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ProfessionalCritique
 24 Oct 2013, 22:35 #173648 Reply To Post
Each month on YouWriteOn.com editors from Random House, Bloomsbury and Orion, provide an indepth critique of up to three highly rated Top Ten novel openings from budding authors, and provide mini-reviews for the rest of the top ten youwriteon stories. Random House, Bloomsbury and Orion publish authors such as Dan Brown, Terry Pratchett and JK Rowling.

Latest Critiques for Sepember 2013 Top Ten Click here to view the top ten lists for 2013.
ProfessionalCritique
 24 Oct 2013, 22:36 #173649 Reply To Post
Orion Editor Critique of Fragrant Haven

See attachment for Editor’s line edit critique.


I really enjoyed this - there was a great sense of place and impending tension, which I thought worked well, and it was an area of history that I don't know much about, but which was suitably evoked.

You say in your notes that the book is completed, and that this is an edited version for YWO rules. Congratulations on finishing the book, and if you keep up the quality from this section, I'm sure you have a future as a writer. Obviously the editing means that I may have been missing points or scenes which render my comments redundant.

As always, most of my thoughts are in the comments on the track changes document attached. Prose-wise, this was very clean - better than most, in fact - although I do think you get a little staccato in your delivery sometimes. Paragraphs could be longer or run into each other, as it is a very bitty experience at times.

You need to watch out for your physical descriptions of what people are doing, especially, it seems, with their hands. Keeping a track of where people are and what they're doing is one of those seemingly minor things that can get lost, especially while you edit and revise.

Other than that, there isn't much to say here. I know your synopsis is for YWO, not a publisher, but its far too long and detailed. I've stripped it down to a single page - you'll find it at the end of the extract.

Best, and good luck with the book - again, you should be very proud that you've got this far!

Marcus, Editor, Orion


Attachments
ywo FRAGRANT HAVEN mg version.doc (80Kb) - 262 view(s)
ProfessionalCritique
 24 Oct 2013, 22:38 #173650 Reply To Post
Random House Editor Reviews

The House of Charles Swinter by JJ Ward


Congratulations on being the top rated story this month. Your synopsis was quite mysterious, so much so that I found it almost impossible to work out what kind of story I was going to be reading (which can be both a good and a bad thing!) and I was fascinated to know exactly what was going to be in store. The resulting chapters were a lively, energetic read, full of incident and intrigue.

Plot/Structure

This was a very energetic start to a novel – there was so much going on that I think I finished the sample chapters almost as overwhelmed as George himself! At first I'd wondered if there was a kind of gothic horror story in store for me, almost in the vein of something like Gormenghast, with the mentions of the big house, the party to celebrate the death of an estranged wife, the quarrelling family, etc and a title that has a faint echo of Poe's The Fall of the House of Usher, but it really went in all directions: with elements of humour and suspense and hints at dark secrets and family quarrels. There was a real energy and unpredictability about your writing and plotting.

Do remember though, the importance of taking your time when writing – there was so much going in these first 20 odd pages that it was quite overwhelming, and I'd have loved you to have taken it a little slower in some parts and not tried to cram quite so much in. The revelation about George's parents dying tragically early, for example, was almost lost amongst everything else that was going on. The art of good writing is managing to blend scene setting with plot developments, so that readers have a chance to get under the skin of your characters and feel immersed in your settings whilst the plot carries them forward, and in your first pages I felt that the balance was perhaps a little too far towards the plotting at the expense of the scene setting and characterisation.

If there are going to be multiple plot strands which slowly come together, don’t feel you have to introduce them all in the first few pages – a good writer will let the story grow in complexity as we read on. Could some of the plot developments here be delayed a little to give us more time to get to know the characters? After all, if you meet someone in real life they very rarely tell you their whole life story in the first five minutes of talking to you, so we don't need to know everything about our characters as soon as we meet them: readers love feeling engaged with a story so feeding them lots of little clues will help them to build up a vivid picture of a character in their mind.

