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Thank you Princesisto
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 13 Sep 2018, 15:24 #239022 Reply To Post
Hi Jack
I do thank you for your review, but we will have to agree to disagree on the content. As stated this is a true story with, I hope, a point to make about how health and safety in the workplace has changed. I did try to add some entertainment value, but IMO to add elements of fantasy would undermine the message. I also think it would be misleading to make up physical and emotional consequences for dramatic purposes.
Thanks again for your thoughts and good luck with your own writing. Stuart
 15 Sep 2018, 22:34 #239030 Reply To Post
Don't mention it!

I understand what you are trying to do.

Best of luck

 15 Sep 2018, 22:35 #239031 Reply To Post
Don't mention it!

I understand what you are trying to do.

Best of luck

 16 Sep 2018, 14:21 #239035 Reply To Post
Thank you, Carters for your new review of Liberation Princess.

You have given me many things to think about and I shall certainly be thinking a lot.

Some initial reactions: first, it's very funny that people always tell me I have too much dialogue and not enough description. So I chopped a lot of dialogue and replaced it with description. Now, you are saying I have too much description and not enough character interaction. I guess that is the nature of this review process. +1 -1 +1 -1.

I really cannot understand how the death of the President is unrealistic. She took a through-and-through pistol shot from the Plaza through the back of her neck and out her forehead up to the ceiling of the balcony. The only other thing she might do is shake a lot: do I need to put that in too? I didn't want it to become a horror story.

I was always saying "What will she (the President, the Princess, Sal) do?" "What will they do?" "What will he do?". Of course, most of the adults will run to try to get a doctor or ambulance and some will go to the soldiers and ask them to protect the balcony so they don't all get shot (not knowing that their commander was the one who fired the shot!). I cannot imagine the 9 year old thinking like that. She would just think "Oh my God, My Senora!" and get to her however she can. But when she gets to the President, she will realise that there is actually nothing she can do. So she will just hold her, keep trying to "wake her up" and eventually wind up "screaming like a banshee" when she realises that the President is really dead. The people around, if they are not running for help, are just going to be in shock and watching the little girl, wondering what she is doing. Sal might want to run to the Princess but the balcony is too crowded and she is not going crawl under them the way her daughter does. Bob would be thinking "Let her have her time with the President, let her make her peace" and we need to keep him in place to stop her when she lunges for the General.

Did I miss something?

I know that this scene is very important and I want to get it right. I have been accused of "underplaying" it before and thought I fixed it by letting the Princess suffer a little longer.

As I said in other comments, the "Sun opening" was added almost as a joke but other reviewers seemed to like it. It certainly explains the setting better for those who do not know Guatemala.

I had the idea for "target markets" that I would try to include everyone who might like something in the story. You have a different idea, more targeted. Everyone tells me it is Young Adults although I thought all ages might like it. It started out as a comedy because the Princess' dialogue and many songs are naturally funny. I doubted that little children might understand a lot of what the Princess does - trying to kill the General, Operation Bob, the social media parts - and the vocabulary is not written "down" for them to understand easily.

I always thought fantasy = not possible now = therefore, future. There is a lot of science fiction/fantasy in the background from the Green Princess Chapter that precedes this one: bullet trains, not planes; the ICT; the World Bank's "cashless society"; the LSCM screens that project images into the room in 3D; the iPerformance Super Tourers (the electric hybrid SUV that BMW promised to build but dropped this year). I was told that fantasy need not have magic and witches but if this will disappoint fantasy readers then maybe I have to think differently.

On the other things, I see much good advice that needs more thought on my part. Thinking is the first step in learning (I say as a teacher), so thank you for that.


 16 Sep 2018, 17:47 #239036 Reply To Post
Hi Jack
Reviewing is a subjective business and you will get conflicting views/advice, so it is always wise to wait for a consensus. And, as I said, they were my personal opinions and I could be wrong. But all we can do here is give honest feedback. So, to clarify, the reason I thought the ‘president assassination’ scene unrealistic was that I can’t imagine a nine year old girl being allowed to approach and touch the felled head of state. Whichever side, the president’s personal protection or the assassins, had control they would assert it by force and clear out anyone who was not part of their team. Just look at any assassination/attempted assassination of a world leader (or a pope) to see what I mean.

It also didn’t ring true that the general would ask a nine year old if his victim was dead. Surely he would want to be certain, and finish the job if required.
Just turning your thought on fantasy on its head. If you were to drop the fantasy label I can’t imagine many readers/reviewers saying, ‘I think this should be tagged as fantasy.’
At the end of the day this is your story, and I can see you have the passion and determination to make it work. I wish you luck with your endeavours.
 17 Sep 2018, 05:49 #239041 Reply To Post
OK thank you, I understand much better.

Just briefly, this is not a public place. Not like one of President Trump's (or Prime Minister May's) rallies. This is the partially-enclosed balcony of the Green Palace, on a rather high 2nd floor. The "room" is small and everyone there is the personal invitee of the President, including the Princess and her family. There is literally no security. The Army is controlling entrance downstairs. It is a short crawl for the Princess to get to the President and the bystanders are in shock. They don't understand what she is doing until she gets to the President. They know that the President and Princess were very close, so they do not feel moved to challenge her. If a child had crawled in from the street it might have been a different story . . . .

Certainly, Guatemalan Presidents can have a lot of security, especially ex-Army officers, but this President was very much a populist and she is talking from the balcony to the people in the Plaza in front of the Palace. The assassination is totally unexpected and there would have been no need for security on the balcony.

The General is not asking for a medical report from a child. He knows the answer. He can see the trajectory of the bullet (that is why he is smiling at the ceiling) the bullet hole and the motionless victim. He is a professional, trained in Quantico. He almost can't believe his luck, because it was a tricky shot from the Plaza through the balcony, so he sort of wants to hear the Princess say it, since she is there and full of blood. It is also giving her, and the bystanders, a message, like "Do you understand who is the President now?" She gets it: that is why she tries to kill him.

OK, I am convinced on the fantasy. I will take the tag off and try to target the tags tightly. I will also look at the punctuation and writing issues and amend the story.



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