The free website to help new writers to develop, and to help talented writers get noticed and published Books
   
NEW - Orion Reviews << Return To Main Site

 Welcome to the YouWriteOn Forum

**News Random House & Orion Editors to continue free reviews of YouWriteOn Top Ten Writer  - publishers of many of the world's bestselling authors 

YouWriteOn Authors'  Congratulations to our many authors achieving sales and signings successes through  Waterstones, Amazon and others! 

YouWriteOn Message Board > The YouWriteOn Forum > The Professional Critiques Forum Help Search Recent Posts
NEW - Orion Reviews
Page 1 Last : 2 > Start New Topic Reply To Topic
ProfessionalCritique
 23 Jul 2011, 12:45 #124687 Reply To Post
Orion are part of the Hatchette publishing group, whose authors include Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer and Ian Rankin.

Each month on YouWriteOn.com editors from Orion and Random House provide an indepth critique of up to three highly rated YouWriteOn Top Ten novel openings, and mini-reviews of the rest of the top ten stories. This aims to assist all authors in their story development by giving feedback as to what editors are looking for in novel submitted to them.


Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under June 1st for 2011
ProfessionalCritique
 23 Jul 2011, 12:45 #124688 Reply To Post
Orion Editor critique of THE POMELO TREE

Dear Ann Bennett

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your early pages of THE POMELO TREE and thought these early pages showed much promise. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses. I will broadly discuss the main elements of your narrative, as well as refer to specific page references to illustrate some of my points.

Structure:

Structure is the backbone of any story. If the skeleton of your narrative is sound in structure, this will enhance the pace and flow of the story. By having a time-split dual narrative, and alternating the chapters, you should ensure that the reader never tires of one storyline before it switches to the other. This should give the story added depth and texture.

Rather than linear flashbacks, from what I can gauge from the synopsis, the historical strand will jump in time frame rather than be sequentially linear. Again, this will bring more depth to that storyline as the reader has to be more engaged with the narrative to understand how it all interlinks.

In comparison, it seems Laura’s storyline will be linear, which is fitting for her strand which involves unravelling the history of a grandfather’s POW past.

Plot:

I thought the prologue was a strong opening and was vividly depicted, really placing the reader there alongside Tom. You hook the reader and align them with the character.

From these early chapters, it definitely feels like the historical strand has more depth and drama than the contemporary strand. The problem with having the flashbacks is that the reader is placed in a position where they know more than the main character (Laura). So that sense of mystery and intrigue is lost as the reader waits for the protagonist to catch up with them. I think you need to work on bringing more sub-plots in to the contemporary strand. While there is mention of Laura’s fractious relationship with her mother, which is potentially involving and dramatic, I think there needs to be a greater mystery within this strand if the reader is to remain actively engage and compelled to keep turning the pages. Perhaps Laura could have a secret of her own? And this is only hinted at at the beginning, so the reader must read on to find out what it is. This is only a suggestion of course, but I think serious consideration needs to be paid to the contemporary storyline if the novel is to feel balanced and compelling throughout, rather than a novel of two halves.

It was hard to judge from the synopsis alone, but will the historical strand feature flashbacks of Tom and Joy’s romance? I think this is important, as it will not only open up the story (as Tom’s strand risks being too much about torture and deprivation) but also bring much-needed emotion and poignancy to this strand, as well as show another side to Tom.

Characterisation:

While the plot can at times be dramatic, this feels like more of a character-led novel that plot-driven one. And so the success of your novel hinges on your characterisation.

I thought Tom was a fantastic character – you really get a sense of his determination and spirit in these early pages. One small word of advice: ensure he is not completely altruistic and without fault. He seems to be completely selfless and compelled by his moral code, but I think for his character to have depth and realism, we also have to be able to see his flaws. After all, nobody is perfect.

