (for example, where the sinister nature of Vanessa’s attack overshadows the following, snug marital scene between Stephen Haddock and his wife). You are very good at creating suspense, and subtle humour, but where you could perhaps do some work on your writing style is in describing action: I feel that when you describe Vanessa falling off her bicycle, or the shoot-out in Paris, your style becomes a bit slow and stilted, and needs to be punchier. Another concern is that with so many characters and sub-plots you might run the risk of overcomplicating the storyline and confusing the reader, so be wary of that. However these are only very minor quibbles about what is a really accomplished and exciting project. I think your strengths lie in your description, and the way you build up and layer contrasting atmospheres, so make the most of that. I look forward to reading a lot more of your work in the future- well done! Feedback from Phillipa, Random House

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Connie's Convertible (Revision 3) by Jim Coffey Novel, General Fiction 09 Jul 2008  Tom visits Connie, ex girlfriend and love of his life. The visit, and an unwelcome phone call from his estranged dying father, causes Tom to reflect on how he got into this desperate state, and then, just what he's going to do about it. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Connie's Convertible What a nice, funny and light-hearted story! Well done for achieving the Top Ten with your entry which I very much enjoyed with a smile on my face throughout!   The language you use is entertaining and engaging and by putting questions forward to the readers you brilliantly involve them into your story: "What to do?" "What do you need to know about her?" "How the hell had it come to this? I will try to explain."   Splitting the parts into smaller sections also helps the reader to follow your story easily and you are certainly not short of comic elements:   "Armed only with my thirty-nine year old legs and a slightly younger push-bike"   "Home was a nondescript town house carved up for the benefit of someone rich enough to own it but too rich to have to live there."   "…Legs you can't help but naturally want to put into all kinds of unnatural positions…"   "For a moment I thought I'd drowned and gone to heaven, as I happened to notice my rescuers were three naked, young and shapely ladies."   Comic elements like these follow the story throughout and make Connie's Convertible a very pleasant, entertaining read. Furthermore, the reader easily warms to the main character Tom, who often funny, sometimes a bit sentimental (when he talks about home), is very likeable.   I've got two suggestions you may want to consider:   You do not disclose lots of information on Tom's relationship with his ex-wife Evelyn and his daughter Mickey. Whilst your main focus in the first pages is on Tom's relationship with Connie, I think it would help the reader to get a better picture of the main character if you told a bit more about his life before he met Connie: Why did they split up? What kind of relationship does Tom now have with Evelyn and Mickey? A friendly relationship? A distant, cold relationship?   I was quite surprised that Tom decided to visit his ex-girlfriend when he discovered that he could not get into his flat, especially since they had broken up not long time ago. This reaction seemed to be rather unnatural. I would describe his motives to visit Connie in further detail. Surely, he didn't seek shelter only, but longed to see Connie.   Overall, a very enjoyable story you can be proud of!" Feedback from Nicole, Random House

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A Cross by the Road (Revised) by Dan Schuler Short Story, General Fiction 22 Jun 2008  A woman reflects on her past and her prospects for the future on the anniversary of the tragic accident that changed her life. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road Congratulations on a successful entry to the Top Ten! I thoroughly enjoyed your short story which lives from its pace, the convincing voice of the main character and the beautiful language you use.   You are very succinct in your descriptions, very focused on the main theme of your story: A man reflects on the accident in which he was involved and in which his sister Hannah Lynn died. You build your story up nicely: The brother's visit of the cross by the road, the sad memories of the accident, the warm memories of his conversation with Hannah Lynn before the accident, his parents' reaction to the loss of their daughter and the disclosure of the brother's actual involvement in the accident smoothly intertwine with each other. This allows for fluency and pace and makes your story a pleasure to read.   Furthermore, the main character's thoughts and feelings are utterly convincing and are very well conveyed by the language you use:   "To me, this is hallowed ground, the place where my younger sibling spent her final moments on this earth."   "I am still here, forced to live on, to remember that day for the rest of my life. I pray that Hannah has found peace, even as I am aware that I never will."   "and I find myself wishing that I too could be spirited away so easily, lifted out of this nightmare where everything has gone so terribly wrong."   These paragraphs especially reflect the brother's feelings and engage the readers with him: They feel the pain about the tragic loss of his sister and easily warm to the main character.   The second and third quote I mention above also give a glimpse of the brother's actual involvement in the accident, but it is not until the very end when the main character discloses that he was drunk behind the wheel when the horrific incident happened. The end is rather surprising, a turning point you keep for the end of your story, and I personally think you do very well in leaving this part for the end: It makes your story interesting and leaves the reader thinking beyond the end of the story. Well done!   Moreover, I thought you cleverly reflected on a little scene between brother and sister when they talk very personally of Hannah Lynn's affection for Kyle. There is a certain warmth and sweetness in the siblings' communication with each other which make Hannah Lynn's death even sadder and more revolting.   In my opinion you have written a very successful short story and truly deserve to be among the Top Ten! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

3.

