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ProfessionalCritique
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Orion are part of the Hatchette publishing group, whose authors include Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer and Ian Rankin. Each month on YouWriteOn.com editors from Orion and Random House provide an indepth critique of up to three highly rated YouWriteOn Top Ten novel openings, and mini-reviews of the rest of the top ten stories. This aims to assist all authors in their story development by giving feedback as to what editors are looking for in novel submitted to them. Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under February 1st for 2011
This post was last edited by ProfessionalCritique, 21 Mar 2011, 12:48
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ProfessionalCritique
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Orion Editor critique of ALL THE BLUE-EYED ANGELS
Dear Jennifer
Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your early pages of ALL THE BLUE-EYED ANGELS and was impressed by the confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses. My notes will take the form of over-arching comments about the main elements of the narrative followed by more detailed page-by-page notes to illustrate some of my points.
Structure:
Your structure is simple yet effective. The prologue, like a lot of prologues, is a flashback to the protagonist’s past. It acts as a tantalising hooks, as it’s an enigmatic opening that poses more questions than offers answers, and serves as the main driving force for the character – and the reader – to discover what really happened. The rest of the narrative, from what I can gauge from these early chapters and your synopsis, will be quite linear in structure. But it seems that you will also be introducing sub-plots, such as the blossoming romance between Anna and Jack, and also her coming to terms with her divorce and the death of her baby. These sub-plots will not only add more interest, texture and depth to the overall shape of the main story, it should also help ensure that the reader doesn’t tire of the main story strand, as these sub-strands offer dramatic tangents and relief from the main bulk of the narrative. These sub-plots will also provide more insight into your characters and give them a more-rounded portrayal.
Plot:
The premise is quite a simple one: a journalist goes back to her childhood home to come to terms with the personal tragedy that happened there, as well as investigate a murder mystery that has long haunted the island and the nearby inhabitants. Given that this is set on an isolated island and concerns the death of a religious sect, you have all the makings of an atmospheric, spooky and sinister thriller. And the investigator in this story isn’t an impartial outsider but someone who was very much affected by the events that happened on the island – and the repurcussions are still affecting her to this very day.
As I have said above, the prologue was a great opening chapter. It was enigmatic, intriguing and really hooked the reader as they struggle to make sense of the scene. And the following chapters ably set up the groundwork for the unfolding action and introduce the characters, as well as maintaining the intrigue and drama that is wonderfully set up at the beginning, which is absolutely crucial to keep the reader turning those pages.
Characterisation:
While your characters felt believable, in these early pages they did feel a little underdrawn. Anna felt too much like any thirty-something woman. She lacked real personality and wasn’t distinctive enough as a protagonist. Given that this is written in first person narrative, this engenders a natural intimacy between the reader and protagonist, as they are very much placed alongside each other on this journey. But the reader has to be engaged and connected with the character if they are to want to follow their story through to the end. Not only did I find Anna a little non-descript in these early pages, she also came across as quite fierce and embittered. Obviously given her background of a father who presumably committed suicide, a divorce and the loss of a baby, she has a lot of personal demons to deal with. But if she comes across as too angry and snide in her dealings with other characters, you risk distancing the reader from her.
I thought your secondary characters were well-formed and interesting characters. A small query – there is no mention of either Diggs or Hammond in the synopsis – do they not feature again after these early pages?
Setting:
I thought the setting was wonderful. Not only is it set in Maine, parts of which can be incredibly harsh and desolate in winter, it is set on a remote island that is shrouded in death and mystery. This is the perfect setting to evoke atmosphere and bring real tension to the story. Whilst I thought the prologue was incredibly effective in conveying the setting, I felt there could have been more descriptive prose in the succeeding chapters to really conjure up a sense of the place and immerse the reader in this world. Your descriptions were quite sparse, so I found it hard to properly visualise the setting as the story unfolded. Whilst setting of course is only a backdrop for any story, it is an essential facet that can really bring the narrative alive. While less is often more in terms of descriptive prose, as you don’t want passages to become too verbose with descriptions, they need to be vivid and succinct.
I thought Littlehope was a great name for the nearest town, and also thought the urban myth about how it got its name was incredibly spooky...