Tying in with my comments on how the contemporary strands isn’t quite as strong as the historical strand, I also felt that Laura wasn’t particularly captivating as a protagonist. She is presented as just an ordinary young mum. And while the reader has to be able to identify her and recognise her, and so you want her to seem fairly familiar and normal, you also need to work on highlighting what is distinctive and individual about her. At present, her portrayal feels a little bland and insipid, and as a reader, I haven’t been pulled into her story in the same way that I have Tom’s. You really need to work on getting under her skin and bringing her alive as a character. Explore the unexpected about her, not just the superficial.

Setting:

While setting is the backdrop for any story, when you are setting your narrative in foreign climes, and especially when it is set in another era, setting becomes an important facet of your narrative. It is a way to place your story, conjure up a vanished world and really transport your reader there. And you really achieve this, in both the historical strand, and also in the contemporary strand with its descriptions of the building where Tom now lives.

Genre/Market:

You rightly class this as historical and general fiction. In terms of market, this will largely appeal to a female demographic given the female protagonist, and I think it will appeal to 30+ readers.

A small point but historical novels are often meaty, epic, sweeping stories. Yours seems like it will be quite narrow in scope, from what I have read from the synopsis. But hopefully through rewriting it and really playing out the drama for the reader, it will broaden your story and make it feel more epic.

Synopsis:

I thought your synopsis was succinct and concise. It is focused and gives the reader a real taste of what the story is about.

Title:

I wasn’t entirely convinced by the title. It doesn’t really convey what the story is about and doesn’t really provoke a reaction in the reader. It is quite a bland, forgettable title. I think this is something you might want to reconsider before approaching an agent. You want something quite memorable, that both sums the story up and provokes an emotional response in the reader.

Page notes:

p.5: ‘That would soon pass, of course’ – why of course?

p.6: thought this was a poignant and dramatic end to the prologue.

p.8: ‘She had put the incident to the back of her mind…’ You have a tendency to overstate at times. The reader can sense she thinks nothing more of the encounter so this doesn’t need to be stated.

p.10: ‘You’ll see, Laura. You’ll see’ – bit of an odd response to someone who’s asking after the health of their frail grandfather.

p.11: ‘She shut the door behind her, propped the buggy next to the bicycle and stool still for a second’ – as well as a tendency to overstate, you also at times include too much unnecessary information. The reader doesn’t need to know every action that Laura does. Remember, less is more. If you give too much unnecessary detail, the prose will start to feel unfocused and drawn out.

p.15: ‘Her old ginger cat’s had another litter…’ – I found this conversation a little dull and pedestrian. It doesn’t reveal an awful lot about the characters. I think you really need to work on this section if you are to keep the reader hooked.

p.17: ‘She was shocked’ – show, don’t tell. The reader can guess this from Laura’s reaction. You don’t need to verbalise it. Remember, less is more.

Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and this marks a promising start. With some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine
ProfessionalCritique
 23 Jul 2011, 12:47 #124690 Reply To Post
Professional mini critique for The Transition of Ellie Foster by Carolann Kaiser

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your short story and was impressed by the confidence of your writing. It’s clear you are a natural storyteller. The strongest element of the narrative was the characterisation. Each voice felt true and distinctive. Memorable title as well. My only criticism seems to be that it ends rather abruptly. I think the focus needs to be brought back to Ellie and have the last line from her POV, perhaps an insightful remark, something that will linger with the reader. As it stands, the ending feels a little underwhelming.


Professional mini critique for No Time for Losers by Claire Whatley


Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your short story. And I’m sure this is a story that a lot of parents will be able to relate to! You set up the story adeptly and the reader really experiences Annie’s frustration and anger alongside her. I did think the ending was a little too pat though with Adam’s sudden transformation, Sophie’s equally sudden degradation and Annie’s grudging acceptance. I was also left to wonder what Adam’s novel was about – was it about his family, given the title?


Professional mini critique for Soloman Says: The Blackmailer by Timothy Saint

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your short story. I have read a number of other Soloman Says short stories and they are never less than involving. Like the others, this was never quite as it seemed and the unexpected twist not only gave the story an extra angle from which to view it, but also a sense of poignancy. Grahame was brilliantly depicted. At first seemingly dirty, uncaring and even sadistic (how he gets pleasure from ‘blackmailing’) it’s suddenly revealed that at heart he’s still a child, dependent on his mother.