Quality of writing

The conversation between Charles and Edward where Charles explains what he would like Edward to do plus the perils of his family members is quite a lengthy one and I think it could really add something to your writing if we had a little more description to go alongside the exchanges of dialogue. This would really help readers, who have only just met these characters after all, to picture the scene in their minds. It doesn't have to be extensive but just a line here or there explaining how something was said – angrily, contemptuously, with regret? - or what either of the men was doing, would really add some colour and depth to this scene. Don't think it just has to be how it looks, I always encourage writers to think about all the senses when they're writing as it may well be that a certain sound or smell does far more to establish a sense of place than reams of physical description.

Characterisation

One thing that I must admit that I wasn't entirely convinced by were the ages and corresponding personalities of some of your key characters – in a conversation with Susan, George reveals that he is thirty-five and his brother Edward would therefore be 30, but the way that Edward and George are depicted made them sound to me far more like people in their late middle ages, rather than still fairly young (especially as both are unattached, so not family men with the attendant responsibilities). It may be worth you thinking about adjusting their ages slightly or their opinions – if we're assuming the story is told from George's perspective, the 'youths' laughing and horsing around sounds like the observation of a man in his forties or fifties at least. I appreciate that George is a religious man and clearly less streetwise than many of his contemporaries and had also assumed responsibility for his brother at an early age, but I couldn't quite picture him as a 35 year old man.

Charles is shown to be a rather callous gentleman – and I'm intrigued to know exactly what is going on with the local doctor! - but I still found him describing his own granddaughter as 'probably riddled with STDs' surprisingly harsh. I don't know whether this might be something you want to look again to slightly soften the language used or if you think this is consistent with how Charles behaves? On a side note, I was also curious as to why Edward liked ‘best’ about Charles was him treating Edward like a servant – this sounds remarkably forgiving of Edward when they are supposed to be friends!

Genre/Marketability:

This was an incredibly lively read, as it really kept me on my toes trying to work out where it was going, and I think you just need to be prepared for the fact that some people will really love this approach but others may be left cold. If you are thinking of approaching a literary agent, I would caution that you might find it a little more challenging with your current synopsis/pitch as it is quite difficult to work out the audience from the way you've described it – generally anything described as a romance is automatically, whether rightly or wrongly, assumed to fit in a more commercial area than literary fiction, so I'd like you to think about exactly who you are pitching this at: if the main selling point of your book is your writing, I'd describe it as just literary fiction, but if you think the romance is what's important, I would suggest marketing it as commercial and romance fiction.

The Lie – K Johns

Congratulations on being one of the top rated stories this month. I very much enjoyed the first chapters of your book and the beginnings of the gradual unravelling of the mystery of Julia's mother. The chapters told from the perspective of Jack gave us a lovely opportunity to see her mother as a captivating, beautiful woman rather than the less sympathetic mother of Julia's memories (although I did wonder how we were 'seeing' these chapters as her father was dead by the time the novel starts. Are these his letters we're reading?). Your writing is generally good, with some lovely descriptive elements – the 'sandpaper towel', the 'womb-like' train carriage – although I'm afraid I did think that 'Somehow she knew, something in that tin had the power to change everything' was too heavy handed. I can understand Julia's apprehension but the foreshadowing was a little clumsy here, as I'm sure most readers would be anticipating something significant was about to be revealed.

One thing I was slightly confused by was Julia's mother's house; Julia states that she realised her mother lied when her mother claimed to friends that a portrait that had been in the house when they moved in was actually of a relative so I presumed Julia must have been at least 3 or 4 when they moved in to the house. But when Julia returns to begin clearing it out she reflects on its ugliness, 'Home. I remember, I remember, the house where I was born.' Is this a reference to or a quote from something else rather than her actual memories?

Waking the Sleepers – Anthony Irvin

Congratulations on being one of the top rated stories this month! From your arresting opening paragraph, I found this a very engaging read. I loved your descriptions of the wildlife and the plants in Africa, there was a very strong sense of place and atmosphere and as Dima waited for the man with the Kalashnikov, I could practically feel the heat of the 'blazing sun'.