HANDSTANDS IN THE SHALLOW END (REVISED) by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Womens Fiction 13 Jun 2008   It’s l968 when Luanne Kilpi is pulled from the Saginaw River and ends up in the loony bin. Her story illuminates the hopes and hazards of psychiatry, the thin line between heartache and insanity, an unflinching look at life inside the asylum that looms large in a small northern town. Women’s fiction. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road “Handstands in the Shallow End” covers an interesting topic, that of a sane woman who has experienced a serious loss and has been placed in a psychiatric hospital.  The narrative is well-written and very descriptive and the prologue immediately captured my attention. The detailed description is good but potentially having so much detracts slightly from the plot which seems confusing due to the fragmentation of the text which jumps in time quite often.  Your dialogue is very realistic and the events that occur do not seem implausible. You have focused on several characters which is great but I still have not got a real feel for the protagonist Luanne, without an emotional connection to her, the reader will not feel sympathy towards her situation which is certainly a horrific one and should be very heart-rending.  I believe there to be a need for more detailed portrayal of Luanne as a person as well as of her surroundings.   The brutal cruelty of the hospital staff, particularly of “The Lobster” is intense without being far-fetched which is a difficult accomplishment.  You have some interesting themes and a good mix of characters.  Luanne would benefit from character development and once this has come together you should have an emotional read. Feedback from Marisa, Random House

4.

Awake (slight revision) by Danny Gillan Short Story, Comedy, General Fiction 02 Jul 2008  Short Story. I've made a few changes to this but nothing major, so if you've had it before feel free to pass. It's a gently comic look at a typical working class funeral. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Group Feedback on Awake  What a lovely short story you have written, Danny! I enjoyed reading your light-heartedly humorous submission which picks upon scenes at a family funeral. Your beginning is very strong, with comic elements opening up the story: “It seems that death is not the end. After that, there’s lunch.” “There are also cakes - Mr Kipling has paid” The first-person narration works very well; your main character observes various scenes at the funeral, adding personal thoughts and feelings to his observations. The reader warms to him quite easily and is able to follow the story easily. For a short story, I personally thought that you introduced the various characters carefully, without confusing too much. They are perfectly depicted and one senses a certain warmth in the father-son-relationship. The “touching of shoulders” is a beautifully crafted, recurring element. I would probably introduce it even earlier, to give it more power and to have a stronger story line pointing towards the end.  I thought Kelly’s appearance as a policewoman was slightly peculiar and disturbing. Having read the end, it falls into place, but I suggest reworking this part. You could probably take it out and replace it by another scene. Here is just a suggestion - I am sure you’ll find your own creative solution! - Tonto could die of a heart attack, shortly before hitting Sean. In your end scene, you could still reveal Mary as a person with good instinct, and the narrator admiring his wife for her senses. Tonto dying rather than being arrested would accomplish your setting and overall theme more effectively as well.  Your ending is sweet and warm, and wonderfully closes the story. Congratulations to a well deserved place among the Top Ten! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

5.

Frame-Up by E. Christopherson Crime, Mystery, Thriller 29 Apr 2008   New York magazine journalist Will Pruett attempts to frame himself for a murder he had nothing to do with as a way to put the death penalty itself on trial—to demonstrate how a simple coincidence or two can cost an innocent man his neck. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Frame-Up You have a really intriguing, original idea for a novel and I hope you to continue to develop it, as it has such potential. Your writing is generally lively and entertaining although I'd recommend you read as widely as possible in the thriller genre, if you have not done so already, to see how other authors tackle issues such as characterisation as I felt this could be a little simplistic, particularly with Zeeva, and would be worth some closer attention. Try and be as creative as possible in the details you do give; it was much more interesting, for example, to read that Will opened the window in his cab due to claustrophobia as it both tells us something about Will as a person and also hints at forthcoming difficulties (after all, how will a claustrophobic cope in a confined cell?) than it was to read that Zeeva wore Chanel No. 5. There is a lovely trace of humour in your writing, which is bound to keep a reader entertained and by the time I'd finished your four chapters I was completely absorbed in Will's story and whether he'd risk his life for the sake of fame and fortune. Even in just those few sample pages you established Will and Sam as likeable characters and although the story is slightly skewed towards Will at the beginning, which is fairly inevitable, I imagine you will ensure that the balance is more even as the story progresses. I was eager to see how the two would interact when they did meet – would Sam uncover the plot? – which is a really positive sign as, so often, it can take too long to see how characters will eventually meet, by which point the reader has lost interest. On a plausibility note, I was a little surprised that he didn't ask to meet the lawyer involved in the case first; I'm not sure if this will turn out to be relevant later in the story but I felt it was unlikely that a journalist wouldn't check out every angle of a case before they signed up, especially one that was so risky. After all, what proof did he have that Zeeva had even spoken to the lawyer? But as, I say, this could have been engineered for a plot reason although, if that is the case, it's probably best to show Zeeva overriding Will's concerns rather than Will never expressing any. This was a very enjoyable read and I really think you have a good idea that I hope you will to continue to develop. Congratulations and good luck! Feedback from Alison, Random House

6.