Professional mini critique for Driving Sideways by Willow55

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading these early pages of your novel and thought it was a promising opening. Ellie is a strongly drawn protagonist. Given the first person narrative and Ellie’s apparent openness and frankness, the tone is one of intimacy, as though the reader is privy to Ellie’s thoughts and dreams like no one else is. Good title too – intriguing and intrinsic to the story. I did think Ellie’s ‘foibles’ and quirks could be heightened a bit more to really demonstrate how different she is from those around her, and how indelibly the past has affected her.
ProfessionalCritique
 23 Jul 2011, 12:48 #124691 Reply To Post
Orion Editor Critique of THE ASSISTANT

Dear Jonathan Skinner

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your early pages of THE ASSISTANT and thought these opening chapters showed potential. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses. My editorial comments take the form of overarching notes followed by more specific line notes.

Structure:

From these opening pages and from what I can gauge from the synopsis, the novel seems to be structured entirely from Stuart’s POV (point of view). It’s also seems to be chronological and completely linear, with no sub-plots or additional storylines woven through. Subplots offer texture and variance within the narrative, as well as relief from the main storyline, ensuring the reader never tires of a strand. By only have one narrative thread, my concern is that the story doesn’t have the momentum and dramatic drive for this to be a compelling, involving read. In short, I wondered how you could sustain this story for the length of an entire novel. On paper, it very much reads like a short story or at most a novella. And I think you need to work on expanding the scope of your story to get around this.

A small point but I did start to find the constant interruption of the ‘pings’ and ‘phschews’ rather irritating. I understand this is to reflect Stuart’s own irritation, but I think this could be portrayed in a way that isn’t so grating on the reader.

Plot:

Tying in with my comments on structure, I think the plot is quite limited in scope and dramatic potential. While it has an interesting premise, I worry that by intensely focusing on the central concept, the narrative will feel claustrophobic and rather stagnant at times. In short, I think you risk having the narrative feel repetitive in terms of plot.

The story arc felt a little predictable and I think you need to opt for the unexpected and introduce some twists and turns to keep the reader engaged. I liked the summary of the ending: both unexpected and thought-provoking, leaving the reader to question whether Stuart really has been imagining everything or if it’s all too real.

Characterisation:

Again, from reading your synopsis, it seems that Stuart and Anna are the only two characters that will really feature in the book. While you will really be able to delve into their own personalities and their relationship, I’m concerned that by only having two characters, your story will feel extremely narrow in scope.

Stuart is an engaging, interesting protagonist yet from these early pages I don’t feel he is distinct or charismatic enough to carry the weight of the entire narrative for the length of the novel. At times he feels rather under-drawn and I worry that his depiction is a little superficial. You need to work on really get under his skin as a protagonist. If he doesn’t captivate the reader in the first chapter, you risk losing their engagement altogether.

Anna is an intriguing character but at times she didn’t quite convince. Of course there’s a certain level of suspension of disbelief needed on the reader’s behalf, but I felt a lot of the language she used jarred with what we were being told about her. I also wondered how Anna could actually see Stuart?

One suggestion of an area where the narrative could be developed and would in turn widen the scope of the novel would be to have a narrator relaying Stuart’s story to the reader. After all, we find out later that he is schizophrenic, so this literary device could have more meaning as the novel progresses. By having a narrator, it also allows the reader to view Stuart from another perspective and angle, rather than quite a narrow view.

Setting:

The novel seems like it will play out entirely within the four walls of Stuart’s flat (as well as the confines of the computer screen, too). Again, I think by limiting the variety and breadth of your settings, the novel may begin to feel tedious and repetitive to your reader.

I think the flat needs to have more of a presence. After all, this is the only place that Stuart has been in the last two years – it is both his home and his world. You need to explore this, and really give the reader a sense of the setting. It might be just an average flat, but to Stuart it is much more than that.