Tone:
As I often tell aspiring writers, tone is one of the hardest elements of a novel to master, but also one of the most important. If the tone of your narrative isn’t pitched right, it can seriously compromise the reader’s engagement with your story. Given that the narrative is written in first person, the tone of the novel is inevitably affected by Anna’s own frame of mind and outlook. Her mood very much mirrors the tone of the novel. And it is important that it doesn’t become unremittingly dark, but is tempered with moments of light too.
Genre/Market:
As I’m sure you’re aware, the thriller genre is an area of the market that is incredibly competitive as there are so many good commercial thrillers out there. So a new thriller has to be something exceptional to be able to stand out in a crowded marketplace. And while I thought your novel had all the key ingredients of an incredibly readable and enjoyable thriller, from what I’ve read so far and from the synopsis, this seems to lack that commercial edge that will set it apart from its peers. It’s missing that page-turning quality at present, but hopefully this will come as you make revises. I would suggest asking as many people to read it as possible to get some constructive feedback.
In terms of the demographic a novel like this will appeal to, I would say the readership would be largely female, given that the protagonist is female. (The truthful reality is that men prefer to read about male protagonists rather than female, whereas women are much less biased). And in terms of age range, it could hopefully appeal to quite a large one.
Synopsis:
Whilst your synopsis was succinct and well-written, it didn’t feel detailed enough. It seemed to skate over the surface of the events, and I was left with quite a lot of questions. When you submit to a literary agency or publishing house (that is if they accept unsolicited submissions, of course), you often are requested to only send in the first three chapters and the synopsis. So the synopsis has to accurately and concisely summarise what happens in the novel. But on reading it, there seemed to be a lot of plot holes. Please see the page-by-page notes for specifics.
Title:
I’m not entirely convinced by this title for a mystery thriller. It instantly made me think of misery memoirs with the mention of blue-eyed angels. Obviously having read the early pages and synopsis, I understand the relevance and significance of the title, but to an unitiated reader, the title of a novel can convey a certain message.
Page-by-page notes:
p.2: ‘It’s like the grown ups I’ve known for years have become different people in an instant’ – I thought this was a great line. It really highlights how the naivete and innocence of childhood can be stripped away in a single moment.
Critique continues next post
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ProfessionalCritique
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p.3: the end of the prologue, with the line ‘And then, they fall silent together’ – who is the ‘they’ that you are referring to? Is this deliberately ambiguous? As I’m assuming that you’re not referring to Anna and her father here, as otherwise you would use ‘we’ rather than ‘they’ as it’s in first person. In short, I think you need to end this section with a better hook. I was just left a little confused, rather than gripped and wanting to read on.
p.4: ‘I understood Lucky Newton like I understood no one else in that town. When he cursed the place with his last breath, marked it with his blood, I was right there with him’ – I thought this was great. Not only a fantastic backstory to Littlehope as a place, it also highlights how Anna always felt an outsider and different from a young age.
p.7: wasn’t sure why ‘publishin’ deal’ was missing the ‘g’ in prose? Fine in dialogue but jars in prose, as this isn’t how Anna talks.
p.11-12: ‘This was the story of the Payson Church of Tomorrow, as I had known it from the time I was ten years old...’ – I felt this was quite a clunky and lazy way to present the background information to the church. This needs to be incorporated into the main body of the story in a more seamless and engaging way, otherwise you risk pulling the reader out of the story.
p.12: thought the final section in chapter one was a great ending to the chapter – to the point, dramatic and with enough of a hook to make the reader want to turn the page and find out more.
p.13: ‘Clearly, poor old Noel has a lot to learn about the way I operate’ – Anna comes across as very snide and tough here. As mentioned earlier, be careful not to make Anna an unlikeable figure. The reader needs to empathise with her and understand why she acts the way she does.
p.14-15: I found this scene a little confusing. Why if Hammond had been so forthcoming on the phone to Anna over the two months they had been speaking was he now so reticent and cold towards her? We’d previously been told he was articulate and urbane, yet he seems like neither of these things, but in fact the very opposite.
p.15: ‘my attention had shifted to the other man’ – why is Anna suddenly referring to Hammond in this way? Seems very impersonal and an odd choice when Anna and the reader know who he is.
p.16: ‘the other end of the goddamn building’ – this feels like a very obvious way to express Anna’s anger. She seems like the kind of person who has become used to hiding her true feelings and emotions, so this seemed out of character. Surely she’s the type of person that you can read more into what she doesn’t say as much as into what she does say. Try to express the characters’ emotions in ways that don’t feel cliched or predictable, but true to the type of personalities that they are.
p.17: ‘the old three-story barn...was built with more common sense in mind’ – how, when they wouldn’t have known when they built it that it would eventually burn down?