La Putain Anglaise (formerly Chickenfeed) by Lorraine Mace Short Story, Literary Fiction 16 Jun 2008 When Claudette is told her father wants to make peace after fifty years of silence, she has some hard choices to make. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book    Random House Readers' Group Feedback on La Putain Anglaise         Your short story is an impressive piece of writing; you build up the tension carefully, surprising the reader with various twists along the way.  The narrative is strong and has a good pace and your flashbacks flow extremely well without you losing sight of the plot.   The use of the French language fortifies this text about human nature, betrayal, vengeance and honour.  You do not idealise your characters, giving them all the humanity that is necessary to make your story credible.  “La Putain Anglaise” is an emotional story with good use of description without overdoing it.  I might suggest rephrasing a few sentences but apart from that the language is good and you certainly know how to affect your reader emotionally. “La Putain Anglaise” is a memorable story which leaves you assessing what is right and what is wrong, especially in such a turbulent period as wartime where this becomes more difficult to judge.  I congratulate you on a shocking and satisfying ending; your last few lines are particularly fantastic.  Well done! Feedback from Marisa, Random House

7.

Infidel Heart [version two] by Kit Habianic Short Story, Literary Fiction 11 Jul 2008 Infidel Heart - a short story. July 7 2005: as a terrorist attack brings London's transport system to a halt, a young Muslim questions her choices as she waits for news of her sister. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Infidel Heart Well done – this is a strong, intense piece of writing, dealing with the difficult subject of terrorism and the effect it has on the lives of Muslims in the community. You convey the confusion and guilt that Saff feels incredibly well, whilst avoiding the pitfalls of stereotyping. The lines ‘I understand the logic behind this misdirected rage of the innocent. And that’s what sickens me the most’ encapsulate the complex feelings such an event must elicit.   Saff’s relationship with Sam is nicely handled – as she slaps him for mentioning that she isn’t circumcised readers are reminded that this is simply a sexual encounter between two young, naïve teenagers: their respective religions – for Saff at least – seemingly irrelevant during this moment of physicality. She seems relieved, if not somewhat surprised, that she is not struck down and the world destroyed; a touching moment that reinforces the sense that she is struggling with complex emotions that she can’t quite grasp.   Saff’s feelings that she has sinned against God and deserves to be stoned are pretty stark, but show how an event as momentous as the presumed loss of a sister can bring about intense emotion. I thought that the paragraph where she internally thanks Sam for ‘handing her the bullets’ was perhaps unnecessary. Saff’s calm, steely response, provoking Sam about land-grabbing in Israel makes it obvious that she is trying to cut herself off and works to greater effect standing alone, especially in such a highly charged piece.   Putting the London bombing into a larger context of atrocities carried out in the name of religion works well, and I was pleased to see that you didn’t lay this on too heavily – mentioning Szrebrenica, Bentalha, Fullujah by name is enough. I also liked the section on Saff’s childhood in Algeria. Even in a short piece, it’s good to flesh out your characters, and the incident where Noura is shot at by her father is great. Noura’s quiet apology and her father’s stunned impotence are well rendered, and this anecdote also makes Noura’s running away more credible.   To pick out one phrase, I especially liked the simile of the London bus ‘spilt open like a pomegranate’ – it vividly conveys the violence of the event, without the need for a graphic description. I would suggest cutting the sentences ‘Scalps on the streets. Blood on the walls’ as I think it’s strong enough on its own.   I didn’t think the ending was quite as strong as it could have been. I think it is clear that Saff has made up her mind, and although she is young, I think the statement that Noura will rise a stronger person and the line ‘I will keep my promise’ are a little absolute for a short story. I would be inclined to end on the three of them walking back to the aunt’s house, leaving the readers to contemplate their futures.   Congratulations on a brave piece of writing and I hope you will continue. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

8.

Old Horses by B. F. Thor Literary Fiction, Novel 05 Jun 2008 Meet Louis and his best friend Campbell Feathers; two teenage wildmen trapped, temporarily, in small town hell. Louis's idea of rebellion is adding apostrophes to road signs, whereas Campbell Feathers unselfconciously inhabits an adult world of drink, drugs and illicit sex with his Mother's friend Barbara (or so he claims). More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Old Horses   Congratulations on a well-written story. Campbell Feathers is an interesting character, with a great name.   I especially like the art lesson scenes. The inspirational art teacher who talks of space and critique, unintentionally denying the boys an establishment figure to rebel against is a wonderful touch, and the boys’ board spaces and the hierarchy of artists that feature on them (alcoholics, suicides…) work well, offering a playful nod to childhood insecurity and the need to impress.   The boys’ dialogue rings true – often a difficult thing to achieve – with notes of bravado and false confidence, thinly veiling their uncertainty when it comes to talking to girls, recounting these conversations to their friends and the usual awkward moments of adolescence.   On a point of style, do be careful not to overuse parentheses, such as ‘(hadn’t we?)’ on the first page and ‘(see what I mean?)’ at the beginning of chapter 3. Interjections can work well if used sparingly, but I think they can also interrupt the flow of a section, especially if the narrator is posing a question to the readers.   My one reservation is that after reading this extract, I don’t really have a sense of where the story is going. Clearly, the art show will go ahead, successfully or otherwise, and it’s undesirable to have too obvious a plot, but I do think that it lacks a sense of pace. Maybe you could work in a few allusions to future events, without giving too much away.   This is a light, entertaining story, and underneath the boys’ comical decision to hate their local town on principle, determined to follow a formula that they believe will help them to become true artists, is an exploration of finding out where it is that you belong, and trying to make your mark on the world. Well done, I hope you will continue working on it. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

9.