Tone:

As I often tell aspiring writers, tone is one of the most important elements of a novel, but also one of the hardest to master. If the tone of a novel isn’t pitched right, you compromise the reader’s engagement with your characters and narrative. You describe the novel as a comedy, but to be entirely honest, I felt that the humour fell a little flat in a lot of places. It felt very obvious at times and almost predictable. I think that in order to successfully mine the comedy from Stuart’s situation, you need to sidestep the obvious and explore the eccentric and the quirkiness. It is this that will either be able to elevate the novel and really capture the reader’s imagination, or if mishandled, may very well disengage a reader.

Tying in with my suggestion about incorporating a narration into the novel, this could be an effective way to really play with the tone of the novel. The narrator could deliver his view in quite a darkly humorous, quirky manner. Something that springs to mind is Lemony Snicket – it is that dark, sinister yet wickedly funny authorial voice that really lingers with the reader.

Genre/Market:

As discussed, you describe the novel as both a comedy and general fiction. In the commercial fiction market, comedies are an incredibly tough area of the market. A novel needs to sparkle with wit, insight and an unusual comic edge if it is to stand out in a crowded marketplace. And I think your novel needs a lot of revision before it could be close to this stage. As I have said, you need to focus on the unusual and extraordinary aspects of the story, and not tread a well-worn, predictable narrative path. You need to keep the reader guessing.

Line-by-line notes:

‘As usual, none of the furniture answers’ – an example of where you state the obvious and so the intended humour falls flat. Just as an example, something more along the lines of ‘It never bothered Stuart that the furniture never answered. He was used to one-sided conversations. In fact, he preferred them.’ Gives the reader much more insight into the character and is also more intriguing.

‘He takes another drag on his cig’ – this slang abbreviation jars in prose. ‘Cig’ would be fine in dialogue but doesn’t sit well in prose, when it is not in the character’s own voice.

‘looks decidedly uncomfortable’ – show the reader how he’s uncomfortable, don’t tell them that he is.

‘Stuart spends the next hour loading files and data...’ – I found this section rather dry and uninspired. You don’t need to give the reader a minute-by-minute account of Stuart’s day. The narrative needs to entertain the reader at all times. If it isn’t serving that purpose, it needs to be cut.

‘he shambles... he toddles’ – odd descriptions.

‘Stuart grunts in protest at Kirsty’s lengthy and rather too chirpy introduction’ – the reader has just witnessed her ‘chirpy introduction’ so there is no need to state that it’s a ‘chirpy introduction’. Remember, less is more. You don’t need to overstate to the reader.

‘Stuart’s laugh sets off a wheezing, cackling, belly-wobbling coughing fit’ – overly descriptive. Sounds like a line out of a children’s novel rather than an adult novel.

‘fresh cuppa’ – again, the slang term jars in prose. Avoid.

‘Later on, lunch is a large deep-pan pepperoni accompanied by more daytime TV, followed by a snooze’ – again, the reader doesn’t need to know a blow-by-blow account of Stuart’s day. This seems like rather lazy storytelling as this isn’t entertaining the reader – it’s just a quick and convenient way to provide information swiftly.

‘A silvery tickly laugh full of gaiety and mischief’ – again, too descriptive and sounds like something out of a children’s novel.

‘He is all innocence. ‘What was?’...’ – this exchange feels a little laboured and predictable. The humour misfires here. Go for the original and unusual angle. And remember that less is more.

Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in relatively good shape, and this marks a promising start. With some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine
AnnB
 23 Jul 2011, 19:47 #124755 Reply To Post
Quote: ProfessionalCritique, Saturday, 23 Jul 2011 12:45
Orion Editor critique of THE POMELO TREE


Dear Natalie,

Thank you very much for your encouraging critique of the Pomelo Tree and for all the useful ideas, which I'll incorporate into my re-write. I think you're right about the title - so will try to come up with something more distinctive.

