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Thank you JohnJane for your review of Goodbye my Lover << Return To Main Site

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Thank you JohnJane for your review of Goodbye my Lover
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Kasia
 14 Apr 2012, 13:28 #147504 Reply To Post
I would love to dismiss your comments, but 1) your writing is sublime (your first chapter is a brilliant example of starting in the right place and laying down hooks) and 2) I know (deep down) my opening is bitty and messy. The novel used to open on chapter four (the snippet), but I needed to give some flavour of the marriage and how the couple had got to this point.

You have made me look at the opening with fresh eyes. I'm going to ditch chapter one and two and focus on the travel diary as the opener (prologue), and make more of it (as way of conveying the necessary back story). I would love for you to look at it again, when I have done the rewrite. I hope that will be possible.

Good luck with your novel and thank you again.
This post was last edited by Kasia, 14 Apr 2012, 13:29
nhemyers
 14 Apr 2012, 13:58 #147506 Reply To Post
I read Goodbye My Lover, because of some comment on a bad review, all 1s, I think. Please do not ditch! Just polish. The emotions there are raw and real. I do agree with it being less fluent than the later chapters but be patient and give it the same attention and polish.

Many persons out there going through stuff need to have it real. In a plethora of novels, with demons, other spirits, shapeshifters etc. this one is refreshingly real.
This post was last edited by nhemyers, 14 Apr 2012, 14:31
Kasia
 14 Apr 2012, 14:55 #147508 Reply To Post
Hi there, don't worry I am not ditching it (at all), but the last comment I got has clarified for me how the opening will work best (though I will have both openings up here to compare feedback). Thank you for your encouragement it is really appreciated. When a writer comes along who is much better than me, it is always worth taking notice of what they say - and JohnJane is far better than me and has given me some great help.

PERRY
 15 Apr 2012, 05:16 #147526 Reply To Post
I have to say that although I don't feel up to reviewing at the moment, I did have a look and was immediately drawn in to the point I had to extract myself.

If this story becomes depressing, it is because it is a depressing topic and I found the staccato style a perfect reflection of hospital existence, having just been in for an op myself.

Why? Because though the patient's inclination is towards cohesive thought, there is the constant waiting for something to be done, a doctor or nurse to arrive, or simply the physiological effects of the medication. Things happen in bytes in a hospital. Sounds distract.

I'd keep that start exactly as is.
Kasia
 15 Apr 2012, 10:49 #147552 Reply To Post
Thank you Perry, that was what I was going for in that scene, flitting thoughts, up and down emotions and yes that waiting always waiting. I hope you are recovering from your recent op and will be back to full health soon.

I will keep both openings up here and see how readers respond to each one - that will give me a clearer picture of the best starting point.
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