Red Shadows (Revised) by William McCormick Historical, Literary Fiction, Novel, Saga 05 Jun 2008 A failed revolution sets two brothers on a collision course. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Red Shadows It was only when I began reading your opening chapters that I realised I'd read another piece of writing you'd done for youwriteon so it was very interesting to see some of the same themes crop up in this story, albeit in a very different setting!   I felt that you very quickly captured the personality of your narrator, Wiktor, subtly evoking the bitterness and resentment he often felt towards his brother, whilst also creating some very vivid images through your description of the village celebrations and life within Wiktor's household. The conclusion of chapter one in particular, was very well drawn – the discovery of the hanging 'corpse' felt genuinely chilling and beautifully dispelled the growing sense of contentment you'd developed between Wiktor and his brother.   There are a few issues you probably want to bear in mind when you're revising your work however; the narrative voice seemed too mature and sophisticated for an eleven-year-old which made it difficult for me to truly believe in the character. Also, although I do understand that Wiktor would resent his brother I wonder whether it's really fair to portray his treatment at the hands of his family as so unfair; surely even the eldest son would be excluded from a serious meeting, say,  if he were only eleven years old? I think it's important to bring out a sense of conflict within Wiktor so that readers understand that his resentment arises from jealousy of his brother rather more than the situation itself.   I'd also liked to have a little more context threaded through your story; many of your readers won't be familiar with Latvian history so you want to think about how you can explain why, for example Wiktor wouldn't speak the same language as the people who live around him. In historical fiction people will normally accept more 'explaining' than they would do in contemporary fiction but do try and think about how you can get across the history and politics through conversations between characters or minor details, as that will make for a more interesting read. I hope you enjoy your re-writing, and good luck! Feedback from Alison, Random House

10.

The Stasi File by Peter Bernhardt Novel, Thriller 19 May 2008 An American lawyer and his lover from Berlin student days, now a budding Italian opera diva, are drawn into an assassination plot by a Stasi General, desperate to prevent the collapse of the East German police state after the fall of the Berlin Wall. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Stasi File   This historic novel introduced me to a topic I was surprisingly unfamiliar with. The history of the Red Army Faction is an uncommon background to a story. Cleanly woven into the fall of the Berlin wall and the start of Germany’s new future, I found it rich and engaging, even in only the first few chapters of the story.   All three starting points, in East Germany, West Germany and in the US, offer the reader a huge amount of detail to start the plot off. I am often wary of such approach as too much detail up front can often lead to reader overload, or at the least a sense of the author handing everything on a plate. But in this case it walks the line between them very carefully.   There are two scenes that particularly drew my attention. The first, with Silvia in the Park, and the second with Rolf going to visit the senior partner.   Silva’s attack in the park comes completely out of the blue. I was just taking in the details of the previous paragraphs and starting to place where and when the story is set, when the assault by the RAF member started. While the section only lasts a few paragraphs I could feel my heart racing at the sudden change of pace. This is a good technique to engage the reader. This then set my interest at a higher level for the rest of the piece.   One suggestion here might be to lighten slightly the details before the attack. Not by much as it was all well written. It would just ensure that a browsing reader could be engaged slightly quicker.   The second scene was Rolfs. Here the first sentence changes the scene well, while skilfully keeping a semblance of pace from the Park scene. It also manages to quickly capture the essence of Rolf’s outlook. A view which is expanded upon as we are introduced to Mr Stein. The following exchange would be worthy of any great court room drama and quickly reveals the real Rolf.   The third scene with Dobnik, while less enjoyable for me than the first two, is equally well handled. It has a distinctly darker theme and highlights the different shades with which the author paints the scenes. Using this colouring to hint at three different worlds that would eventually collide as the story progresses.   I think this is a Stirling effort that I enjoyed reading. With a small amount of effort to engage the reader as soon as possible, this could be even better! Congratulations to the Author for getting to the Top Ten, a worthy achievement indeed!    I hope you enjoy your re-writing, and good luck! Feedback from Gary, Random House

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1.