Synopsis: ‘Perkins told Rebecca that he and Ashmont were coming for her’ – I don’t really understand Perkins’ actions here. We are told that he loves Rebecca, so why would he tell her that, and why would he go to get her with Ashmont, knowing that he had been violent towards Rebecca?
Synopsis: why would Perkins think Jack is Rebecca’s son come back from the dead? Jack is his nephew, and surely he is a similar age to Anna, meaning he was already alive when Rebecca’s son was killed? This didn’t really convince.
Synposis: ‘Upon recognising that her son was truly dead’ – why would she think otherwise? Who did she think was her son reincarnated? And what would make her think that he was truly dead? There wasn’t enough detail here.
Conclusion:
I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in fairly good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.
Best wishes
Natalie Braine
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ProfessionalCritique
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Professional mini critique for In the Days When by Valerie J Falla
Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I thought the premise of your story was intriguing and that it had much potential for comedy and playfulness. While I enjoyed these early pages, I have highlighted some areas that could benefit from further development. One area of concern was that I found the humour to be rather obvious and laboured. I think you need to opt for more subtlety and allow comedy to evolve out of the characterisation. I also felt that William was not only cantankerous and bitter, but very hard to warm to. We need to feel for him, engage and empathise with him. In striving to find the comedy in his bad-temperedness, you actually risk alienating the reader from him.
A small point, but in these early pages, you tend to rely on reporting the drama to the reader, rather than letting it play out for them to experience (such as the scene in the pub). If something is too tedious to play out, then this is a good indication that it should probably be cut.
Professional mini critique for Lucky Nick by Derek Haycock
Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading the early pages of your story and thought it had an interesting concept. Whilst I thought the character of Nick felt well-rounded and fully-formed, Mart in comparison felt rather uninspired and a little underdrawn. As the protagonist of the story, he needs to be more engaging and more memorable. Another concern is that these early pages felt quite unstructured and meandering, and consequently they didn’t quite grip me in the way that a sharp, focused novel opening should. This is an area that needs further development.
I think you also need to instill a greater sense of intrigue from the beginning, and keep the reader guessing for longer. It doesn’t quite have that page-turning quality that marks out commercial fiction. But for a first draft, this marks a promising start.
Professional mini critique for Sliding on the Snow Stone by Andy Szpuk
Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading these early pages of your novel. The voice and personality of Stefan really shines through is these opening pages. Like a lot of writers of autobiographical novels, you tend to rely on reporting and summarising the drama and action, rather than letting it play out for the reader to experience. By telling the reader what is happening rather than showing them, you risk distancing them from your narrative. You need to immerse them in your story. Another piece of advice is to bear in mind the structure of your story. These opening pages felt quite meandering and directionless. Even though this is based on fact, it still needs to feel focused, if you are to pull the reader into the novel.
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ProfessionalCritique
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Orion Editor critique of 365 ROOMS
Dear Mike
Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your early pages of 365 ROOMS. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses. My notes will take the form of over-arching comments about the main elements of the narrative followed by more detailed page-by-page notes to illustrate some of my points.
Structure:
Structure is the backbone of any narrative. It forms the skeleton from which to hang your story from. From these early pages, the structure takes a very linear approach in that it is told in chronological order and it is also shown only from Charlie’s viewpoint. Both these decisions seem apt given that this is largely aimed at 8-11 year olds. While adopting quite a simple structure, you allow the content of the narrative to shine through. You could also consider the possibility of introducing a sub-plot to the main body of the narrative, as this can potentially add both texture and depth to what can otherwise feel like quite a one-directional story. It also offers relief from the main story, ensuring the reader never tires of one narrative strand. This is only a suggestion, of course.
Plot:
Like the structure, you have gone for quite a simple premise: a young boy is passed from foster family to foster family before he is taken in by an enigmatic couple who live in a fantastical abode. You’ve combined the familiar with the unexpected and, if told well, this could be a winning formula.