Kind Regards,

Ann



willow55
 24 Jul 2011, 01:30 #124803 Reply To Post
Quote: ProfessionalCritique, Saturday, 23 Jul 2011 12:45
Orion Editor critique of THE POMELO TREE

Dear Ann Bennett

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your early pages of THE POMELO TREE and thought these early pages showed much promise. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses. I will broadly discuss the main elements of your narrative, as well as refer to specific page references to illustrate some of my points.

Structure:

Structure is the backbone of any story. If the skeleton of your narrative is sound in structure, this will enhance the pace and flow of the story. By having a time-split dual narrative, and alternating the chapters, you should ensure that the reader never tires of one storyline before it switches to the other. This should give the story added depth and texture.

Rather than linear flashbacks, from what I can gauge from the synopsis, the historical strand will jump in time frame rather than be sequentially linear. Again, this will bring more depth to that storyline as the reader has to be more engaged with the narrative to understand how it all interlinks.

In comparison, it seems Laura’s storyline will be linear, which is fitting for her strand which involves unravelling the history of a grandfather’s POW past.

Plot:

I thought the prologue was a strong opening and was vividly depicted, really placing the reader there alongside Tom. You hook the reader and align them with the character.

From these early chapters, it definitely feels like the historical strand has more depth and drama than the contemporary strand. The problem with having the flashbacks is that the reader is placed in a position where they know more than the main character (Laura). So that sense of mystery and intrigue is lost as the reader waits for the protagonist to catch up with them. I think you need to work on bringing more sub-plots in to the contemporary strand. While there is mention of Laura’s fractious relationship with her mother, which is potentially involving and dramatic, I think there needs to be a greater mystery within this strand if the reader is to remain actively engage and compelled to keep turning the pages. Perhaps Laura could have a secret of her own? And this is only hinted at at the beginning, so the reader must read on to find out what it is. This is only a suggestion of course, but I think serious consideration needs to be paid to the contemporary storyline if the novel is to feel balanced and compelling throughout, rather than a novel of two halves.

It was hard to judge from the synopsis alone, but will the historical strand feature flashbacks of Tom and Joy’s romance? I think this is important, as it will not only open up the story (as Tom’s strand risks being too much about torture and deprivation) but also bring much-needed emotion and poignancy to this strand, as well as show another side to Tom.

Characterisation:

While the plot can at times be dramatic, this feels like more of a character-led novel that plot-driven one. And so the success of your novel hinges on your characterisation.

I thought Tom was a fantastic character – you really get a sense of his determination and spirit in these early pages. One small word of advice: ensure he is not completely altruistic and without fault. He seems to be completely selfless and compelled by his moral code, but I think for his character to have depth and realism, we also have to be able to see his flaws. After all, nobody is perfect.

Tying in with my comments on how the contemporary strands isn’t quite as strong as the historical strand, I also felt that Laura wasn’t particularly captivating as a protagonist. She is presented as just an ordinary young mum. And while the reader has to be able to identify her and recognise her, and so you want her to seem fairly familiar and normal, you also need to work on highlighting what is distinctive and individual about her. At present, her portrayal feels a little bland and insipid, and as a reader, I haven’t been pulled into her story in the same way that I have Tom’s. You really need to work on getting under her skin and bringing her alive as a character. Explore the unexpected about her, not just the superficial.

Setting:

While setting is the backdrop for any story, when you are setting your narrative in foreign climes, and especially when it is set in another era, setting becomes an important facet of your narrative. It is a way to place your story, conjure up a vanished world and really transport your reader there. And you really achieve this, in both the historical strand, and also in the contemporary strand with its descriptions of the building where Tom now lives.

Genre/Market:

You rightly class this as historical and general fiction. In terms of market, this will largely appeal to a female demographic given the female protagonist, and I think it will appeal to 30+ readers.

A small point but historical novels are often meaty, epic, sweeping stories. Yours seems like it will be quite narrow in scope, from what I have read from the synopsis. But hopefully through rewriting it and really playing out the drama for the reader, it will broaden your story and make it feel more epic.