The Bowels of the Earth by Veronica Di Grigoli Short Story, Literary Fiction, General Fiction 28 May 2008  What does it feel like to be buried alive? My grandfather spent eight hours tunneling his way out of a collapsed coal mine with his bare hands. This is his story. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Bowels of the Earth What a beautiful, touching story – congratulations on a well-deserved place among July’s Top Ten! Your easily accessible narrative, good pace and eloquent dialogue follow throughout the story and make The Bowels of the Earth a very pleasant read. Your introduction gripped me immediately: A probably middle aged woman finds an old tobacco tin which reminds her of her childhood. This unfolds beautifully into her grandfather’s story: he escaped the "bowels of the earth", the collapse of a mine shaft, whilst all of his colleagues died during the tragic accident. The event shapes him for the rest of his life, both physically and emotionally. There is a certain warmth and sweetness in the atmosphere when the little girl spends time with her granddad, evoked by the naivety of the child, eager to learn about her grandfather’s scars, and by the grandfather’s gentleness when telling his story. You use very beautiful language for both granddaughter and grandfather which brilliantly reveals their characters. Furthermore, the child’s innocent questions and the granddad‘s metaphoric language are very touching and there are many parts to quote from which made me smile or I found moving: "But this time he flung me under one arm as if I were a rolled-up newspaper…" "I could not imagine Grandpa’s skin ever having had a smooth texture. It was how I imagined real dinosaurs' skin to have looked." "It’s like switching off all your senses when you go under ground." "Well, God puts us here on this earth and one day he decides to take us back again. It’s up to him when and how he takes us." "In that 'orrible black water in the dark bowels of the earth, I felt as if I was already dead and my body was decomposing. There’s nothing in the world more beautiful than fresh flowers in the sunshine. It made me feel alive again." The way grandfather and granddaughter engage with each other reflects a relationship full of warmth and gentleness. There seems to exist a deeper relationship between granddaughter and grandfather than between daughter and father. In fact, I found the way the father told his child about grandpa’s dramatic incident slightly unusual: He is less gentle when talking to his 8-year-old child and focuses on the facts of the accident rather than revealing any thoughts or feelings. Having said that, the contrast in language adds to tension and drama, which you start building up earlier: "And when, later on, I did learn how it ended, I wished I had never asked him about that scar in the first place." Moreover, you probably intended to reveal bits of the father-son-relationship? Granddad’s escape from death seems to have turned him into a rather thoughtful, reserved person. His emotional pain has been evident throughout the father’s childhood and they probably never talked about it. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story – maybe you want to write another one, this time focusing on grandma? Having read The Bowels of the Earth, I would certainly read it! Congratulations on a beautiful, warm and moving story! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

2.

The Second Siege by William Burton McCormick Crime, Historical, Novel 12 Jun 2008  A young immigrant in Edwardian London sacrifices family, faith and future to join a group of robbery-backed anarchists only to be viciously betrayed by one among them. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Second Siege Your synopsis really raised my expectations and I was very pleased to see that your story lived up to this promise. Lev is a very likeable young narrator who should be able to bear the weight of your narrative admirably, and you evoked a strong sense of London at this turbulent point in history that was very enjoyable to read. Historical fiction is an increasingly popular genre with readers and I think you’ve hit upon a very strong subject matter in the anarchists as it’s a part of British history that is less well known, and therefore all the more intriguing.  You open with a lovely, grimy description that gives us a real sense of the atmosphere of early twentieth century London and I hope you continue to create such a strong sense of place in the rest of your writing. As I said Lev is an interesting narrator, and I think you captured his struggle to help his family while finding his own path in life very ably. I would have liked to have had a few more details about the different communities and religions at work; I have to confess my ignorance I’m afraid as I wasn’t quite sure what the significance of Elephant being Latvian, rather than Russian was, and this may be something that foxes other readers too without a little more detail. Although you obviously don’t want to overload the narrative with too much explanation a few details here and there would really help to build a picture of the area that would linger in the mind of your readers, and I think it could really bring your story alive. The only, very minor, issue I had with your characterisation of Lev was over whether he would risk trying to untie a bag in Elephant’s house that clearly didn’t contain the books he’d been allowed to look at; I wasn’t sure it was entirely plausible that he would really risk angering someone when just a moment before he’d wondered what Elephant might be capable of doing to him when they were alone on the marsh I do think you could benefit from a little revision of the structure of your opening chapters – you open chapter two with a short scene where Lev returns to Elephant’s house and briefly meets two other men, and then suddenly we seem to have been transported some weeks into the future, after Elephant has committed a violent robbery. I think this sudden switch in time is a little confusing – when you opened your book you didn’t specify what date in January it was so we have no idea if the 24th January is a few days, or a few weeks on from those events which makes it difficult to picture how far down the anarchist path Lev might have gone by this stage. I presume you wanted your readers to feel a sense of disorientation and confusion, akin to the feelings Lev himself must be experiencing at this stage, but I wonder whether it might not be better to open the second chapter with Lev’s arrival at the factory as that very brief meeting at Elephant’s house just seems to confuse matters.  This is a very promising start to your work, and I hope you continue to develop your writing. Good luck! Feedback from Alison, Random House

3.