As we neared the end of your sample chapters, we had some intriguing hints as to where the story might be going which are bound to leave readers curious as to how it links back to Dima's story. I do think the death of Dima's father could perhaps do with a little extra work – at first I had assumed that his father was injured, and that was why he whispered so faintly but then all seemed well when he woke the next morning so his father then collapsing and dying felt a little abrupt. Are we meant to assume that Dima hadn't noticed his father's injuries in his relief at finding him alive? If so, I think you probably want to make it clear that the happiness in the men's hearts was what Dima perceived rather than what was the case for both of them; presumably his father wouldn't have felt lighthearted when he knew he'd been shot?

It's a very small point, but if Colette boarded a train at an underground station is it not likely to have been underground meaning she wouldn't have been able to call the number on the leaflet?

After the Tone – P M Wilson

Congratulations on being one of the top rated entries on YouWriteOn his month! I love a good short story with a twist in the tale, and I really enjoyed your entry. You do a good job of showing us all sides of Jack's character, from the ardent young lover to the selfish older man with little understanding of his wife's feelings. Although Janice is only 'alive' for the very end of the story, we get a very good sense of her character as Jack reflects on what he did and didn't do for his wife.

I realise this is a vey minor point, but do they still hold car boot sales in winter, particularly when it has snowed? I would have thought people, both buyers and sellers, might not have been able to get to the area.


All above reviews by Alison, Editor, Random House
ProfessionalCritique
 24 Oct 2013, 22:40 #173651 Reply To Post
Editor Review of THE ADVENTURES OF WESLEY THE WARDEN


Dear Antony Irvin

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers. I enjoyed reading these early pages of your children’s book, THE ADVENTURES OF WESLEY THE WARDEN. I thought that these opening pages were entertaining and marked a really promising start. What I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing stories, as well as give guidance on what to pay attention to as the book continues.

Structure:

Structure is the backbone of any book, helping to provide shape, focus and narrative drive. If your story isn’t well structured, the very foundations of your novel can become compromised – and this applies even to children’s fiction. This is clearly an element that you understand and have considered while writing. Even though your collection contains short stories, which are interlinked but also stand alone in their own right too, they are well structured, each with a clear narrative arc and a satisfying conclusion.

Plot:

While always entertaining, some of the stories do feel a little abrupt in their ending, such as Story Four, where Wesley discovers it is Lulu the leopard that has been prowling around at night near the sheep and goats. The sense of mystery is instantly dissipated, with no explanation as to why Lulu was there (was it to eat the goats and sheep?), just an apology from her for scaring the animals. I think there needs to be something that explains the mystery in more of a satisfying way, so this is one area that I would suggest considering when you come to rewriting.

But on the whole, I found most of the stories very engaging and well thought out. I especially liked Story Six, The Art Class. It had a nice story arc, real humour to it, and had more background details than some of the other stories. (This is something I discuss in more detail in my notes on characterisation and setting).

I thought that there could have been a bit more background detail about the wildlife park. For example, apart from making sure the animals are OK, what are Wesley’s other responsibilities as warden of the park? Perhaps more could be made of why the park even exists? It’s important that you educate your readers as well as entertain them.

Characterisation:

In children’s fiction, young readers like to read about characters that they can identify with and relate to in some way. And while the animals all have very distinctive characters that set them apart from the others, I did think that Wesley was a little underdrawn and lacked a certain charisma. He is obviously the voice of reason and the figure of responsibility, but he also needs to feel more individual and memorable. Only small details are needed, but they can really help to make him more real to your reader. For example, how old is Wesley? How long has he been doing his job? Does his family live nearby? Does he see them much?

I thought the animal character portrayals were much stronger, and can see that young readers will instantly engage with them and their stories. My only query is how much you anthropomorphise the animals. Not only do the animals speak, sing and dance, you also have Tatu the dog doing press ups. I’m not sure if this is a bit too much…!

Setting:

Setting is of course only the backdrop to a story, but it can be a character in its own right too, helping build atmosphere and even tone. And I think this is something that can definitely be expanded upon, as you don’t want to rely solely on illustrations. For example, what is the nearby village like? How many people live there? Does Wesley go there often? Is that where he grew up himself? It is small details like this, woven through your story, that will really bring Wesley’s tale alive.

