Out of Body (revised) Author : C S Abrahams


Dear C.S. Abrahams,
Congratulations on being chosen for a professional review. I was intrigued by your premise, which is very imaginative, and enjoyed the section of your story I read very much. I think you have all the elements here for a strong supernatural novel, and most of my notes are about developing what you have; slowing things down to allow the book to be bigger in feel. I hope they are of some use to you.

Iris
I liked the immediacy of Iris’s voice and the way you introduce her to your readers so directly. She is sparky and fresh and witty – and a different character in the genre. I am not totally sure that she is always consistent in her voice, however. She switches from not really being a people person, for example, to being bothered about social etiquette very quickly. Perhaps she could start out as unwaveringly anti-social, and we can see Tobey draw her out of it as the story progresses?
I also really like that she doesn’t feel self-indulgent or angst-ridden. But having said earlier that she stood out from many other heroines in this genre I think you do need to soften her just a little to allow us to grow to like her as a character and to be on her side as the story progresses.
It would be great to slow down the opening chapters a little, I think. Allowing us to get to know her better and see her life more intimately will make us care more deeply as the dramatic events start to unfold. Things like the relationship between her and her mother, for example, might be good to tease out in smaller details rather than all in one go.

Iris and Tobey
These are potentially two very strong characters, and a great couple, but again I think you could really afford to slow things down and let your readers relish in the build up of their relationship. I wonder whether you’d thought about having Tobey and Iris grow closer before he reveals why he’s around? They could still meet on the beach, but he wouldn’t reveal anything until much later – maybe even allowing Iris to learn for herself making her more proactive? I do think this would help to build the drama and intensity, as we’ll be guessing at what mystery Tobey is hiding for longer.

Tobey
I also think that in allowing the relationship to slowly develop it would make him more real as a character. He’s obviously very brooding and attractive, but I think there’s scope for us to slowly, through Iris, learn more about him, knowing there is something mysterious about him and wanting him to be honest with Iris.
At the moment, I do think it’s too obvious that Tobey is going to turn out to be a ghost. As I mentioned earlier, if you were to perhaps feed out the details of Iris’s final moments with her mother more slowly, and build up the relationship between her and Tobey more slowly then this might not be so obvious.

Action
It’s hard to judge this completely after only reading a few sample chapters, (which are paced well) but I’d suggest making sure you have enough action and intensity throughout the rest of the novel. Iris’s voice is distinctive and will carry your readers on to a point, but there needs to be some scenes of real excitement.
Your synopsis suggests that there will definitely be some, and in fact the book almost seems to become thriller-like. It would be good, I think to get a sense of this right from the start.

As I said, I do think all the elements are there to make this a strong novel, but I feel that I should warn you that this area of the YA market is very, very crowded indeed. I would suggest developing Iris as a distinctive heroine, with a strong voice throughout, to match your innovative premise and also making sure that the thriller aspects of your novel are just as strong as the romance, the supernatural and the characters.
I’m sure all these elements will come together brilliantly to make a fantastic piece of work, and I wish you the very best of luck with it.

Ruth Knowles
Random House

Ted

Please pass on my thanks to Ruth Knowles for her feedback. After reading it, I'm buzzing with ideas and am so grateful for the opportunity to get this critique.

Caz

Right back at ya, Gail. Well done all. Really positive stuff.

xx

Yes, well done, all of you. What positive feedback and so well deserved. Chuffed to bits for you.

Thank you Ruth!