Songs from the Other Side of the Wall by Tommi Gay/Lesbian Fiction, Literary Fiction 13 Jun 2008  The death of Claire, the woman she loved from afar, forces 17 year-old Hungarian Sandrine, who has only ever thought about the future, to face the past: Claire's hers, and her country's. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Songs from the Other Side of the Wall I want to start by saying how much I enjoyed reading your opening chapters; your voice is very fresh and original, and it was so refreshing to read something that already felt so confident and polished. The Eastern European setting – both the time and location – feels like an area currently underexplored in literature and the introduction of a more thriller-ish element in regards to Sandrine’s boyfriend and the death of Claire is bound to keep readers intrigued. I really hope you carry on with your writing as I felt this was a story with genuine promise.  Sandrine is an engaging, intriguing narrator, slipping from self confidence to self doubt in seconds, and her narration felt very natural and convincing to me. You’d obviously really thought about how she would function as part of the world at large so that even her brief interactions, with the waiter in the bar, with the receptionist at the hostel, felt very plausible and I really liked how aware she was of the gulf between what people expected of her and what she really felt and looked like. I particularly liked her practicality in ‘arranging’ a boyfriend to hide her sexuality as it really gave us an insight into her pragmatic nature while also subtly underlining how difficult it can be, even at this point in history, to be gay.  Your writing is extremely good, very lyrical but always with the aim of moving the story on rather than merely including descriptive language for the sake of it. You had some lovely, very evocative images that worked extremely well; I loved your description of Nicolai at the hostel, and how ‘every bit of him was getting smaller with age except his smile’. There is genuine warmth in that description that not only helps the reader to picture Nicolai but helps us to understand Sandrine further as well. The image of the ghosts jostling the people celebrating on the streets was particularly striking – and really captured for me the feeling of a country caught between the desire for change, and the tragedy of the past.  The only slight false note I felt was in the description of Michael’s father with the red handkerchief in his pocket as that felt a little too stereotypically English to me. Michael’s story could do with a little more polishing I thought; the idea of a man communicating with his son via the internet was a very intriguing one, and tapped into all kinds of concerns about modern technology and the ways in which communication has changed, but I was surprised that Michael had made no attempt to contact Sylvie, especially when he realised she was pregnant with his child? But this is a vey minor query and something you may feel is integral to the story.  One thing it would be good to bear in mind is that when your narrative leaps around in time as yours does, you do need to make it very clear to readers what is happening, when, so they don’t become confused about for example, when Sandrine played the gig, or when exactly Claire was killed. I know you take care to tell us the dates at the beginning of your story but do bear in mind that by including the blog you are almost creating three narratives – the past, present, and internet – and these need to be very distinct so that readers can concentrate on the story, and don’t need to be side tracked by working out which timeline we are in.  I do feel your story holds a great deal of promise so I hope you continue to work on it – your language is wonderful and the only real queries I had were over the structure so I hope this has helped you in your next draft. Congratulations again, and good luck! Feedback from Alison, Random House

4.

Deliverance (Version 3.0) by Janice Tay Novel, Fantasy 30 May 2008  Rored keeps disappearing Elsewhere, the place you go when you sleep, daydream or die. When the dead ask her to take their letters to the living, she reluctantly agrees. But it's the people lost Elsewhere who pose her biggest problem because they want a saviour to take them home: a task that may cost Rored her life. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Deliverance Deliverance is an interesting piece showing some good imagination and direction for a story. I can already see from the submitted text that there great prospects for an engaging story. The concepts of the story’s environment are also engaging with a good mix of ideas bordering on contemporary fantasy. My first area of concern is the fluidity of the piece, which is weakened by a lack of economy of words. There are several chunks of text that simply don’t fit well together or could be excluded all together. For example the first sentence “She could do it. If man could slip through the cracks in another’s soul and into the memories rustling inside, the least she could do was open a door with her mouth.” Could be omitted all together as it feels better just starting the story about a woman struggling with some boxes. This way you can surprise the reader later on with the depth of the setting in a more natural way. Later in the scene I suggest omitting ‘Once the crystal goes, the girl will die.’ As it feels better to just leave it implied. “Rored stiffened as she stepped back into the cold. Winter had snatched the year away before autumn was done with it and now, two weeks past the Spring Festival, still clung to it with the fingers of a sullen child. But Rored did not hurry as she walked down the stairs to her skiff. With the last of her deliveries dropped off, all that remained was for her to get into the vehicle and fly off.” –this is a great sentence. But is followed by this – “She did not move, her eye resting on the long curved lines of the skiff. She’d fallen asleep to the sounds of a storm the night before and had woken up to find that the rain had tear-scarred the grey metal. She should take the skiff home and sponge the streaks off but her hand stayed where it lay on the door.” – which I felt was the complete opposite and could be omitted or refocused. I could go on, but hopefully the above illustrates how, by pruning some of the more superfluous words/sentences, the sentences that really are good get a chance to bloom. The scene in weran’s house could also do with some re-reading. I struggled to see the characters as real. As a parent and picturing myself in that situation the actions of the parents seem detached, more like players reading a script than parents torn apart by grief and poverty. If you could inject some more emotional intensity into this scene it could be fantastic. The scenes in Elsewhere are by far the best of the story, but even there the pace of the story seems to get a little confused in places. Still, it is good, and the concept of the masks is very well done. Later, once Rored and Fae have returned I like the concept of belief being the power and how she uses that to remove her head wound. I also felt that the parents came across better as well. Finally I would like to mention the scene with Rored’s parents. There seems to be lots of history and intrigue injected into the remain story in the piece, but it feels like too much, as if you have forced it in to show how deep the story will become. Again, pruning it down and saving some of the history for later would make it a more fluid and enjoyable read. Well done for getting in the top ten, good luck with Deliverance and I hope my comments will be of some use to you. Feedback from Gary, Random House

5.

The Hikikomori Case by Shuji Nakamura Novel 25 May 2008  What do you do when the world takes everything you care about? More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Hikikomori Case Let me start by saying that I found this piece of work incredibly moving. You chose an incredibly interesting topic to write about, clearly put a lot of effort into researching it and the result is mesmerising. Hikikomori is a subject matter which many people wish to know more about, however there is not a large quantity of literature about this sociological phenomenon on the market. I believe that this fluidly written novel would be very well received.  I loved the intensity of the writing, the strong imagery and the gripping plot. The image of “The Evergreen businessmen” all being found in their individual hotel rooms is shocking and brutal and makes me want to know more.  You have picked up on very human traits which readers will be able to relate to. The protagonist comes across as very brave and honest when it comes to discussing his feelings and the effects of his condition. Raw emotion comes across which I found haunting, particularly his regret of not being able to show his father any emotion on the night he was to commit suicide. This may not be immediately applicable to many readers but regret is a universal theme. I also find interesting how people in the medical profession react to your character, dealing with his condition in such an inadequate fashion. I would love to read the rest of the narrative, this is a very informative novel and I hope that it continues in the same gripping manner and maintains its intensity without straying far from being accessible.   Good luck! Feedback from Marisa, Random House

6.