It opens on an ordinary morning for Charlie Bloom, in a way that shows, quickly and economically, what life is like for orphan Charlie. But there are hints that all is not right on this particular morning. In this way, you introduce the reader to Charlie’s world and align the reader with him, so that they wonder, as Charlie does, what is going on. As the story progresses, the plot becomes more fantastical, such as when Charlie witnesses tigers and snakes lurking in the woods surrounding 365 Forest View.
A small criticism, but the revelation that Charlie’s care worker, Jonathan, was in fact Tristan and Jayne’s son, felt a little contrived. I wondered what this would really add to the narrative, as surely having Charlie on his own in this house, with only an eccentric strange couple there with him, will heighten the sense of Charlie feeling alone.
Characterisation:
Charlie is a wonderful creation. He seems wise beyond his years, given his difficult start in life moving from home to home, with the constant expectation and worry that he will never be somewhere for long. But despite his rough past, you’ve ensured that Charlie isn’t embittered or bad-tempered because of it. While he may be a complex character, it’s important to ensure that he is a likeable figure that a young reader can relate to, and I think you’ve gone some way in achieving this. While he may have become accepting of his fate of being shunted around from family to family, he hasn’t let it break his spirit. I like that he’s quite reserved and wary, and this seems true to his circumstances. He has learnt the hard way that there is no point in getting attached. And because of this, Charlie is instantly placed as a loner, which again marks him out as different and may well strike a chord with many young readers.
Often in children’s books, the secondary characters feel underdrawn and peripheral, particularly adult figures, but you have portrayed yours in a way that feels real and engaging. But one small suggestion I would have is that there is currently little physical descriptions of the characters, which you could introduce more of so the reader is able to really envisage them.
Setting:
While setting usually forms the backdrop for most stories, in yours it plays a more central role. Given the fantastical nature of your story, you have to create an imaginative and colourful world, and conjure it in a way that you transport the reader there. There has to be enough detail that Charlie’s surroundings are brought to life on the page, but it needs to be evoked in a succinct and vivid way if it is not to overshadow the plot. The main focus in a story like this is to make the extraordinary and fantastical feel possible. In short, it can’t be so far-fetched that the reader’s suspension of disbelief is compromised.
Tone:
As I often tell aspiring writers, tone is often one of the forgotten elements of a story. Yet while a subtle feature, tone is one of the most important facets of a novel – but also one of the hardest to master. Whilst the story isn’t told in first person but third, the book is shown entirely from Charlie’s perspective, so the reader is placed by his side. Consequently, the tone of the book will be influenced and affected by Charlie’s own mood and outlook.
From reading these early pages, it’s clear that rather than adopting a carefree, whimsical tone, you’ve gone for a slightly darker one, and I think this is more fitting. It is also incredibly poignant in places, such as when Charlie starts packing his things after his foster parents have been acting strangely. He does it with no complaint or fuss, which makes it all the more touching.
Genre/Market:
As I’ve mentioned above, I think this could appeal to 8-11 year olds, bearing in mind that many children like to read about characters that are of a similar age to them or slightly older. As I’m sure you’re aware, children’s fiction is a saturated market and one that is fiercely competitive. So, for a new book to stand out in such a crowded arena, it needs to be something special. The best advice I can offer you is to read as widely as possible in the area that you wish to write in, so you’re familiar with what is out there and what is selling. And secondly, when you’re writing for children, it’s a great idea to get feedback from the very age group that you’re trying to appeal to. They’ll tell you what they like and don’t like about a story and are a great barometer for the rest of their peer group. Once you know the market that you are aiming at, it will make it that much easier to pitch your novels to literary agents if you’re able to benchmark your novel (as long as it is with realistic comparisons rather than ‘the next Harry Potter’!).
Synopsis:
I thought your synopsis was very good. It’s short and succinctly conveys the essence of the story in an inviting and engaging way. The synopsis only hints at what is contained within the 365 rooms, and what will happen when Charlie encounters each new one, and I think the less is more approach definitely works, as you want to tantalise the reader and give them a taste of what the story is about, but most importantly hook them enough so they want to read on. And I think you’ve achieved that.