Genre/Market:

As I’m sure you’re aware, children’s fiction is an incredibly crowded area of the market, so for a book to stand out, it really does need to be something special. And for illustrated children’s fiction, you need to have a strong story as well as beautiful illustrations. I do think your stories show real promise, and if you are able to find the right illustrator, their pictures can really help to bring colour and vividness to your story.

I’m sure your stories will appeal to young fans of films such as Madagascar, and perhaps parents who are fans of the Alexander McCall Smith series for young readers featuring Precious Ramotswe from The Number One Ladies’ Detective Agency will also be drawn to your stories.

Specific comments, queries and line notes:

‘The first animal Wesley met was King Lear the lion’ – feels like something is missing here. Perhaps something more like: ‘The first animal Wesley saw on his slippery drive to the animal park was King Lear the lion’?

‘Have you tried the village, if you know what I mean?’ – why ‘if you know what I mean?’ Is this just the way Elvis talks?

‘It is a perfectly frightful day’ and ‘He’s perfectly frightful’ – is this an intentional repetition?

‘It’s lovely in’ – again, seems like something’s missing. Do you mean ‘It’s lovely in here’?

‘With a name like that yours’ – delete ‘that’?

‘Then Charlie and Wesley sang the song together’ – perhaps repeat the song here, as young readers love to sing along when they know a song.

Do you think it might be an idea to be more specific with some of the less familiar animal names, for the reader’s benefit? For example, ‘kudu’ to ‘kudu, an antelope’ and ‘bee-eaters’ to ‘bee-eater birds’. Just a suggestion. Obviously illustrations will help as well, but it’s nice to inform and educate your readers too.

‘Now listen, you silly animals’ – perhaps refrain from negative comments like this about some of the animals, as it implies that sheep and goats aren’t as intelligent as other animals.

‘an enormous grey tank came at them out of great cloud dust’ – insert ‘a’ before ‘great cloud of dust’.

Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think these early pages mark a very promising start but attention needs to be paid to the characterisation of Wesley and interweaving more background details and descriptions of the setting to really make your story leap off the page. As well as reading as widely as possible in the area in which you wish to write, have you considered joining a creative writing group? Receiving regular feedback from writing peers can be an invaluable way to hone your writing skills.

I wish you the best of luck in your rewrites, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes
Natalie Braine
ProfessionalCritique
 24 Oct 2013, 22:40 #173652 Reply To Post



Professional mini critique for The Tavern Thief by Bill McCormick


Congratulations on being well rated by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your short story. Your protagonist, Quintus, is well drawn – full of charisma, making him a memorable character that successfully pulls the reader into his tale. The tone is quite tongue-in-cheek, with lots of bawdy humour, and you really capture the setting of your story, bringing it alive on the page.

I did find the ending a little abrupt and even anticlimactic. You have already revealed that Pompo is someone of importance, given that he travels with bodyguards who rush to his aid when he is pushed over. And the other characters seem to recognise him when this happens. So the final revelation – that he bears a resemblance to Emperor Nero – isn’t as startling as it could be, as the reader already knows he is someone revered in Rome. So I would suggest reworking the end, so it has more of an impact on the reader, as at present it falls rather flat.


Professional mini critique for Outside the Comfort Zone by Roger Penfound


Congratulations on being well rated by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading the opening pages of your novel but did think they could benefit from further development. I thought your opening wasn’t strong enough to hook a potential reader. You’re trying to shoehorn too much information in – we don’t need to know that the protagonist is a journalist or that he is investigating a 400-year-old murder at this point. Less is often more, and an ambiguous and intriguing opening can often be more effective at drawing a reader in. Also, try to avoid sentences like: ‘He felt fear as he’d never known it before’. This isn’t inspiring or vivid in its description. You’re telling the reader how your character is feeling, not showing them. One of the best pieces of advice when writing is to always remember to ‘show not tell’. Otherwise if you report action or emotions, rather than allowing the reader to experience it alongside your characters, you instantly keep the reader at arms’ length, rather than immersing them in your story.