Symbolic Behaviour Emporium by Cope - Walker Short Story, Comedy, Science Fiction 03 Jun 2008 Augustus Podd is a salesman of the near future who is less than successful. Until, that is, he discovers a wonderful new technology which threatens to turn his career around. Unfortunately, Podd is a man cursed with bad luck and soon discovers every silver lining has a black cloud. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Symbolic Behaviour Emporium Firstly, congratulations on making it into the Top Ten.  Short stories are notoriously difficult to write and tough to market, and it’s a truism that comedy is harder to master than tragedy, so you certainly set yourselves a challenge. I liked the anecdote regarding how the story came about; spellcheckers have their uses, but should never be relied on completely. A good short story, however short, should convey an atmosphere and sense of place, and your story is brimming with detail. I had a clear picture of Augustus Podd’s desperate and depressing life as a downtrodden salesman, and winced along with him as he failed to sell his vacuum cleaners. That said, to use an old cliché, when writing comedy, less is often more. I had the feeling that bits of the story were planted one-liners and some of the characters, especially the Russian shot-putter, a little too stereotypical. Podd’s previous jobs will certainly bring a smile to the faces of many of your readers, but perhaps it’s best to take a more subtle approach and refrain from expanding on all of them. These paragraphs read a bit like a series of disconnected jokes; you could think about sticking to one or two and integrating them more into the story. By narrowing the focus, you would avoid the risk of over-playing the humour. The exploding sex dolls, rampant robots and NAL probe did make me smirk, but it was a bit of a barrage for one short story. Again, quirky similes can lift a story, but should be used sparingly for maximum creative impact. On page one alone, we have ‘like the legs of some cross dressing spider’, ‘like the zoom lens on a camera’ and ‘like deep sea pearl divers’. You’ve used some interesting similes, so allow your readers some time to ruminate on them. Overall, I think the premise is a good one. I like the idea of the DUPE 2000 and the GT 3000 and there’s scope to investigate the possibilities of these machines further. With a bit of tightening, selecting the humorous bits that work best and expanding on those, the story could work quite well. It won’t be for everyone, as some of the humour is a little risqué, but well done and good luck with your writing. Feedback from Ellie, Random House

7.

This World and the Next by JW Hicks Science Fiction 05 Mar 2008  When you've sunk to the bottom of the heap, where next? More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on This World and the Next You have produced a very futuristic, political piece of writing – congratulations on your successful entry! You describe the class system very well by featuring a family with three children who live in ComColl. Pa becomes unemployed, hence, the family is moved to the disadvantaged part known as Pool. Even though it is certainly a sad and devastating situation the family finds themselves in when Pa loses his work, it is by far more dramatic in This World and the Next: The loss of work imminently results in the family being relocated to a worse part of the futuristic world, in other words they are pushed out of their familiar surroundings to Pool which seems to symbolise the bottom of the food chain.  You greatly support drama and tension by bringing in Faith’s thoughts on the way to Pool:  "Don‘t want to look ahead, don‘t want to see those towers grow, don’t wanna be sucked in…" "Don’t want to look, don’t want to count. Once inside I’ll be a Pooler…" The reader certainly fears the worst of this place and feels for the family on their way to Pool. It comes as a little relief when we learn that the family will probably escape any burglary, however, I feel that you should probably focus on something even more positive, for instance, a glimpse of hope to escape Pool altogether. To end the third chapter on a more positive note will probably appeal to a wider audience, especially to those who may not read science fiction stories regularly.  I found the biblical names of the children, Saul, Zephaniah and Faith, very interesting; especially in this futuristic science fiction piece they are rather striking. In order to be able to put these names into context, you ought to focus a bit more on their individual roles: What characterizes the three children? What distinguished them? I’m sure their role becomes clearer if you extended on their behaviours, manners and thoughts.  I especially warmed to Mae, even though she seemed to be quite cold and strict at first. When she helps Morris Cole, the readers get to know another side of her, the social, helpful side. Her different characteristics make her an interesting character – well done!  The language you use perfectly reflects the type of your writing. Nevertheless, I found it hard to follow; especially at the beginning it takes a while to familiarise with the language. I wonder whether it helped the reader if they were an introduction and little descriptions in between the different dialogues in a more accessible language.  A great attempt to a science fiction novel and well done for having achieved the Top Ten for two consecutive months! I wish you all the best with it! Feedback from Nicole, Random House

8.