Title:
While the title is rather simplistic, it sums up the story and is faintly intriguing.
critique continues next post
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ProfessionalCritique
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Page-by-page notes:
p.1: ‘Charlie Broom watched the sun rise and wondered how long they’d leave him alone ... they normally didn’t check on him until ten’ – this makes it sound like the time is past ten, yet he’s watching the sun rise, which indicates that it must be early as, even in the depths of winter, the sun rises at about 7.30am.
p.2: ‘He rubbed his head, hoping to stop unwanted memories from surfacing’ – this seems like quite a pantomime action.
p.2: ‘He didn’t want to go downstairs and find a couple of old-aged zombies wandering around’ – why zombies and not corpses? Seems like a bit of a leap!
p.2: ‘He frowned at the silliness of the thought’ – ‘silliness’ sounds very much what an adult would say to a child, not what an 11 year old would think or say.
p.3: ‘It was as though she couldn’t face him’ – this feels like over-explaining. Remember, less is more. You need to show the reader this, not tell them.
p.3: ‘It was as though he was in a trance’ – again, over-explaining.
p.3: ‘He headed towards his room, needing to get back to his book’ – wanting rather than needing, surely?
p.5: a small point but would a foster agency really call up foster parents offering them another child when they’re already fostering a child?
p.6: ‘You know I don’t really like you waiting in here. It puts off the car-jackers. Kids are terrible accessories’ – I was confused by this. Jonathan had just told him to wait in the car. And this line makes it sound like he wants his car to get stolen. Yet on p.8 he says he could never part with his car as it’s the best one he’s ever had.
p.8: ‘He was fun and funny’ – avoid repetition.
p.9: ‘This triggered a fresh set of giggles from Charlie’ – this makes Charlie sound girly and much younger than 11.
p.11 & 12: repetition of the word ‘padded’.
p.12: repetition of ‘shake’ and ‘shaking’.
p.13: ‘now was not the time for such behaviour ... but he could hardly help himself’ – again, this sounds like an adult talking, not an 11 year old.
p.13: ‘It was little more than an angry framed silhouette with nothing very much in the middle’ – odd description.
p.14: ‘Charlie, who sucked in the car’s entire air supply’ – unnecessary hyperbole.
p.15: ‘Charlie kept imagining branches, ferns and bushes into wildlife’ – vegetation is wildlife too.
p.15: ‘He could hear all manner of strange noises’ – adult speak.
p.16: ‘Jonathan laughed again, causing Charlie shake his head’ – insert ‘to’.
p.17: ‘A tap on his shoulder made him shudder’ – seems like an odd description. Do you mean ‘start’?
p.20: ‘It took around fifteen seconds for the doors to open’ – but surely Jonathan pressed the buzzer longer than 15 seconds ago?
p.23: ‘Not bad at all? Charlie thought. Have you forgotten about the tiger and snake?’ – unnecessarily stating the obvious.
p.24: ‘Jonathan’s rejection of Tristan’s offer had caused a slight awkwardness’ – show the reader this, don’t tell them.
p.24: ‘These people were most definitely strange ... at the present time’ – again, this seems like adult speak.
p.26: ‘which was very much on his mind’ – adult speak.
p.27: ‘The last time he’d felt this lucky, he’d been eight years old’ – this means little as the reader hasn’t been told how old Charlie is. Perhaps rephrase as ‘two years ago when he was eight’.
Conclusion:
I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in fairly good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.
Best wishes
Natalie Braine
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NickP
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"A small point, but in these early pages, you tend to rely on reporting the drama to the reader, rather than letting it play out for them to experience " Should be imprinted on the forehead of all writers.
"...the likes of NickP can rant on if they like"
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doggedwriter
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Ted,
Please pass on my most sincere thanks to Natalie for her incredibly in-depth and generous critique. She's given me some great insight here, and I look forward to diving in to the revision process with these notes in mind.
- Jen Blood
ALL THE BLUE-EYED ANGELS
www.jenniferblood.net
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Zak Spundy
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Thanks to Natalie for the feedback!
lines from the word lab
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FLASHECHOES
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My thanks, too, for Natalie's feedback and advice. Derek
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NEW - Orion Reviews
21 Mar 2011, 12:42