I found Douglas quite a hard character to warm to. He seems rather pompous, and most of his dialogue exchanges quickly revert to him swearing angrily and aggressively, rather than him being able to argue with reason or poise like a good journalist should. I think you need to work on making him a more accessible protagonist, and one who is much more engaging and intriguing. As I didn’t feel invested in his story enough to be compelled to read on.

Professional mini critique for Tru-2-Life by Steven Bock

Congratulations on being well rated by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading these early chapters of your novel but did think they could benefit from further development. My main concern is that your narrative in these crucial opening pages lacks focus and direction, and so feels meandering. You need to work on drawing the reader into your story much more quickly, as at present your opening scenes feels a little mundane and everyday. In today’s increasingly competitive book market, if you haven’t grabbed a potential reader from the blurb and your first page alone, you will have likely lost them all together.

You class this as literary fiction but, to be totally frank, these pages don’t have the insight and nuance to elevate your story. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to be a voracious reader, and to read with an analytical eye. The first step in becoming a good writer is being a good reader. And have you considered joining a creative writing class? Receiving regular feedback and constructive criticism can really help hone your writing skills. Lastly, I don’t think the book’s title will appeal to literary readers. On first glance, it seems like a science fiction title. Why not call it the title of the novel within the novel – The Counterfeit Child?

Editor Natalie Braine







andika sasa
 25 Oct 2013, 13:54 #173673 Reply To Post
Quote: ProfessionalCritique, Thursday, 24 Oct 2013 22:40
Editor Review of THE ADVENTURES OF WESLEY THE WARDEN


Dear Antony Irvin

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers. I enjoyed reading these early pages of your children’s book, THE ADVENTURES OF WESLEY THE WARDEN. I thought that these opening pages were entertaining and marked a really promising start. What I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing stories, as well as give guidance on what to pay attention to as the book continues.

Structure:

Structure is the backbone of any book, helping to provide shape, focus and narrative drive. If your story isn’t well structured, the very foundations of your novel can become compromised – and this applies even to children’s fiction. This is clearly an element that you understand and have considered while writing. Even though your collection contains short stories, which are interlinked but also stand alone in their own right too, they are well structured, each with a clear narrative arc and a satisfying conclusion.

Plot:

While always entertaining, some of the stories do feel a little abrupt in their ending, such as Story Four, where Wesley discovers it is Lulu the leopard that has been prowling around at night near the sheep and goats. The sense of mystery is instantly dissipated, with no explanation as to why Lulu was there (was it to eat the goats and sheep?), just an apology from her for scaring the animals. I think there needs to be something that explains the mystery in more of a satisfying way, so this is one area that I would suggest considering when you come to rewriting.

But on the whole, I found most of the stories very engaging and well thought out. I especially liked Story Six, The Art Class. It had a nice story arc, real humour to it, and had more background details than some of the other stories. (This is something I discuss in more detail in my notes on characterisation and setting).

I thought that there could have been a bit more background detail about the wildlife park. For example, apart from making sure the animals are OK, what are Wesley’s other responsibilities as warden of the park? Perhaps more could be made of why the park even exists? It’s important that you educate your readers as well as entertain them.

Characterisation:

In children’s fiction, young readers like to read about characters that they can identify with and relate to in some way. And while the animals all have very distinctive characters that set them apart from the others, I did think that Wesley was a little underdrawn and lacked a certain charisma. He is obviously the voice of reason and the figure of responsibility, but he also needs to feel more individual and memorable. Only small details are needed, but they can really help to make him more real to your reader. For example, how old is Wesley? How long has he been doing his job? Does his family live nearby? Does he see them much?

I thought the animal character portrayals were much stronger, and can see that young readers will instantly engage with them and their stories. My only query is how much you anthropomorphise the animals. Not only do the animals speak, sing and dance, you also have Tatu the dog doing press ups. I’m not sure if this is a bit too much…!

Setting:

Setting is of course only the backdrop to a story, but it can be a character in its own right too, helping build atmosphere and even tone. And I think this is something that can definitely be expanded upon, as you don’t want to rely solely on illustrations. For example, what is the nearby village like? How many people live there? Does Wesley go there often? Is that where he grew up himself? It is small details like this, woven through your story, that will really bring Wesley’s tale alive.