Old Horses by B. F. Thor Literary Fiction 05 Jun 2008 Meet Louis and his best friend Campbell Feathers; two teenage wildmen trapped, temporarily, in small town hell. Louis's idea of rebellion is adding apostrophes to road signs, whereas Campbell Feathers unselfconciously inhabits an adult world of drink, drugs and illicit sex with his Mother's friend Barbara (or so he claims). More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Old Horses Old Horses, your coming of age story immediately engaged me with its strong eccentric yet extraordinarily realistic characters.  The less confident of the two childhood friends, is our narrator Louis who tells of his friendship with the enigmatic Campbell Feathers whilst they are at school together in the small town of Gordonsfield .  Despite the fact that the plot is a familiar one, you do not lose your readers’ interest due to the attention to detail and your uncanny knowledge of the inner workings of the minds of sixteen year old boys and their need for shock value. The writing is good, fast paced and full of humorous ironies.  Campbell ’s relationship with his parents for instance.  It would be interesting to read more about it, perhaps additional information is discovered in the later chapters?   I made an immediate effortless connection with the protagonist thanks to your magnificent portrayal of this exciting character from the very first chapter which left me open to experience all sorts of emotions throughout the novel.  These four chapters left me wishing I could devour the entire story and find out what happens to these young men.  I wish you the best of luck! Feedback from Marisa, Random House

9.

The Shattered Mirror by Nick Poole Historical, Novel, Fantasy 27 May 2008 "All Faith is false, all Faith is true: Truth is the shattered mirror strown In myriad bits; while each believes His little bit the whole to own." Sir Richard Francis Burton (1821 - 1890). Thomas Grimes returns to England. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Shattered Mirror The shattered mirror is voyage into Surreality... Following the story of a deformed pirate, a fairy, an near-immortal witch, two characters of fictional legend and the mysterious Mr Bliss placed in a grim Victorian historic novel.  Very bizarre and yet very readable! Every character is well conceived and voiced. Thomas Grimes is one of the most interesting characters I have read about in a while. A monster of a man who wears his bitterness on his sleeve; tortured, lonely, yet strong and compelling. It reminded me of a dark, David Gemmell style hero in the making! Also, at one point he is referred to as Tommy Grimes, while also discussing the slave trade to the Americas, and this reminded me of writing “The Death of Tommy Grimes” (A most disturbing piece of writing about Tommy killing his first Negro) and wondered if you were infusing another past fictional character in to the story, or if it was coincidence. Mr Ebenezer Bliss is also a fantastic and well visualised character. I noticed that the author is good at helping the reader picture the character in great detail, not in huge lumps of descriptive text, but subtle through out the narrative. There are also some very string sections of dialog all the way through, especially between Mr Grimes and Mr Bliss, until the meeting with the Sibyl. The prophecy section, with the supposedly cryptic riddle, were a little uncomfortable for me. I think it was a little forced and did not flow with the same quality as the rest of the piece. When done well this can be a powerful tool (Tolkien was the grand master) but I don’t think it is the author’s strength. I would have preferred more of that great dialog like we see everywhere else in the piece. My last comment is on the section with Sherlock Holmes. While Holmes and Watson were well voiced, I thought the way the legendary characters were introduced to the piece reminded me of a children’s novel, (the repeated use of 221b Baker Street for example) as if you were grandly announcing them, which was disappointing. Done with more subtlety, so that the reader slowly realises that it is THE Holmes, would be better in my opinion. You have to be careful when using such established characters for accuracy and placement in that characters timeline. (For example, you set the story in 1888, but I believe Watson was married the year before and left Sherlock’s company for a couple of years before his wife’s death – though I could be wrong)                                                                           Still, over all a very imaginative, bold and surreal story that I found very enjoyable to read. I wish the author luck in developing these characters, and Thomas Grimes adventures further. Feedback from Gary, Random House

10.

Two for the Crow by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Mystery, Novel, Womens Fiction 22 May 2008 It's l961 and Theda Bara Falco is fourteen. Catholic school is out for the summer, and neighborhood life is simple for Theda and her friend, Nadine. Until the lazy summer day Nadine Lupinski goes missing. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Two for the Crow I really enjoyed reading this extract. You capture the voice of your young narrator incredibly well; Theda comes across as lively and exuberant, and her energy as she’s racing around town ensures that the narrative pace doesn’t suffer as you set the scene in these opening pages. Dialogue can prove difficult to execute convincingly, but you convey the varying ages and personalities of your characters well, with a nice contrast between the prim but kindly ladies on Greenwald Blvd. and the girls’ mothers, one a feisty single mother, the other an industrious housewife. Equally, you successfully root your story, conjuring up the South, with Little Richard on the hi-fi and the sticky heat confining people to the shade of their verandas, enjoying a glass of lemonade. I also liked the prologue; it felt slightly filmic, following Mashpea, Theda’s cat, as he chases a mouse, offering a different perspective from the following chapters. You’ve successfully avoided falling into cliché in this extract, but one thing I would be looking out for would be how you develop certain storylines, such as the mysterious bruises on Nadine’s back, Theda’s mother’s relationship with Father Abruzzi , and his relationship with the altar boys he entertains at his cottage. Dubious priests and abusive male relations are tried-and-tested characters, and can be used to great effect, but do try to use them in an original way, making your story stand out from the crowd. Congratulations on an intriguing story, there’s an uneasy, eerie sense of foreboding building as to exactly what has happened to Nadine and I’m confident that whatever the outcome, it makes for exciting reading. Feedback from Ellie, Random House Click here to view previous months reviews