Synopsis:

I thought your synopsis was succinct and concise. It is focused and gives the reader a real taste of what the story is about.

Title:

I wasn’t entirely convinced by the title. It doesn’t really convey what the story is about and doesn’t really provoke a reaction in the reader. It is quite a bland, forgettable title. I think this is something you might want to reconsider before approaching an agent. You want something quite memorable, that both sums the story up and provokes an emotional response in the reader.

Page notes:

p.5: ‘That would soon pass, of course’ – why of course?

p.6: thought this was a poignant and dramatic end to the prologue.

p.8: ‘She had put the incident to the back of her mind…’ You have a tendency to overstate at times. The reader can sense she thinks nothing more of the encounter so this doesn’t need to be stated.

p.10: ‘You’ll see, Laura. You’ll see’ – bit of an odd response to someone who’s asking after the health of their frail grandfather.

p.11: ‘She shut the door behind her, propped the buggy next to the bicycle and stool still for a second’ – as well as a tendency to overstate, you also at times include too much unnecessary information. The reader doesn’t need to know every action that Laura does. Remember, less is more. If you give too much unnecessary detail, the prose will start to feel unfocused and drawn out.

p.15: ‘Her old ginger cat’s had another litter…’ – I found this conversation a little dull and pedestrian. It doesn’t reveal an awful lot about the characters. I think you really need to work on this section if you are to keep the reader hooked.

p.17: ‘She was shocked’ – show, don’t tell. The reader can guess this from Laura’s reaction. You don’t need to verbalise it. Remember, less is more.

Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and this marks a promising start. With some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine


Hi Ted
Please could you pass on my sincere thanks to Natalie for her helpful review of Driving Sideways. Her comments and ideas are much appreciated.
clairewhatley
 24 Jul 2011, 06:53 #124808 Reply To Post
Ted,
Please also give Natalie sincere thanks from me for her encouraging comments. Some YWO reviewers shared her view of the ending, so perhaps there'll be another version at some time in the future!

Claire



nil desperandum
jskinner16
 24 Jul 2011, 10:38 #124828 Reply To Post
Hi Ted,
Please pass on my thanks to Natalie too. Thanks also to all YWO members who reviewed The Assistant.
JS
paigecarter
 24 Jul 2011, 12:59 #124842 Reply To Post
Quote: ProfessionalCritique, Saturday, 23 Jul 2011 12:47
Professional mini critique for The Transition of Ellie Foster by Carolann Kaiser

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your short story and was impressed by the confidence of your writing. It’s clear you are a natural storyteller. The strongest element of the narrative was the characterisation. Each voice felt true and distinctive. Memorable title as well. My only criticism seems to be that it ends rather abruptly. I think the focus needs to be brought back to Ellie and have the last line from her POV, perhaps an insightful remark, something that will linger with the reader. As it stands, the ending feels a little underwhelming.

Hello Ted,

I hope you can pass on my sincere thanks to Natalie for her mini-critique. I am thrilled with the comments. I take on board the weak ending. I hope this will be solved when I have developed it into the novel I am writing incorporating the other characters' povs.
Thank you too, to all at YWO who wrote me some encouraging and helpful reviews. I am truly grateful.


Carolann Kaiser
stjerome
 29 Jul 2011, 20:35 #125463 Reply To Post
Hi Ted

Would you please pass on my thanks to Natalie for her review of 'Solomon Says: The Blackmailer'.

I'm glad she enjoyed both this story and others from the collection. The UK and World Rights are available on extremely favourable terms!!

Tim
Saint. A dead sinner revised and edited.
Ambrose Bierce (1842 -1913)
Page 1 Last : 2 > Add To My Topic Watch List Start New Topic Reply To Topic
Server Time: 12 December 2017, 14:20

Powered by Zarr Forums

-

 

Adverts provided by Google and not endorsed by YouWriteOn.com.