Genre/Market:

As I’m sure you’re aware, children’s fiction is an incredibly crowded area of the market, so for a book to stand out, it really does need to be something special. And for illustrated children’s fiction, you need to have a strong story as well as beautiful illustrations. I do think your stories show real promise, and if you are able to find the right illustrator, their pictures can really help to bring colour and vividness to your story.

I’m sure your stories will appeal to young fans of films such as Madagascar, and perhaps parents who are fans of the Alexander McCall Smith series for young readers featuring Precious Ramotswe from The Number One Ladies’ Detective Agency will also be drawn to your stories.

Specific comments, queries and line notes:

‘The first animal Wesley met was King Lear the lion’ – feels like something is missing here. Perhaps something more like: ‘The first animal Wesley saw on his slippery drive to the animal park was King Lear the lion’?

‘Have you tried the village, if you know what I mean?’ – why ‘if you know what I mean?’ Is this just the way Elvis talks?

‘It is a perfectly frightful day’ and ‘He’s perfectly frightful’ – is this an intentional repetition?

‘It’s lovely in’ – again, seems like something’s missing. Do you mean ‘It’s lovely in here’?

‘With a name like that yours’ – delete ‘that’?

‘Then Charlie and Wesley sang the song together’ – perhaps repeat the song here, as young readers love to sing along when they know a song.

Do you think it might be an idea to be more specific with some of the less familiar animal names, for the reader’s benefit? For example, ‘kudu’ to ‘kudu, an antelope’ and ‘bee-eaters’ to ‘bee-eater birds’. Just a suggestion. Obviously illustrations will help as well, but it’s nice to inform and educate your readers too.

‘Now listen, you silly animals’ – perhaps refrain from negative comments like this about some of the animals, as it implies that sheep and goats aren’t as intelligent as other animals.

‘an enormous grey tank came at them out of great cloud dust’ – insert ‘a’ before ‘great cloud of dust’.

Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think these early pages mark a very promising start but attention needs to be paid to the characterisation of Wesley and interweaving more background details and descriptions of the setting to really make your story leap off the page. As well as reading as widely as possible in the area in which you wish to write, have you considered joining a creative writing group? Receiving regular feedback from writing peers can be an invaluable way to hone your writing skills.

I wish you the best of luck in your rewrites, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes
Natalie Braine


Dear Natalie,
Many thanks for taking so much trouble over The Adventures of Wesley the Warden. You provide some very helpful pointers and indicators about ways to improve the text. All I need now is to find a good artist!
Thanks, again. Tony Irvin
James Ward
 25 Oct 2013, 17:36 #173684 Reply To Post
Thanks, Alison. You've taken a long hard look at The House of Charles Swinter and really got to grips with it. Thank you ever so much for your perceptive comments. Best wishes, James.
SiobhanDaiko
 26 Oct 2013, 10:16 #173698 Reply To Post
Thanks, Marcus, for your comments on my work. Your line edits are really helpful and I've already incorporated them into my latest draft. It's great to know you think I have a future as a writer. Best wishes, Siobhan
Siobhan Daiko
Falco
 28 Oct 2013, 18:33 #173767 Reply To Post
Congratulations to all critique-winning groovers!
"My name is Hammersmith, and I will be your guide on this trip to Earth. Oh and this is Bailey; he's just a fundamental pain in the arse..."

Check me out on www.fylerwrites.co.uk
patriciaa
 08 Nov 2013, 11:37 #174138 Reply To Post
Huge thanks to Alison, Editor, Random House for the pro crit on AFTER THE TONE. Sorry to be so late with this, but I hadn't realised I was in the top ten.
After the York Festival of Writers in Aug, everything went crazy for a few weeks.

Thanks for your kind words, and also, once again, thanks to Ted for the YWO website. I can't remember life before I joined.
Patricia.
aka P M Wilson

http://pmwilsonauthor.wix.com/pmwilson
This post was last edited by patriciaa, 08 Nov 2013, 11:42
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